Story by Two

It was no ordinary love and they certainly were not ordinary people. But their feelings had been turned to the most basic of emotions. Life confused them, used them up until they had no certainty about what was real and what was a figure of their own individual minds. They were similar but so damn different. The way the world was imagined by each one of them, their ideals, goals were so different...

In the beginning those issues did not seem to account for much; what was of one was of both. In difference they came through as alike because their love bonded them. Just like in a fairytale, a story to later tell their children's children.

A fairytale was the way they learned with each other. Many special nights, many sweet days they had spent together and still they looked forward to sharing a lot more. She wanted to evolve in her career, she was an amazing lawyer and she fought like hell for justice. he had a heart like no other and dedicated this passion to everything that touched art.

Through her strength and his kindness they had found a way to conquer the world. at least their own world. She spent her time fighting for others while he dreamt of ways to fight...for anything. She admired his passion for what was beautiful but didn't have much in her to keep on always admiring - that was more his «thing». So she kept on waiting for him to get up and fight, just once, just as she did. For him, for her, for his art to come true.

One of his favourite things was to paint; One day when she was studying as a good professional, concerned with maintaining standards, he saw her. This was a moment like no other. A feeling that he had never actually sensed before took control of him. It was not familiar, he could not understand it very well. He went and collected his things, arranged it and in silence painted her. Painted her beauty,

painted her distance.

It was this characteristic of her that first attracted him because it was something so untouchable, so far-fetched. He knew he couldn't have her. And because he knew this, he longed for her. Fiercely, secretly. He pinned to have his hands holding her face, with the most distant look he had ever seen. But he went on painting her for months without her even realising his presence.

In secret she held on to desires of having a softer side, understanding how the beauty of the sky could be so vivid, as vivid as when he looked up. she didn’t understand how he could stop to feel everything, every detail of the world. her senses were numb.

So it came as no surprise that once they got acquainted, she found in him a reason to feel. Again or for the first time, she didn't really know, it had been so long since her senses had been so alert. But he brought the softest in her and for that she was grateful. Every day she told herself how grateful she was for having met such a man and for allowing herself to open up to the emotions he rose inside her.

He was so grateful for the fact she had opened up, allowed him to try and penetrate, try and show emotions. He was just sad he could not live to her expectations. after years went on, painting were done and he realised ever so more how he would always love her for the unattainable person she was. she fought between the knowledge she could not have a life forever next to that heart and the desire to elude herself.

Their time was due and she knew this. Her work was, once more, forcing her to build walls to prevent her soul to crash to the floor. There was an enormous amount of pressure to be strong and she tried her best. He didn't understand this very well. He knew the world was rough and that someone had to do the dirty work but why did it have to be her, his heart of always? Once and again he tried to bring her into his world, to show her it was okay t dream of better things once in a while, that she wasn't betraying any of her ideals while doing so. But as he went on with these attempts, the taller her walls became. And she knew it wasn't long before they would tear them apart.

Destiny was tracing itself in a separating manner. they knew the friendship, the caring they had shared, the touches they had celebrated. doors were closing while they both saw roads shying in separate ways. One day she got an offer to go to America, she had always dreamt about this. a country she believed had been a dream. one of her very many few. she knew she would have to say goodbye and and kiss away their story. It didn't please her but there were other dreams in line and once a chance is upon us, we better take the whole lot of it. So she did. She left. Him and everything she had known with him. America stood there waving in one end of the line, while he stood on his, watching their end take form and fly to the neverland where they would never return from.

It was hard to see her go but deep down he knew, he deserved more. Also in the same breath she was far too much for him. Their feelings had been turned to the most basic of emotions and they knew they needed to give life another chance: apart.

By Sara and Amie

a story by three

She was always a little afraid of showing her sensual side, she didn't have enough confidence...

mas era podre de boa !!! com umas montanhas em q se podia galopar ate mais nao e com curvas q pareciam as estradas portuguesas nas montanhas ! ate q um dia...

até que um dia, nessas estradas por onde inumeros gajos passeavam do nascer do sol até ao cair da noite, um deles avariou a meio caminho, preso na gruta suprema do seu desejo.

o k poderia acontecer nessa noite iria modificar a vida dela...

she was taken to a large room, where no light could be seen o_O, and then...

and then he showed her The Light, it was so bright and big and shiny. it was huge, actually. she was overcome by its power and wanted to grab it all so maybe then she could feel as powerful as that...thing. however...

however her faith was little and she was scared. life had not always been easy, holding on to that light could be a big step. she wasn't that sure if it was save enough to trust, trust a stranger with such a beauty, so much power, and she so weak....

and then he whispered: "don't be afraid, to heaven my light leads and with it your soul will be freed".
so she trusted him and....

and was struck by the most awful pain in her groin. the light which she thought would free her inprisioned more and more at each blow. because once you get too close...

this can became to hard for the soul. when pain has been a central part of one's life it isn't easy to understand the difference between certain emotions, the complicated roots they build. she breathed, felt the light burning and in a sudden spark of joy, she laughed... it was...

it was breathtaking..! and then she started singing : "Heaven... I'm in heaven,
And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak.
And I seem to find the happiness I seek,
When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek." ...

she was borderline crazy out of her cuckoo's nest. he stopped and looked at her with amazement, almost terror. okay for light to be joyful and prone to singing but to sing the music from adagio's yoghurts? that seemed too much for him to bear so...

but he smiled and remarked, my gorgeous girl you have been what i have been looking for all my life, someone nuts, someone alive. stay with me and enjoy my light. i will never hurt you if you forever share with me your most beautiful smile. End

By: Amie, Pedro, Sara

Grateful: Dad

To my dear Dad:

I don’t need to say much about the way I feel about you, it is only but expected that I truly love you. I read some things and they made me consider how upon years, the relationship I build with you will for ever have true impact on the person I am. The father, the figure of the father is as important as the mother; at least this is my honest opinion. You have impacted the whole of me, you have made an impression that will influence all my relationships and the way I view the world. Truth is Dad, you are a building block to the person I will be for the rest of my life. So said all of this, as it is expected and as I am a girl that follows the general rules, it is quite easy to guess, I love you. But, there is more to this. I do love you, I love you a lot, and there are many things I can point that bring a smile to me. Before anything else I would have to mention that fact you try so damn hard to support this family, my family. I will for ever be thankful for the time, the effort, the dedication. Now, small things, the way you have been the one to show me music, sparkled my interest in dance, techno and sounds that have defined my taste in music. The way you can always fix my technical problems and repair anything I need, figure out solutions to any computer related faults. You have always been there for me, but in very strange ways also. And that is the thing, this little idea that leads me to why I need to write this down. It is only but normal that I love you, but I also feel so sorry for you, I also have disliked the way you treated me, I also don’t understand certain attitudes, and sometimes I have even hated.

The world is a complicated place; you have done your best to prepare me for a future, a future that is dark and hard on the soul. And this is a vision you hold or at least I believe you do, because of the way you have always spoken. It is sad, and for this, I am sorry and I feel sad. I wish you could not have the pressure of our futures on your shoulders, for then maybe you could relax. I don’t see myself as a negative person and I am so damn glad, because I don’t want to be like you Dad, I don’t want to be full of negative emotions. I believe the world is complicated and it can be hard, but I believe my world is smaller than you see it. As I am concerned with the people around me, the ones I love and love me back I see future so much brighter. Isn’t it funny how you watch the news everyday, and I have always been against it? Maybe this little characteristic is something I build in defence of your view. Maybe it is exactly a rebel characteristic. I want to believe in a brighter day.

You have pressured me and my brother, and I am currently fighting for what you and Mom also, believe will be a better future. Part of me believes it also, another does not really know if being away is providing this door to that wish you hold. But for knowing I am bigger than sometimes I believe, for knowing I am stronger than sometimes I take credit, for trusting me, that I thank you.

Fathers they are essential, they will mark a girl and then she will live a life in function of that man’s love. That man’s presence and importance in the girl’s life will have profound impact. So many problems can arise when the father figure is absente, doesn’t care or gives up on the daughter. I had a perfect childhood, Dad you provided me with so many things that I can not begin to enumerate. I know I have issues towards you, like have feeling not good enough, or disappointing. Only normal I presume, and I know these things made a difference but all in all I don’t think there is anything major. I can’t say that consciously there will be any problem in my relationship because of our relationship. And for this I thank you.

There are many other things I could actually speak about but the need to drag this letter out is non existing. For the thing I love about you and for the things I don’t I am grateful.

One day I hope you can experience a single moment of happiness, a moment so strong that it can take your breath away. One day I hope you can love mom the way I think she deserves, hold her and appreciate her more than it seems you do in my eyes. One day I hope you can understand how you are such an important part of my life. One day I hope all your worries disappear. One day I hope I will make you the proudest father on this earth.

GRATITUDE!

The day I was coming back to England, on the plane there was a women next to me. She was reading the magazine “Psychologies” and I saw a couple of headlines that sparkled an interest, thought to myself, self you must buy this when you arrive. But I so much wanted to read a couple of things, that I actually asked if I could pick. The woman said, take it, have it. I answered I couldn’t accept but she insisted and so I did. I have been reading it these past two days. Very interesting things; I need to write a couple of thoughts; I need to let out some ideas. For now I want to say I am grateful for the fact there are people in this world with a caring heart. I am grateful I can talk and I can listen. I am in touch with this amazing complex world.

beginning

Although it is the end of January it feels only now my new year has began. I am back into England for around 6 full months and my life seems to have changed a lot this month. Travelled more than I usually do in such a short period of time. I special ocassion took me back to my "home" and I had, i can consider, an enjoyable b day. my 21st. so many years i waited for this, somehow i seemed to have imagined and created this sense of identity around this number. unfortunatly for me this imagined life was built around a joined sense of who i was. i loved him so much and wanted to reach this target in his arms. silly ideas of fullfilment. life changes. things happen and sometimes paths taken lead to different constructions of reality. today i sit in a different country, reached the target age and put and end to a non existing relationship just this month. a love that ended long ago for one and rested in my head. like a gost haunting me, you take my breath away. no more. i can't no more as i feel you drift away into a life you have built without me. no words or actions to let me know if there is anything left. no way for me to still hold on because you have clearly been able to say goodbye.
i new way of life with hard working months to come. several objectives to build upon, a new rise in determination. things need to be achieved in order for things to make some sense. i need to understand my life is what i have choosen and that although far from family and friends people's feelings true, true feelings of friendship don't die. Although i can't give all myself to everyone I love i can only ask for the ones that love me back to take what i can give to them, to hold it dear and make the most of it when i am in a giving mood. to those that dont recognise the intensity of my effort, the intensity of the concern, to those all i can say is i am sorry if they feel betraid. i can't do more than i do but i don't want to long for people who cant see me hurt. no more.
to a new life with no holding on to the past. i do not believe there will be no more doubts. i believe i believe in myself.

moving

As a sit here in front of the laptop, I breathe in this new air, this sense of relief. Exams finished yesterday and it was some of the hardest four continuing days. The pressure of exams is something that is far too hard to describe, especially because I knew I had been bad. I left it all for the last minute and ended up overloading my brain with information, information I can’t even remember very well now. That is the problem when we learn just for the sake of remembering for a test. I feel sorry for my head because these last weeks have been hard, my heart has been forgotten and my soul in some way just accepted the fait, so my mind was felt with processing. I don’t know how things are going to be this week coming. I feel like only now I can break down. Only now I can allow myself to feel the emotions that my mind has been repressing. But at the same time, I can’t afford it. There can not be any tears; there should be no more questions. My past has been cut. Or the idea of it needing to be cut has been “accepted” hum, no, has been admitted. That’s it, I have admitted to myself that I am holding on to nothing, and I am the only one holding on. Then my future, while these questions in a sense although they hurt as much as having to let go someone I love, they seem as no matter what, my fate has been written at least for four more years or so. But today I sit here, and I have a very long day ahead to go to the airport and make my way to Portugal (my home, I question it a little bit…). Sit here knowing I should be so happy, I have dreamt about this occasion for so many years, but now I feel it overloaded with negative emotions; wish I could be as excited as I have always dreamt to be.

as an overly emotional person is it possible to actually be a psychologist?

New Year 08 cont.

This is not the way to start the year. I finally closed the little slit of that door I still tried my best to believe was open. I feel like crap because I would so much prefer to be able to deal. I wish I was a normal adult that can stand up tall and see how things are, put emotions to side and just have been able to be a friend. Why is it that I am still holding on to the past when he isn’t? Why is it that I am not able to process and be cool with everything like him? I hate that I was not able to maintain the slight friendship we might have been sharing. I always fuck everything when it comes to him, always did. Then ended a glorious day, with a family dinner with tears poring down everyone’s face. I feel sorry my dad is the way he is, so many times, I guess years of shit have got to him and now life has left him bitter and cold. I so much don’t want to be like that. I so fucking want to be happy. Worse argument in recent times, maybe the one thing I don’t miss about this “home”. My dad ended giving me money to actually catch a cab tomorrow. Yes, I am leaving tomorrow. Leaving back to England. There seems to be nothing inside me. No strength. No more. So much crap so many emotions to try and sort out but this agonising pain. I still love you so much you have no idea how hard it is to close this door. I wish maybe I had never opened it to start with because tonight I’m too weak to believe its best to have loved than never loved at all.

New Year 08

I'm leaving "home" tomorrow, back to England for me again. Portugal still feels in a sense for like a home because my mom dad and brother happen to live here. This holiday so far has been the hardest as my emotions have been flowing and i've had to hide behind the usual mask of the perfect amie. This sense of being lost and alone with no place to call home. This feeling of not knowing if this was the best choice for me. This insecurity in myself. This lack of being able to imagine myself in the future, happy and fulfilled. I can't brake down. I have never truly been allowed. All these questions and these doubts crossed between my only certainty, that I’ve finally lost him. Maybe it was all an illusion for just such a long while. I should have dealt a long time ago. I should be able to talk to him normally. I should have been a normal person a grown up that deals… fuck it hurts so much because I’m nothing but a pathetic child. So hard to close a door that I’ve tried so damn hard to keep open. Like 6 whole years fighting for something I had already lost. Too many emotions. Too much to process. And even if I pretend to be alright I feel too tired to stand up straight. I know I have a better life than so many other people and still today I am grateful. All I want is to be the best person I can be, but I’ve been torn apart inside.