Saturday, April 21, 2007

myself and nobody else

I know it is bad I only use this Blog to came and speak bad, bad things about my day or bad feelings that take over me. But honestly I am not a depressed stupid girl that can’t live on day with out complaining. No. I have more good days than bad and that is why I consider myself such a lucky person. I am so grateful for everything I have, for the people that love me and for all the opportunities I have in my life.

But on the bad tone…
Today is just one of those days that I can’t say I am feeling happy, there is a little feeling inside just scratching the surface and so before I try and block what I feel and just feed it with what it needs to grow I’ll speak my mind… release it, no more scratching.

Today I felt tired and definitely not in the mood to shelve books, but went anyway and did my job. Of course today there were like an abnormal number of books to be shelved, always like this when I least want to work the more I get. Anyway got nearly all the books in the right place, frustrated but did well. While I was there this guy from my class came and chatted to me about the holiday, don’t particularly like his guy but anyway, normal meaning less conversation… but he asked me if I had gone anywhere special or gone to any cool parties or something… Party? What is that? I don’t remember or recall that word as part of my life… what socializing with friends? How does that work? Friends? Hum… can’t remember how that actually feels. Three whole weeks off on holiday and all I have done is work…
No I’m not complaining it is my choice, only me to blame… I do what I do because I choose to. Still… need to get home (back to Portugal home to mom and dad brother dogs and hopefully some people that enjoy my company) cause at times like these I wonder how it feels to be genuinely happy.

Then… because this is the mood I am drawing for myself I begin to sink in the mud of my thoughts… so two thinks come to mind, strange.
First… it is funny but I haven’t actually spoken about this to no one and don’t think I will but I begin to think about family and support and then how sometimes I feel I am not getting the same effort from the family that they would give to each other, the things I have already felt and let out… but… I have always thought that in my family my grandmother Cassie (one of the loves of my life, for sure!) is an angel, I am as sure as I breath that she is a spirit with more lives on it than the rest of the ones I know, and myself… she is an inspiration to everyone. I have also always felt my oldest cousin to be this person girl and also looked up to her, so many times I told my mom and grandparents how I whished to be more like her, more perfect, sweeter, innocent and all the things that a person as I saw her had. The two people I have always said I would like to be like them. No doubt, Cassie I will forever look up to you and I just hope you take more care for yourself. Please take! …
Now my cousin, I have been living here for at least 6 months now and the picture I had in so many ways has changed… but this small part of me questions if I am being horrible? Maybe I am. What is the issue? I know I am jealous about a lot of things surrounding her, because she has always been just so perfect… and me? :S a screw up. But now I’m here I see her, live with her… although I am many times not the person I would like to be and so many things … like I said, a screw up… still don’t think no more I want to be her. Sometimes we don’t have the right picture about people.

So picture about people brings me to another thought. Alright so like a week ago N and I had the little discussion and set out that we would try and be friends and so considering how I feel best would be to minimize contact and restrict the relationship to chat buddies or whatever… because I have been in love with this guy for so long and for like 2 years or more I’ve been living in this fantasy idea that we would get back together after the shit mistake I made… yeah I opened my eyes, alright so cause he is important the minimum would be to keep contact… I have struggled so much already cause he is so important and in no way a present part of my life.
Today I can say losing you N as a friends hurts even more than losing you as my love.
But so tired of hurting crying and caring… today I was actually thinking the last time we “spoke” was when I sent you and e mail and a text message saying I wasn’t doing so well. A week ago. Yeah no reply since. I don’t care how busy someone can be can’t take more than a few seconds to fucking reply to a text. All during the week I felt like talking to him cause when ever I am feeling a little down I have this tendency to want him around, he used to fix my problems and make me feel strong, beautiful and confident, everything a friend and particularly and excellent boy friend is capable to do with ease. But now… I can’t turn to him no more. For a long time now I have felt no real care unless of course I’m in his face at the time. And see I believe friends really feel for others, want to help and worry about them. I know I worry about you and still feel so guilty for have hurting you… but today I feel like just saying I can’t believe no more that I am important to you N cause if I was wouldn’t there be some more concern from your behalf? I’m not asking for boyfriend attention just asking for some words of comfort… no. I was maybe important. But I guess things change. But it is alright. See I am learning to rely on myself.
At least I am fucking trying because there is no one else but ourselves to rely on. And I know I will never let myself feel like I did with you. I put myself in your hands and even today I can feel you drop me to the floor. This is my fault because I know I must not depend on you. After all this time think I would know by now not to turn to you when I am down because I know you never try and help.
A week has passed and the problem of my overload is, I think weakening, at least I hope.
Anyway, three more weeks until Finland so I will put on a smile. Next month if N actually does come and talk I shall do my best to pretend it doesn’t hurt me the fucking situation. All I can do is rely on myself.

Rely on myself, so I tell myself, yes!
You are, you are as strong as you need and want to be.

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Monday, April 16, 2007

that perfect

I used to watch this series called Roswell, it was so intense and I could not miss a single episode. My dad also enjoyed it and watched it with me so many times so I guess this also made it even more important and special for me.
I caught an episode just an hour ago on television, couldn’t remember it but knew it was one of the beginning ones’. Everyone is still finding out that these three people play the part of aliens that are in adolescent bodies and now are living normal lives.
Anyway

This leads to that typical movie like moment.
The Perfect Kiss!

Watching this scene… something tick inside me and a strong feeling of missing struck me hard.

I can recall the memory but I’ve blocked some of the many feelings I won’t allow myself again…
However…
That one split second my heart lost its breath. The approach of the bodies like magnets obeying that one and only law of attraction, the eyes shining brightly in anticipation.; Him gently grabbing her hair and then softly and so, so subtly, touching her face, leaving his hand just on that right spot, touching the neck and ear. Her, so compliant awaiting that second where their lips finally touch and she can finally feel his desire; the perfect kiss ending with that perfect hug where he slightly lifts her in his arms and she feels like she is actually going to reach the sky.

Anyway.
Enough of this.

Friday, April 13, 2007

numb

the song numb from linkin (today that is my mood)
i listen to the words and feelings hit me

i think i'm completely fucked up inside
cause no way can i be normal...

i feel like i have two people inside me
one looks at the other and says: how can you be the way you are?
one tells the other you will not be able, you are going to fail
no matter what you do...

is this cause i'm just feeling overwhelmed,
to many things going on, to many feelings...

everyone everyday deals with pressure, changes, new commitments,
one person inside me says yeah that ain't the problem
you can deal perfectly fine
cause you can
you are already dealing well.

the other one inside screams... doubts, feels things are going to be screwed...
cause I always do.

"take everything from the inside and through it all away..." wau - from inside - linkin again

I don't know what is wrong with me and me
just need to find a balance maybe...

if nothing is wrong why am i feeling so sad?
am i sad cause i feel like being? maybe... cause i know i must choose to feel differently.

today i choose to feel this way,
in the hopes one side of me tomorrow shouts louder

although you way feel weak right now you will be strong.

...

I wish I could be as tall as my shadow, as strong as the ground I walk on, as confident as the moon that shines on me at night, as beautiful as a fresh flower waking up in the morning, as sweet as the rain on a mid summer day and as innocent as a child's smile.

my december

and i give it all away
just to have somewhere to go to
give it all away
to have someone to come home to


... Linkin Park - my december....

Sunday, April 08, 2007

emotional day

I made things complicated today.
Everything has been said already.
But let me say it again, just because I want to.
You broke up with me a long time ago because things didn’t work out and your feelings changed over time and we have since never been on the same level.
I have always believed we would end up together because all I wanted was to be the girl of your dreams and make your life happier.
Please make no mistake you made me really happy once long ago, made me believe in love and that I actually deserved it.
Make no mistake my fantasies were all satisfied you gave me nearly everything. So no way can you feel guilty or anything else about that.
It isn’t healthy for me to carry on wishing to be beside you and being the girlfriend I was once to you. Right?
So all that is left is the possibility of one day things between us being less hard… smoother … but for now all I can ask for is what you want to give me. I accept being a person you speak to once or twice, a “coffee” mate who only trivial things make sense sharing with, because at least I know exactly where I stand.
I will honestly probably carry on dreaming about that day we can have that relationship I want as friends where we talk more often, share our feelings and beliefs… although I know this might just really never happen.
People say close lovers can’t be friends and maybe they right because I still have mixed feelings towards you and maybe only after I am completely over you, when I can say I am not in love no more with you, maybe then …
Yes
This is the problem.
I am still emotionally attached to you
So
Buns I apologize.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

I haven't been here for a while now.

here right now for all the wrong reasons, had a long conversation with you N but like i was afraid it didn't end so happy and fresh as it began.
we managed to have like what three really nice conversations this past month or two?

I got to tell you, well not you directly but I got to say i was so happy when you told me that you didn't think you would find someone with who you had the same chemistry as you had with me, you said things that made me feel special and important. it was so nice cause i haven't felt close to that for so long, like 3 years... but sadly it doesn't change that we are not together.

i have reached the point where blaming myself has become just so natural but so worthless that i have accepted we just don't work together no more.

but today it was horrible. why do i find myself feeling like we keep breaking up? I feel like we break up over and over again... which
N makes no sense.
We broke up three years ago or something like that
and that is that.

I have hurt boy for far two long
i'm so sorry N for everything i did
i cant think of anything positive at all
and i apologize so much for everything
but i'm so tired of hurting

when u speak about wanting me a little part of me sparkles
but then i remember that what is felt by you is less than you once gave me,
less than probably what i feel for you...

you once made me believe in love
something i never thought i deserved

i don't know don't think i deserve it now
but i know i would ask for more from you than you feel
more than you could give
i would ask for a past i destroyed.
and that is just not possible.

i feel so sad that it is so hard for us to be friends
wish things were simple
wish i wasn't a jealous person
which i was more rational and less emotional
but no matter what
things about that i can not change.

today i decided to be strong and say to myself
enough.

i honestly believe you will be happy so so happy really soon just as you decide to take control of your life and let things come to you.

for me i will carry on taking one day at a time trying my best to be the person i believe i am but also the person i feel proud to love,
this means no more hurting
so one day at a time

i live my life
one day at a time.