Full...

Moon...

Full Emotions.


P.Sttt... I love you Cassie and Darling and miss you both terribly.

Incomplete

Overload of information, emotion, thoughts and opinions. Several questions as the day went by, a compilation of my baggage and the world’s ashes flying around me.

So question, how come envy is so prevailing? I have managed to understand there are actually two types and there can be a more hostile and less hostile type. However it basically is the horrible feeling of wanting something or somebody’s things or characteristics, something that is not yours; Feeling a whole group of negative emotions. Anyway I wonder to what extend this is associated to our individual self esteem? Why do people suddenly feel so threatened when they are not part of the in group? Why are we individuals so vulnerable as human beings? I am glad I have began to realise when I feel “threatened” and I am able to understand this sensation of feeling inferior… I believe the first step for me is to understand why, at least then I can try and minimise the strange behaviours we tend to have in these situations. I need to add though there is a distinct complication in distinguishing envy from jealousy as they are spoken of interchangeably. So, could I be strong in these two emotions because in part of my lower believe in myself?

I believe this to be interesting, Psychology.

So question, do we ever fully “move” on?
Do we ever actually stop loving someone that we really truly love?
Does there need to be a “stepping stone”?
Isn’t everyone just another “stepping stone” for someone previous?
How honest and true are we to ourselves when we say, we have moved on to someone else?
How much time do we need to feel better about ourselves before we are supposedly able to “give” to someone else again?
Does it depend on what each individual believes about love?
Should we just take the risks?
Does it all depend upon how much we need to be loved or want to be loved?
Can people actually not want to move on at all?
Can romantic unconditional love for someone be healthy?
Is love fair?

Different people, so many different opinions and therefore so many different ways of living their lives. Strikingly such a major gender distinction in dealing with the pain of romantic loss.
So many questions just from listening to one or two stories.

There are definitly already enough unanswered thoughts and feelings inside of me, most certainly enough to drive me mad. Mad, commonly associated to crazy. Crazy, simplistic definition of Paranoid.

I believe this to be interesting, Psychology.

Trying to let go...

"Are You Happy Now?" - Michelle Branch

Now, don’t just walk away
Pretending everything’s ok.
And you don’t care about me
And I know there’s just no use
When all your lies become your truths and I don’t care...

Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you’re happy now?
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now?

You took all there was to take,
And left me with an empty plate
And you don’t care about it.
And I am giving up this game
I’m leaving you with all the blame cause I don’t care.

Could you look me in the eye?
And tell me that you’re happy now?

Do you really have everything you want?
You can't ever give something you ain't got
You can’t run away from yourself!

Are you happy now?

I wonder... truth is I really do want you to be happy, because although you so fucking screwed and you so fucking screwed me, you really are an amazing person.

Trying to let go... I keep telling myself that it does not have to be my fault that you stopped loving me. I keep trying to believe it does not mean there is something wrong with me. I am trying so hard to believe it was not my fault.

People just naturally move one, don't they?... I guess I am lacking "life experience"... hopefully only for now.

Trying to let go...

Forbidden song:

"I think I'm in love, damn finally..." - Glad, Jenifer Lopez.

I still recall in perfect detail that afternoon. We argued because I did not know "X" and it was important, so why did I not know? I remember I was busy with what my mom had asked me to do in her room and you went out to cool down. You went to my room and came back...
I had this one sentence written on my computer. One sentence... the most powerful sentence. Maybe it is because you taught me I could love that I find this so hard... maybe.

I just hope you, at some point in time, had also been glad.

Trying to let go...

"Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made..."

John Mayer - Daughters

Scared I have become a dissapointment.

I cry out for help. Tonight as I sit here I confess to the white sheet in front of my eyes that I need a place to die down. I inflicted pain once before on me and others, now it carries my soul. Instead of being a stranger knocking on my door once and a while it has become a guest in my heart. Although I understand the rules, even though I explain them over and over to my heart, mind and soul no one seems to take me seriously. I can’t afford to drown like I did before, I can’t afford to move out and allow pain to take over my inside. Voices screaming I should be stronger as I know that is what has always been expected. Recollection of stories about a person I was once before, always happy, strong and proud. Hate to be a disappointment to the ones I love. How did I become this grew inside? Where has the strength gone? Why am I not sure about me and my life anymore? Have I lost my directions, because all I seem to feel is lost? Did I kill the little girl inside that my mother loved so dear?

I cry out as it seems I am not being able to hold my head up, I miss being loved by my mom, by my closest friends and still I’m trying to accept my grandparents will not be on the other side of the door when I get home. I am a mess emotionally and find my mind trapping me. So many things could be said about what is going on inside so much pressure inflicted on me, too much this time. I confess it hurts to think I might not be what everyone expects or not hand out my heart when someone needs it.

I cry out and apologise, this time round, I might not smile as much.

"One - Mary J Blige ft U2"

Don't know why, I know I had already noticed and loved the passion and intensity in this song but for some reason I heard it today and I heard it... again and again, it hit me...

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You got someone to blame

You say one love, one life (one life)
It's one need in the night
One love (one love), get to share it
Leaves you darling, if you don't care for it

Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without

Well it's too late, tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to carry each other
Carry each other
One...

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus?
To the lepers in your head

Well, did I ask too much, more than a lot?
You gave me nothing, now it's all I got
We're one, but we're not the same
Well we, hurt each other
Then we do it again

You say
Love is a temple
Love is a higher law
Love is a temple
Love is the higher law
You ask me to enter
Well then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters and my
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One...
One love

There is probably a number of reasons why it hit me more now than before... I guess it takes time to fully let go, if this ever does happen, I guess it takes moments and bits and pieces out of us. It has been such an emotional month and a long time ago I would have cried on your shoulder, now I recall things have changed and this is just the way it needs to be...

Life opportunities

“Ain’t that just the way that life goes down, down, down. Moving way to fast or much to slow.” - My song and mommy’s, usually played when I recall that we need it and we sing along to the words because we both know them so well.
So, as I sit here in my room playing the song over and over again, I realise how empty the house is now. A month of coming and going, highs and lows, huge love and care, small little arguments but also lots of laughter. I bit of everything that makes me remember how complex my existence can be. A month of having the family all together or better in pieces all together as first my brother came, then my parents, then my uncle and aunt while the essential grandparents stayed solid. It was a life time opportunity and I am so grateful. It had been so many years that it felt like a life time since we last saw them. It is amazing how much I love them but how little I actually lived beside them. A strong emotional connection with two somewhat strangers that showed to be enduring no matter what. I really hope to get the chance to see them again and I don’t want to think of any other possibility.

Cassie and Darling I hope life to come carries on allowing the growth of the love between the two of you. It is most definitely what reminds me there is something special in this world. With all my heart I wish only but the best for you two.

Now it is the time for me to get back into my life. So many serious conversations about who I am and where I am going. Trying to find the “right” path for me and make the “right” decisions as I face one of my deepest fears – growing up. As a struggle all I want is to be happy. All I want is to a better person.