Tired really tired and still feel like this exam ain't going to go well. Nervous cause I can feel the presurre of what it is worth and the more I read and write the worse I feel. Damn it cause I like psychology but this sence of having no words to corresponde with the quick ideas that shout through my head, damn it.

Tomorrow is a importante morning although I feel, I guess I already know I ain't going to go and study out. It was just another idea in some way the possibility of running sounded so damn apeling... especially cause i feel you so far... wonder when you going to say anything... probably not even this week and if i don't say nothing maybe not even for the next...
Going with my mom to lisbon and got to see to all the "paper" work envolved with the process, but I don't and I don't want to ask my parents for things that are impossible... if only money was not so hard to make and life was not so full of troubles.

missing time for myself. missing you. Still, this is how things really are, I ain't part of your life cause I ain't even on your mind...

when is this going to end?

during the whole day i've been wondering about coming here.
there is a lot inside me waiting to came out.
but...
don't know.

anything for love. meat loaf. man this song. these words.
wonder how many people would really do anything for love?
anyone...?

there are some questions she askes...
"Will you hold me sacred? will you hold me tight?
Can you colorize my life, I’m so sick of black and white?
Will you cater to every fantasy I got?
Will ya hose me down with holy water, if I get too hot?"
and i ask... will there ever, in this life, be someone to answer my questions?
given my hope in ever being next to N has never ever been so ... small... i ask will there ever be anyone to complete me like he did?

today i watched that series on sic radical again, life as we know it... a vida cm ela é ou something like that. cried twice. just adored the small man, guiding council. smart very smart man.

It ain't easy. Ricky Fante'. It ain't easy when you on your own. Powerfull voice. Wise words.

Don't know how to start...
let's see, well the other day after the bio exam when i was speaking to my mother about it telling her how things went at the end she said something that made me think a little. She told me that Darling says that if anything goes wrong it is N fault. He probable hates him more than anyone else and i get it. but my sweet Doll it was my fault, i really actually wished you could meet him cause then you would understand why I love him so much. Unfortunatly my mother does not exactly know how much N still means to me and how much impact he was in my life, but know everything that goes wrong. everything that ever went wrong in my life was noones fault but mine. I'm the one that controles it so i can't blame no one but myself ... How I love you Darling how I miss you two. Incridble cause there are no words for how certain people are part of me. Part of my soul.

wicked game.

now thing is that remark made my brain wonder. and that night I realised how I changed. I can't recall the person I was but somewhere inside of me I know there were different pieces... my mom says i ain't the same it hurts to think that i've became a sadder, emptier person but sometimes it might be true.
Change is necessary. We all grow. althought i am still a child and compared to many women out there my age I'm still a kid, look like one, think like one, act like one. So many times... How many times haven't I felt "tharetend" when I know you N could have a woman and not a baby... Guess I still have to grow a lot.
But it is true I changed. You changed me.

First love?
many things to say about it right? anyone want to tell me anything?
seems like the first real heartache mutates inside of us.


Feel like talking to you N teeling you a couple of things that have been going on inside of me. But i don't.
Losing you is something I can't think of. Something I just really don't want but question in my head is to what point do i have you? If I have you at all...

Yesterday at my brother's "party"... I miss having someone to call my own, someone to ask along next to me. My brother and his friend had there special one's next to them during the day and it was not that easy but it was harder at the end when I started thinking about how things where. So many times I had you next to me so many things we spent together... You where part of my life part of my family... miss that. miss being something real. solid.

these feelings make me wonder if trying to keep you by "imposing" myself, is worth it? i always end up running after you cause the need of your touch, the need of your presence, the need of your attention makes me run. But... i feel sad cause i know i know n you don't really want me and you would never ever fight for me so i'm just kidding myself... everytime i get close to you now in my head the sentence... we don't work ... hits me and although all i want is to be happy be happy cause you are in front of me at that moment, i can't seem to grab the moment completly. and so i feel sad. hate this cause it is me i always fuck everything up with stupid thoughts.
want to enjoy when i can the friendship that is given to me. still...
why do i do this?
why can't a be a simple normal person...

i know that if i don't talk you won't.
i know that if i don't make no move you won't.

so i guess for now and for as long as i can i'll try and control any wish of talking to you, being with you.

I haven't been here for a while and there seems to be a lot to say.
to start can't wait to see my mark on the biology exam. When well and I should have a good mark.

Then Psichology is still to came and that is what is woring me but I really have to do my best this week and i'm sure everything will be fine. at least I really really hope so.

lots to say about "those" feeling inside me but not tonight.

two days to go

ja escrevi mas ñ sei pk a "merda" deste blog ñ aceitou ou sei la e pronto fikei sem o post. nd de mais. simplesmente nervosa para o exame. Really very Nervous.

anyway tinha copiado para aqui a letra da musica as xs do gutto. Sim, tou a ouvir gutto. shouldn't but felt like it. .... Debaixo dos lençois... damn it...

anyway again, going to sleep. Gotta a lot still to study seems like no matter how much I read or right I still don't know nothing and what i know is really not enough... Nervous.

two days to go

the time is passing and my heart is getting tighter. Nervous. Really very nervous. Seems I don't know a thing and even the little I know is not going to be enough. Just hope the exam goes well. Spent the whole day studing this silly stuff for like what? Two hours of a exam that after is over and half of the things ain't going to be necessary no more... yes i'm being silly still i'm going nuts....

UnBreakMyHeart - this song is beautiful. Heard so many different songs today so many words that in the back of my mind silently touched my soul. It is late and I have to get to bed, but I just want to hear one song of gutto. Not cause of him, more cause of the hope of some kind of love being real... hard to choose - "As xs".

damn this is good. it probably is human to want to love and be loved back...

"Às vezes não me ouves mas não faz mal
Depois eu exagero mas não é por mal
E se eu disser que não quero mais
É mentira...

Twins:
Eu nunca te entendi, nem posso entender
Tudo o que eu faço, é gostar de ti
Sei que posso errar, do braço a torçer
Mas não te esqueças neste barco somos dois

Gutto:
Baby calma aí, não sou sempre eu
Muitas vezes quis falar contigo mas não deu
Só te peço o mesmo que me pedes a mim
Se me amas sei, que será assim

Twins:
Podemos discutir, isso é normal
Depois quando fazemos pazes é tão especial
À noite ao deitar, mesmo sem tocar
Sei que estás ao meu lado posso descansar

Gutto:
Tens razão, já passou
Dissemos tanta coisa, às vezes sem pensar
No final o que interessa é o sentimento
E o que sentimos no..

Gutto ft. Twins:
Vou fazer tudo para não te perder
Sem te tocar não faz sentido viver
Nem que o Mundo caia sobre nós
Estaremos juntos...

Só tu podes ser a luz do meu coração
Basta querer está tudo na nossa mão
Agora eu sei que é amor, só podes ser tu, e quando parecer ser o fim
Lembra-te...

Gutto ft. Twins:
Vou fazer tudo para não te perder
Sem te tocar não faz sentido viver
Nem que o Mundo caia sobre nós
Estaremos juntos..."

Long day

I got home a while ago, my body is hurting and my brain keeps on telling me to please but please go and rest. Give it a breake. I wish it would do the same thing for me...

went to "Boss Ac"'s concert in Oeiras, enjoyed it cause those songs I know and that I even liked where let out, not only by him, the many many other people but also by me. ( Princesa - Beija me outra x, diz k me amas baby diz mais uma x... Princesa...) ; (Eu estou aki - e to no meu pensamento ... infelizmente... ); (mas afinal de contas ... a boa vibe...) Ou pelo menos eu tentei. ja as outras pessoas cmg, especialmente uma a A, já não sei k fazer contudo as xs sinto k tenho de fazer um grande esforço para nao afugar com ela.
Anyway I tried my best and that is what I've been trying to do these past few days. trying to try my Best.

hj de manha um gajo da minha turma fez me uma pg mm mto estranha. - De k tipo de pessoa é k axas k eu sou? ... Ai se eu pudesse ter respondido exactamente o k eu axo só k eu sei k estaria errado por isso mm tentei perceber o k kerias com essa pg. Disseste me k alguém k estuda pscilogia te disse algumas coisas e pareceu-me k nao concordavas mm com nd do k essa pessoa disse. poix na vdd vdd não sei. ñ te conheço ou tlz até veja de certa forma "para dentro de ti"... por xs penso que ninguem sabe quem nós somos porque escondidos estamos sempre e por mais k alguém nos conheça tanta coisa esta "mistikamente" disfarçada. The one person I believe knows me the best, I believe right now... doesn't not know me no more. There it is, as people there is much more to us than what there is.

Vi a C. é bue estranho pk eu do fundo do corredor caminhei para a outra ponta e algo ñ estava "bem". parece k ja sinto a presença porque começo a sentir me mais pekena, feia e de certa forma mm mto insignificante. Custou. Cm smp vai custar. Mas desta x ao passar por ti senti ... já ñ és a mm "ameaça". Agora é o resto do mundo (e um pouco akela R pk pronto pareces um cão atras dela...) nd k eu possa fazer porque ñ és nem nunca foste meu.

It was the line of thought during the bus trip home now now.
Today I went to see the film I so much wanted to see with him.
(X-men) Really really enjoyed it.
I know things between us ... we will never go to a film together no more, or go out to a club, you'll never invite me to go for a walk or to spend some time cause you want or need to talk. we will never be real friends cause we just won't. I'll never see you just like that and you boy I have no idea but seem to see me just like that pain in the ass you once loved but now... now nothing. But
no problem.
today.
no problem.
Life is exactly about this. Fucking up. Learning and fucking up.
I fuck up. I learnt and even though of course I'm going to fuck up many many more times... there are going to be many things I've learnt for life.

thinking this and the song - Because of you - kelly clarkson started to paly on the radio. Many truths in that song.

Bunny one day you going to understand you true and deep my love goes for you. You i've always just wanted to be importante and really be a part of your life and Now you really made me feel like shit so many many times. There will come a day you'll understand I never ever meent to hurt you and how you sure did, hurt me back over and over again.
But life is exactly about this.
Just one day it's going to be to late...

vi tanta gente "bem" tanto amor a minha volta. Incrivel cm uma x eu estive assim, tao apaixonada e correspondida. Incrivel cm uma x eu me senti tao desejada, forte, amada. Incrivel cm uma x eu acreditei mm no amor. incrivel cm uma x acreditei em ti.

slowly i'm going to build myself again to a person I'll be able to say I'm proud of, cause slowly I'll forgive (I hope) myself for all the shit I did.

But life is exactly like this and one day (maybe not that soon but I'm trying my best) so am I going to be able to move on. (Cause all I've ever wanted though it is the biggest of all my pains is for him to be happy cause at least them, maybe them even though I would "die" I would be able to forgive myself...)

Mais olhos que barriga

" O tempo que se esconde de emboscada
O tempo que te foge a sete pés
O tempo que no fim não vale nada. "

O tempo de dizer a vida é breve... ñ sei pk mas esta musica de certa forma entrou me a uns dias atras. bem parece k já nao refugio aki a tanto tempo apesar de ja ter escrito ontem. Mas continuo xeia. Xeia de merda.

These past days so many feeling have fought inside me. No control and I got to keep it together, important days are coming and these is my last change to "repair" my future. I got to get in this year. Just wished I could get out of this "trap".

I have no idea where to start. Yesterday was, how do i put it, a really complicated emotional day. I broke and the tears where impossible to stop from falling. Let out I guess they were still I feel the rest, the part that is living is still inside me and no matter how much rain comes out the clouds don't dissapear.

For so long I've lived in this family and I already know how things work, so many times I've cried and complaned and said what I think. Still things don't change and justice in certain aspects is impossible to reach. I hate the way determined aspects work and cause of the way the respect is seen in this family I remind myself how complicated it is to raise "children". I hate the fact that my brother is the way he is in so many ways. I know I ain't a easy person and maybe we have a lot in comum, still look at him and I can't find the essence, how can we be "the same fruit of the same tree". Hurts me.

There was a day that I went and looked for "support" in his arms. I found it, and he was sweet. But know, everytime I'm angry or sad about something he throws it in my face. Makes me wonder, maybe I should not have turned to him.

Of course there is so damn much to stay about the rest. Not the rest but that part that seems to be so big in me. Not that I want it to.

After yesterday things I already had thought are even stronger inside me. Had already told myself that I ain't going to be an object no more. If there is no future, if after a kiss I'm no one when the rest of the room is full, then No matter How I Love you, no Matter I ain't going to follow my feelings. Those moments I so much love when it seems you in love with me, those small things, the sweet look, the gentle touch, that hardly happens and that's what I want from you, I want your love, your shoulder, your care, a part in your life, I want to be more than I am and that is exactly what I ain't ever going to get from you. It is my fault I know but I can't carry on pretending or believing in things that are not reall. I must not.

See i am a pain I know and I care to much and worry to much about your future but if I'm talking to you about things you ain't interested, when I'm actually trying to show some support, teeling you you going to be able and you turn your back on me. You go and leave me talking alone. Go and find your friend or what ever. I feel like Shit. It's the last time N you make me feel like shit. I'm tired of it.

Once you made me believe I was special, and even it it was a fucking lie or you where just blind then I ain't gonna settle for anything less... no matter how fuckep up I feel, no matter how I hurt in side.

I may bleed for everytime you with some other girl, I may bleed for anytime you go out or watch a film that I told you i wanted to watch with you, I may bleed for every minute I'm futher out of your life...

I'll bleed cause I've already been fuckep up for so long that my blood has no colour.

so much still inside.
tomorrow.

Complicated day

I wrote this two days ago, I think.

To start I'm fuckep up about the discussion I had with my father. It may be stupid, yes, but I really am sad. I hate the way I am feeling cause of it. I hate that things are not resolved and that I'm going to have to touch the subject again.

Then... you. Always so damn confusing.
Don't know what to do. I know that you don't love me like before. I know you see no future for us and probably the only thing that will be intimate will be the few times we get "invloved" and only cause we happen to be in the same place at the same time, alone of course.
Isn't is worse for me to hold on to a love that does not existe? I'm probalby going to carry on falling deeper and deeper in love with you, and you?...

I tell you I wish I could be loved like I was once before. You tell me I'll find someone...

You don't understand. I'm in love with you and want only you to love me. You tell me we don't work. So I ask, ain't I just hurting myself?

I hear about you, about when you go out, about your friends and I realise I ain't part of that group. I stopped being part a long time ago, Still you don't understand that, guess it's normal cause you not the one that needs it. I am. I'm the one that wishes to still be part of your life. Like before. I was important. i was also part of the "fun" group. I would also have the opportunity to go out with the people you go out now, your friends. We would laugh and I would dance with you like I wish I could. We could do so many other things I always wanted to.
But i'm not in this part.
I'm kidding myself if I believe I will ever be.

Fuckep up with you so long ago and I'm still trapped.

So is it "worth it?"
I so much want you ... but I don't really have you... SO IS IT WORTH IT?...
so confused.

right now I have so so much inside of me. So much to let out. Time ain't on my side though. Probable ain't going to blow up here tonight but still I'm sure I'm not going to be able to hold on much longer and sonner or later (hopefully tomorrow) I'm going to explode... and these words (let out) will be the only confort I'll get.

hate feeling this way

Sometimes words Have a power that can over come the true meaning in them.
Still, they said. They hurt.

Just wish you would think twice befoere saying that us kids are stupid.
Just wish you would think twice before highering your voice.
Just for once I wish you could be proud of the shit I am.

Feel like talking.
My parents are watching the game and my brother is somewhere in the middle of watching it and playing on the pc, of course he probably is also on the msn.

Today I have done nothing at all. I was supposed to study and I did my best to do anything but that. Watched this programe I've heard a lot about. "The Real Life". Good. Though like in every stupid thing i watch, film or whatever... This girl and boy broken up. The guy is trying to get on with his life and is trying his best to get it on with some other girl. The girl just seems still stuck. can't exactly do the same thing. And shit, sentences are said and my mind wonders.

There are times that I am stronger and there are days that are harder.
Still I can't start thinking about you and I, about how things would be if we were together. I can't.
We drifted apart after the second "chance" we gave ourselves and I was hurt again... although he had left it clear that we weren't together, there was no us, I had hope, I believed in his love all over again, and for what?
Nothing, cause yes I made again mistakes, pushed, pulled... fucked up. Still if the love was strong enough that would not have been enough to decide we don't work. But you did. You told me that.
I can't.
I can't and I will not fall again.

But today it is not a easy day. My mind is wondering what you doing. My mind is wondering when we gonna see each other, talk again. My mind is wondering how it would be for me to hold you again, kiss you again. My mind is wondering ... But I can't.


Got to go and study. So few days to the exames.

Listening to this old cd, cd I love with so many songs that touch me.
Anyway. Guess I got somethings out. Just going to listen to two more songs and then I have to go and study.

7 Seconds -

-j'assume les raisons qui nous poussent de changer tout,
I assume the resons that lead us to change everything,

-J'aimerais qu'on oublie leur couleur pour qu'ils esperent
I wish we could forget their color so they can hope

-Beaucoup de sentiments de races qui font qu'ils desesperent
lots of feelings for races which make them lose hope (despair)

-Je veux les portes grandements ouvertes,
I want the doors wide open,

-Des amis pour parler de leur peine, de leur joie
For our friends to talk about their life penalty, about their joy


-Pour qu'ils leur filent des infos qui ne divisent pas
so they can give'em infos that do not divide(scatter)

-Changer
change

And when a child is born into this world
It has no concept
Of the tone the skin is living in
And there's a million voices
And there's a million voices
To tell you what she should be thinking
So you better sober up for just a second
7 seconds away

_______

Stay.

you say i only hear what i want to.
you say i talk so all the time so.
...
you try to tell me that i'm clever,
but that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you.
...
you try to give away a keeper, or keep me 'cause you know you're just scared to lose.
and you say, "stay."


sometimes I really do wish you said ... stay.

You'll never understand me...
I wish sometimes i really really do that I dindn't feel this way for him. I really think certan things would be easier for me.
The dream of moving away, of starting a "new" life so that I can be someone else but the bitch, the shit i always feel and reminded I am, see it so far. The idea of leaving though and not seeing not even minimanly "speaking" to you ain't easy... But I guess that the fact the first time i spoke about it you were excited for me, the fact that when I ask you if you'll miss me, you say yes just to i guess make me happy cause deep down maybe all you'll miss is the memorie. I guess that is what you love, not me... but what we once had.
I also do. Unfortunatly I still have feelings for you that go ahead of fisical...

told myself once, told myself twice...
I don't want you. I don't need you. I don't Love you.

from the moment you don't want me, need me, love me there is really no magic, no kind of power to erase my mistakes.

wierd day

man today i really has no patience for stupid ppl.

stupid things happend to me today wonder sometimes what is going on in this world.
pathetic old men that seem that they can't keep there thing in there pants.


Only you made me laugh and today it was pleasent. At least I think I made no shit or said nothing wrong. - You will never understand me though cause you just can't remember how it feels to really trully be in Love.

gonna try my best to keep away not to worry cause i'm tired of being hurt.

saw thought a really sweet thing today. A little cat hiding from people. Cute really really cute. At least there are nearly always one or two things that make as smile.

today i was a bad girl.
i did absoluty no studing at all. now of course like usual i feel bad.
got a lot to do tomorrow.

got the tattoo i've been wanting. the temporary of course. at least for now cause there is no money at all for a real one.
but like i guess it always happens i'm dissapointed cause it is not as perfect as i wanted. I hate when this happens. anyway.


I seem to understand more and more I have a real big problem. I love to talk. I have this thing. I don't believe anyone can read anyone's mind, at least not yet so I believe people especialy in romantic relationships need to talk even when they don't want to cause it might cause conflit. How are people supposed to know how to react what to do or say always when they have no clue what is going on in the head on the other side?
I seem to be the only person that thinks we need to talk about things.
Heard a lot of things today find that i really don't like misunderstandings, or half conversations. Like things clear.

yesterday I went and "worried" him, spoke for just a while on the net and today i worried in even more on the net. The urgue to speak these past days... got a funny undernick him. I don't understand it but also don't think it's for me. Going to have to leave him alone already today now towards the end I get the feeling i'm bothering him.
Don't want to be a nag. Still got that image of me sitting at school waiting for him and seeing that he already had planes with another girl. Still feel like a pathetic small girl after a Older man.

tomorrow got to study, the next day also and the day after british council. Hope that workes out and that i can get the info that i need. still later that day got to study. I have a lot to do and I know I ain't doing half of what I am supposed to.

hard day, hard night.

don't know why but today all i thought about was u. Makes me so sad.
guess tomorrow is another day.

went to tires. festas. farturas. :) rode this crazy thinggg i love the feeling on my tummy.

long day

woke up really early and set up to go karting and swimming:)
my father, my brother and his friend, where gonna ride against a lot of other guys. It started later than planned (of course... we are in portugal...) but anyway there they went. Mom and I stayed in the sun watching them. exciting i guess but there where a lot of problems. My dad got hurt. Felt bad for him. Let's see now for how long this is going to stay like this.
Anyway went to marco's friends house. A pool, no studing was done. But we all enjoyed ourselves.

there in the pool of course you came to mind. Never got to spend the vacations like I wanted with you. So many things I'll never do, things that I really wanted to do, just with you.
sent you a message asking to come with me for a walk tomorrow. got your own things to do. Guess you glad you had a excusse to give. anyway. Already nagged you today so I guess for the rest of the week there will be no contact. Myabe one day the weeks will go faster and things will be easier to do without me wanting to do them with you.

Mecanismos de Defesa. I keep on saying.
One day it's gonna be alright.

lies

Got thinking today about a lot of crap.
If you can I can.
Gonna start telling myself I don't Need you, I don't Want you, I don't Miss you, I don't Love you... Sonner or later I'll believe my own lies.
at least i hope so.


foi bacano o atrufianço. festas de oeiras a bombar. só disse e fiz merda. Don't know why this happens to me but at least no one even myself realizes how fucked up I am inside.
Mecanismos de Defesa do Ego. everyone got there own.

doubting what i once believed

just another one of those days i guess...
lately i end up thinking that i'm always down, and when my mother points out or when someone lookes at me with that expression like yeh girl why you always sad... I don't chose to be. and i've been trying quite hard to smile lately at least here at home.
Just there are days that no matter how hard i try, there ain't nothing at all to smile about.

Today so many different things have come to my mind.
Listening to songs that I know hurt me. Babyface - what if.
yeah I don't believe in what if's no more... feel like there is nothing left for me. no hope. at least there is no more lies, no more dreaming about things that ain't going to come try.

Told him today i wanted to keep the kiss on my forhead. "Prefiro ficar com o mimo, Se é k seja um mimo".

Wonder if it made any difference at all to him. Later saw him with the people of the night. So I left straight to come home. More and more feel like I'm no one. No one to him.
I actually spoke to B today about a couple of things that have been going on. Spoke a lot, lots said. He kind of gave me his point of view on how N felt. Man it is so hard to hear anyone tell me the things inside I know are true. "matar as saudades do sentimento, da vontade..." I wish it had really been true, that all the things he told me, I really wish ... it makes no difference, no fucking difference.

Just don't know what to do with myself. - flipside, missing you. Just some weeks ago I told you that and there was no reply. Like I see your life has been rolling perfectly and I'm going nuts.
Tired of dreaming of him. Today when i was studying i read some things that made me think. Existem mecanismos de defesa do ego. Recalcamento - o material contudo tende a vir ao de cima de formas diferentes em sonhos e actos falhados por ex. Makes me wonder. Tired of trying to fight against the feelings I have. I got to fight against the fact I miss you and even though you make me feel so bad, so small, so shitty I want you so much.
what is wrong with me?
This is the most complicated feelings I've ever felt. So many emotions roll within me I can't seem to control them not even to understand them. Is that the one thing that makes love so fucking worthless so fucking stupid, ridicalous?
I got to move on. I got to move on. I want him so damn much...

fucked up inside.
I've been like this for so long
been like this for so damn long i'm so tired.

but N ain't the biggest problem right now in my life.
I feel so wothless so ugly so damn ugly lately. maybe it is everthing together or maybe it is just cause i've never been normal.
asking myself lately if I really am alright?
feel like such a bad person that even my dreames seem to out of focus.

Everyday I found out about another person that wantes to be a psychologist. No one is like me. Sian my cousin she is myabe one of the best people I've ever meet. Pure inside and so damn true, a real nice person. I can see her helping, being a friend being that one person who can make a difference. Today a girl of on of my classes also said she is thinking about psychology and again I look at that girl and wonder...

I've never actually known what I wanted to be. Never saw myself in anything and still today I feel like that stupid small girl that will never grow up. I feel small and far to nothing compared to everyone else. is it normal?
Are my feelings normal?
Studying for the second time to follow a path that everyday I feel I don't deserve. I don't feel like I would ever be a good psychologist. I've never told no one but I probably wish more than anything else that I could never ever grow up. I'm so scared. I'm so afraid of failing.

Feel Like i've always let everyone down and even though I would like to be a grown up beautiful girl so that you N would look at me twice and think that maybe yes you don't want to lose me I feel still that I'll never be no one no one close to what You want.
Even when you loved me trully loved me I made so many mistakes, so many mistakes i can't take back. lost you. hurt you.
Hurt so many other people around me, hurt so many people I really Love that in general I can't think of anything to say I've made somone proud.

I'd do anything for love - meat loaf.

Last night in bed I could not sleep. I know I hurt him, once ago I know that I dissaponted him and that I broke the trust and lost the faith we had the faith of us. But please oh please God... I know it was all my fault, it was my mistake ohhh please oh please God tell me that him fucking up his life now ain't got nothing to do with me. Please. I know i hurt him but he is old enough, strong enough, you know he is stronger than me, cleaver enough to know what he is doing with his life. it hurts me so I can't have no role in what is going on and who knows maybe this really is the paith and maybe what he now seems to lead, his actions maybe it is just in my mind that they are not the best.
Maybe. But please God.
You know. You know How I feel and you know I don't believe in asking you for anything but there is no strenth in me left. I need. I can't finish this sentence. I don't know anything no more. I'm so confused inside.

Why did you make Love so hard? or is it just me. I really am just a complicated person hey?
Today B told me I ain't a bad person.

I feel so bad inside. Maybe I am tired and need to sleep, maybe i'm just stupid, or myabe i'm just to sensitive. I don't know what my problem is...

Know I miss him so much God. Know I miss is love and being something special to him. Miss his touch touch that was true. não era a vontade nao era nd fdx era amor. era verdadeiro. era sentido caralho. fdx eu axo k era sentido. eu axo k era... miss being needed.


Will you raise me up, will you help me down?
Will you get me right out of this godforsaken town?
Will you make it all a little less cold?
I can do that! I can do that!

Will you hold me sacred? will you hold me tight?
Can you colorize my life, I’m so sick of black and white?
Can you make it all a little less old?
I can do that! oh oh, now I can do that!

Will you make me some magic, with your own two hands?
Can you build an emerald city with these grains of sand?
Can you give me something I can take home?
I can do that! oh oh now, I can do that!

Will you cater to every fantasy I got?
Will ya hose me down with holy water, if I get too hot?
Will you take me places I’ve never known?
I can do that! oh oh now, I can do that!

After a while you’ll forget everything
It was a brief interlude and a midsummer night’s fling
And you’ll see that it’s time to move on
I won’t do that! no I won’t do that!

I know the territory, I’ve been around
It’ll all turn to dust and we’ll all fall down
And sooner or later, you’ll be screwing around
I won’t do that! no I won’t do that!
Anything for love, oh I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that, no I won’t do that.

I'll never have him heart and soul but God believe me in all this fucked up emotion I really wish you could look over him.

My Diary

I had more than one blog and decided one day to erase them. Was not long ago and I still feel the pain I felt last friday inside me. This will be my place, and this time I won't give this blog out, just my place to wirte all the shit i feel. Complain about the shit I feel I am and not feel bad that all I do is "cry". It is true I know it but still they are my feelings and although I am trying so damn hard to smile inside there is a lot and the ergue to cry gets larger and larger.
I know this is going to be a place I'm probably like on the other blog write about him, n, but at least now i assume yes it is my point of view, the way i see things and i really don't understand why you told me that about the other blog. I don't read your mind so of course I don't know how you see or feel anything.
Anyway. My place to fucking let out all the shit inside of me.

Already today I had to deal with you. You walk closer to me and I start to tremble. Hate the impact. Hate the way you now make me feel so stupid, small and pathetic when you around me.
I guess friday made me really feel like a silly child. That girl standing waiting for you, older, smarter is the only thing in my mind. makes me sad. today i turned my face and you didn't give me the usual kiss on my forhead. i know maybe i should not have done that, but it ain't special no more. before it was. now i don't feel like i'm anything to you so i don't deserve that kiss. Was important to me and now I'm feeling really sad but i really got to face things the way they are. You want to carry on with your life and i'm going to have to leave you alone.

just been told you were smoking. hate this. hate this so damn much.

tomorrow going to get back the test. horrible day i know it is going to be a horrible day.

ok, enough of this today.