Amar.

Nunca falei muito contigo, na verdade acho que fosse o k fosse que eu dissesse não ia conseguir arranjar um motivo sufecientemente razoável para me sentir desta forma em relação a ti.

Estou a ouvir a musica do teu melhor amigo. A musica não é dele mas foi ele que me mostrou. Donna Maria. Eu sempre gostei de fado e acho esta combinação muito agradavel. Ja ouviste? Ele ja te deve ter mostrado, ou então tu não gostas de fado. “Sabe bem ter te por perto, sabe bem quando te espero...” e uma das minhas partes preferidas nesta musica é: “Se um dia me sinto nua, tumara que a terra estrema, que a minha boca na tua, eu confesso, não me sai da cabeça.”
Eu alguma vez te expliquei que ele é tao importante para mim? Acho que nunca falei contigo sobre ele, acho que não preciso, muito provavelmente nao seria sequer capaz de o fazer. Quando estou contigo tenho tanto medo de não dizer as gostas certas, como se tu me fosses julgar e depois explicar-lhe que ele durante muito tempo foi cego.
Sim, estou a chorar mas durante algum tempo tenho andado a evitar escrever sobre ele. E ele tem estado muito na minha cabeça. Diz que, ele esta bem, não esta? Ja lhe perguntaste de certeza como estão a correr as coisas? Deve estar tao intertido nas praxes. Aposto que já contaram o numero de gajas decentes, pontuação ja deve ter sido feita.
Vou ouvir a musica que eu mais gosto, não sei se é também a preferida dele mas foi a primeira que ele me mostrou. “O tempo que a gente perde pelo tempo a correr...; o tempo é um momento para nunca mais...” Esta letra mexe bastante comigo.
P se eu tivesse sido esperta sufeciente nunca teria magoado o teu amigo e acredita que ainda hoje me doi. Nao posso dizer que sou a pessoa que o amou mais porque ele ainda vai ter tantas namoradas pela frente. Sabes que me deixa um cado a nora a merda toda dele querer se fechar. Ele tem tanto que se lhe diga mas constroi uma muralha a volta dele mesmo porque nao se quer magoar... por vezes em pensamento egocentricos pergunto me se lhe deixei assim tao mal que ele agora nao quer voltar a amar. Mas depois caiu de novo em mim e sinto que basta aparecer a rapariga certa e ele por mais esforço que fizer para se fechar, ela será mais forte que ele.
Ele agora esconde-se em ti, esconde-se numa vida que sinceramente não sei se lhe faz muito bem.
Mas esta semana todo mudou e é por este motivo que me encontro aqui a desabafar contigo.
Começou uma nova etapa na vida dele. Sabes disso não sabes?
Durante esta semana duas vezes que eu estive para tentar comunicar com ele. Escrevi um e mail enorme. Olhei para ele e lembrei me que ele provavelmente não estaria muito intressado no que eu estava para ai a dizer. Tu conheces uma musica chamada, em cada lugar teu, da Mafalda Veiga? Sempre tive a musica mas só a pouco tempo é que me apercebi da letra. Finalmente consegui ouvir a musica que ele me deixou. P.s. still not over you. Acho que vou ter de tirar a musica do mp4, honestamente não sei se a quero ter. Sabias que andei atrás dele durante dois anos a fio. Magoei lhe tanto, xatiei-lhe tanto, e fds como eu sofri. Vendo que as coisas não iam voltar a ser o que eu queria, fugi. Não me venhas também tu julgar. Acredita que já ouvi o sufeciente e mesmo que não possa garantir que foi a melhor escolha que fiz, no momento em que me encontrava, afogada em magoa, pareceu me a unica forma de voltar a respirar.
Não me perguntes se tenho saudades dele. Não estaria a falar disto contigo se nao tivesse. Se não me questiona-se se eu estivesse ai, se nós os dois não puderiamos estar perfeitamente bem. Contudo diz me tu, achas mesmo que se eu não tivesse vindo para longe, o tempo que estivemos juntos agora durante as ferias que ai passei, teria acontecido? Eu sinto que não. Ele sempre deixou muito claro que já não me amava e que não queria namorar. Queria manter se atrás dessa muralha. Frio. O que mais me irrita é ele queixar-se dessa mesma muralha. Não me faças perguntas dificeis, não sei porque é que volto sempre para ele.
Convenci-me durante o ano, durante os seis meses que não tive ferias ai, que já não precisava dele, nem do amor dele, para me sentir completa, segura. Forte. Contudo sim eu sei, fui eu que depois quando estava ai, andei atrás dele. Não me perguntes porque. Acredita que durante os tres meses ai descobri muito coisa que não gosto dele, apercebi-me de tantas coisas que me irritam. Infelizmente ajudou também para me re-lembrar daquilo que tanto amo nele.
Ok, pronto. Ando a roda não é?
O que eu te quero dizer é que as duas vezes que quis falar com ele durante esta semana não o fiz. Entendes porque? Não consigo.
Não vou conseguir neste momento o ter só como amigo e tendo em conta que ele não quer mais do que isso, sinto que tenho que desaparecer. Não posso continuar a preocupar-me. E por isso tu tens de estar ai. Ouviste? Ai P se tu lhe magoares, ou faltares quando ele precisar de ti... acredita que depois quem vai sofrer mais vais ser tu. Nova vida para ele. E nisto sinto por mais feliz que esteja por ele, continuo a chorar.
Conseguiste entender mais ou menos o que eu quero dizer. Acho que não disse nada com nada mas também não tenho mais tempo para explicar.
Tenho um dia inteiro pela frente, e agora tenho que o deixar aqui. Fora da minha mente. Fora da minha preocupação. Completly out of my care. Sim, fora do meu “carinho”.

P, não posso continuar a ama-lo.

Take care.

Thoughts

Today my day was long, so it seems that all I did was think, and re-think. Amazingly, found myself discovering little things, wondering about insignificant questions about so many subjects. It seems my mind was all over and I think that might explain why I will so tired.

Feel a need inside of writing some things down but once again, when confronted with the actual act I feel nothing is that relevant. Some of the thoughts have completely vanished but I really think that at the time they were, at the least, interesting. :P

I have to admit I am feeling quite overwhelmed.
Today is only my second day and I feel as if there is too much to do and to little time. I already know I need to prepare an individual presentation, an essay and a lab report.
I have to also say that I am feeling really sad because the idea of staying in Portugal for my birthday seems so impossible. Not seems, I am actually already sure it will not be possible. I have exams and this year is to important, exams are something I can not go around. I am still trying to stay positive, maybe I could go for Christmas come back, do the exams, give in the hand work, and finally go back even if just for a couple of days… this does sounds to me a little complicated when looking at my financial situation. Which in turn brings me to another fact: I feel I also have so much to do, although I am only working one day at MacDonalds, that occupies one whole day, Wednesday; then on Saturday I have the library work. I am confident about my skills that I know, but I can’t afford to “overdue” myself. So this makes me think I really, really need the money and so I have to able to juggle everything. Damn, yes I can not forget, also I have become a Student Ambassador. This commitment is softer in some way because I can help out only when I have time; though I do not want to be one of those people that join and then hardly do anything, not my style. As for volunteering this year, that seems too difficult, for example, to continue with Pyramid, makes me sad but I really have no time. Went in to the office today to tell the leaders that for now, please only inform me about really small one time things. I do hope to repeat helping the older people shopping for Christmas.

I just remembered a small thing that crossed in my mind on the bus. Today we did a personality test, Eysenk’s personality test, measuring the three dimensions he so much believed in. we just looked at extraversion and introversion. I learnt nothing new with this test, while kind of… I was clearly and extravert.

This to me isn’t that new.
I know I am more than anything else, a people Person.
I love it, I love my friends, I live for them as much as I live for myself. And just to be clear I include my family in my friends group so when I say I love them, I love so many of them with all my heart.

But I realised that even being a sociable person, enjoying making friends, being alive and happy, there were two questions on which my answer changed. In the bus for some reason, maybe because of the book I am reading and enjoying so much, something triggered. I found myself realizing that when it comes to me, I am confident, yes, until a certain point.
There is something in me, that when it comes directly to feeling worth something for others, my confidence decreases. So much.
Although I know a very good reason for this, the only big mistake until today of which I am 100% sure I was in the wrong…
Will this change? I consider that I should be able to analyse this and understand it so then maybe arrange forms to change this behaviour towards myself, this inner talk to myself. I know that when it comes to certain people I feel as small as an ant. I know that when it comes to certain people I feel I should keep quiet because anything I say will be ridiculous and stupid. For some reason my paranoia about not feeling my age enters here… I can’t imagine people a little older than me finding any interest in my person and so when dealing this certain people I have always felt so uneasy. But when it comes to older, older people, or even people that do not mean anything to me, strangers, my confidence raises. I could easily approach people on the street. I wonder if any of this is explainable… I am guessing it is.
If maybe I wrote down a list of people, that make me feel small, I would be able to understand why they make me feel this way.

Also today I realised psychology, wau… Incredible, so much to say around it, so many things sparkle an interest in me. I feel though there is no time or opportunity to explore all the things, in just one lecture I felt that there were so many things I wanted to know, and the more the lecturer spoke the faster I forgot the list of things.

I am feeling a little less heavy. There is still one thing in my mind which I had thought already yesterday I needed to blog about. I’ll give it another day; this post is already big enough.

...

Loved this...

“You and I wear spectacles with lenses ground and polished by our lives.
These lenses have been warped, cracked, and mended by our experiences, especially with others. When I look at you through my spectacles I find a reflection from my value-lenses. I cannot see you as you exist in yourself. I can only see you as I construct or create you out of my life’s spectacles. You then become my representation, my construction of you.
…
You exist for me only to the degree that I can bring meaning to the sensations I pick up from you. Perhaps our total view of reality equates to one great big projection of ourselves into the “stuff” out there in the external world.”

I took this from a book I am now reading…
Hypnocounseling, by Hugh Gunnison.

friends and stuff

I was just watching scrubs and this particular scene kind of hit me.
Turk and Carla just arrive back to the hospital after their honeymoon. They get there and stand outside of the taxi. JD hears they back and becomes wild and happy shouting Turk is back bla bla bla…
Carla sees Turk all happy and says yeah go ahead and they run after each other when they finally meet and hug and bla la bla…

It sparkled because then Carla says, If only one day he loves me as much…

I wonder what it is about “brother’s” love… guys sometimes seem to be so much happier with their boy friends than anything else. I know in one way it makes sense cause they are so much more alike, us, guys and girls, having such different brains… it explains a lot. I know.

Maybe it is something that not many girls face; it might just have been me that is ridiculously jealous of his best friend…
I know I have many reasons why this is so, the fact that I am not his girlfriend and just a girl helps to the equation because rationally I know I am not that important girl anymore… but we are not a couple. So, that is something I know I need to deal with.

I just wonder if other girls ever feel the same way.

My last day back at home and I really thought I wouldn’t see him but he asked his friend to tag along and so he came with me and all my friends. So sweet right? Yeah kind of, question thought? If his friend had said no, no way I am going, I doubt he would have came with us…

Now thing is… it did worry me and I did feel strange that night, jealous.

But now I am here, once again. Far away. Back to just an ex girl and all these questions become irrelevant.

So I’ll just leave it at this…
Can guys love their girlfriends as much as they love their boyfriends? Or is love just something you can’t compare between people?

emotional

We often have strong emotions we desire to share; we often want to let them out. I like to be honest and say what I feel or what is on my mind, but I always find I take it a step too far.

There are things we should not tell, some people need to be protected and to other people some emotions are irrelevant. I know that although I feel a little in doubt and I question if this was the best decision, this fear of mine… I can’t share it with her. My M needs to be protected, in no way will this help so I keep this to myself.
Sometimes we care for people and feel like telling them over and over, but when this isn’t the perfect relationship it just ends up in one person hurting themselves. I always tell him too much, things he doesn’t even care about. I know I should just hold that emotion bottled up, to myself.

Following a revelation which should not have been made always comes the same emotion… I know I shouldn’t have said that…

I have to learn to keep quiet to let things roll, especially toward certain people. We have to put up specific masks in relation to whom we dealing with. I am not saying changing who we are… ( I hate that, people that aren’t ever themselves because they got so confused between all the roles they play)


I have to learn and re-remember that for my M I am the strongest and most confident girl, for him I am just a person with whom to chat once and a while.


Right now I can’t think of anyone else I make this mistake of saying to much… maybe that is strange or maybe it just shows that these two people are the ones I try so much harder to be person they would like…

PS...

I was just in the bathroom…
I don’t know why but I think a lot there :P weird! Wonder what that means about me, that, and the fact I hate being in the bathroom cause it is such a waste of time, I so much love having people close so I can talk to them during that time… but yeah I know that is silly and strange…
I am getting side tracked, so
I remembered a few things I wanted to also say about today.
1st – I passed by Macdonalds close to my uni today and I saw something that cried out to me, yes… it was there looking at me, calling me, two new ice creams, the sundae and the mac flurry, new flake ones! I nearly died :P
I had to have one but because unfortunately I spent money already today, I don’t think I appreciated it as much as I was supposed to. (buying blu tack for one, which I didn’t really, really need and the other girl didn’t even help to pay for it – needed to put up some posters – stuff I was organizing not really important to talk about here…) Anyway it was divine! I have to say sometimes mac surprises me in a positive way.

Another funny thing I though. So I arrived home and said hello nice and loud for my cousins to hear upstairs. After they came down and we chatted for a little, went back up and spoke for a while longer. After we had everything said, S went to her room, T to her room and I went to the upstairs bathroom. Everyone in a room… bye and then three doors closed, but just before they shut…
They girls isn’t this funny – I had to point it out. It was. Cool moment.

Visiting Bucksnewuni

Today when I woke up I knew I had an interesting day before me. I needed to go to the university to resolve some things; I also got my new ID card and my provisional timetable. My university has lost the status of college and is now 100% just a uni and with this has followed some renovations. I am not very happy no, I lost the gym, the part there this used to be has been demolished and so this year it will take me another bus trip, 20 or 30 m to another campus to get to another gym… does not make me happy. Also the corridors and main building have been made more modern, supposedly… looks like a damn hospital…
Wonder if they were trying for a psychiatric institute, if yes, they really did it

Anyway in other news:P
Today I was considering the amount of ideas that pass through my mind. It would be interesting if they could automatically come here to my blog because I end up forgetting so much of what I want to write down. But then again, I think if all the nonsense was to appear here not even S would have the patience to read it.
When I was on the way to uni I relived the usual path that a few months has so familiar to me. Although I am not feeling all that happy it still looked as beautiful as it has before, a sunny but frizzing day with the brightness and colour I so much enjoy. (really cold man so cold I feel so bad wearing so many clothes when like last week I was just wearing a t shirt, it feels so strange).

Although there were more things to write about I think I should just leave it like this, saying that I feel confident things will fall into place and that I know I will work my ass off and this year all goals will be completed, marks will sky rock and once more I will prove to myself that there is a lot inside of me.

@second home

I arrived back at my second home on Saturday night.

I have decided i should write more, come here more often during the week and stuff so that i can let out more of the emotions i have in me.
right now i am full of stuff but i don't necessarily feel like writing.

I think i need some time to get my head in place and remember i am strong enough to do anything i want.
I need to get used to being back on my own and just focus on how hard i need to work.

so for now although there is much more inside me i think i will let it stay, stand a little.

...

i went to the internet, got into the site with his name, (naughty naughty me) to found out if N got into the course he wanted, unfortunately from what i saw he didn't. I was struck be a huge sadness... silly of me...

i am sure things will be alright though.
at least i really hope so.

....

cold here! something i need to get used to again. i am already wearing my robe, i love it though.

A heart

A heart is a fragile thing
That is why we protect them so vigorously,
Give them away so rarely
And why it means so much when we do.

Some hearts are more fragile than others,
Purer some how, like crystal in a world
Of glass.
Even the way they shatter
Is beautiful.

"Everwood"