[2003-2009]

[Heartless] ... wishing

There are so many things I have wished for during my life. Strangely enough I have wished to be more of an adult a few times, being more able to deal with my emotions, more able to deal with difficult situations, knowing what is the best actions to take, listening more to my head than my heart. Strangely enough I wish, again, to be able to have the strength to deal with him and his new her. I have wished before to be adult enough and deal with how things were, being able to be his friend. I have wished before to maintain that connection as he has been such an important person in my life. I have wished to be strong enough to be his friend. Tonight, though I wish to have the courage to keep my head high, even after he hurt me more than I believed it were possible to hurt. Again, I wish these tears to be the last I cry over him. I wish for the hate to go away. I wish I will finally be able to forgive myself. I wish for the hate to go away, and one day be able to remember the happiness I so firmly believed he gave me once. Strongly, I wish to be able to remember how much I have apologized and tried to make up for my mistakes. And also, I wish to have the spirit to overcome how I feel less than worthy as a person.

[Heartless] ... possible to hurt anymore?

For years you hurt me. I always thought you could not hurt me anymore than you had already.

I was wrong.

You hurt me more than I can actually physically, emotionally and psychologically take.
You have managed to erase what I considered the biggest mistake I have made up to today (hurting you years ago). You have managed a way of making me feel my biggest regret has changed.

I regret believing, what I understood your words to be, when you spoke of us again.

Because you have always told me that I believe what I want to, that I put words in your month, I will of course respect that it must have, once again, been a mistake of mine. I blew out of proportion the whole story. After all, you never said anything for me to actually think you were in love or loved me and wanted me back in your life.

I regret not having had the strength to have told you to "close the door" that night we argued on msn a while ago.

I regret not having been able to move on after all these years. Tonight I regret having loved you so much.

You have been able to cause me more pain than happiness, maybe I did the same to you. I guess, good for you for having had the strength to move on.Tonight I regret things so much as all I feel for you is down to hate. Some time ago you were my symbol of Love, what we had shared was my ideal. Two months ago you made me realize how strongly I still felt for you, how important you still were, how what we once had was my perfection, how I respected you and what you had given me, how I love you.

For years you hurt me. I always thought you could not hurt me anymore than you had already.

I was wrong.

[Heartless] ... Long story, made shorter:

Boy and Girl meet.
Girl young and silly. Boy sweet, funny, aggressive in that hot naughty dangerous way.
Girl and Boy get along, Girl likes Boy but doesn’t understand that feeling, Boy falls in love with Girl, Boy and Girl start something, Girl doesn’t make it easier, Boy fights for them.

Beautiful right?

Girl learns about love the hard and stupid way, mistake made, big mistake made. Girl really hurts Boy. Girl can’t cope with pain. Girl cheated on Boy as in: she got kissed by another friend on a drunken evening and then worse doesn’t tell him. Live and learn - lesson: Tell the truth no matter what? Boy hurt, can’t cope with pain.

Boy meets another girl. Girl doesn’t back down, doesn’t give him space. Boy confused. Boy gets physically involved again with Girl. Boy then cuts everything again with Girl and carries on whatever the fuck he had with the fucking other previous girl.

Wait, it gets better!

Boy cheats on girl with Girl. Funny? Not really, pathetic of Girl really.

Mess.

Boy doesn’t love Girl. Girl can’t cope. Girl takes the opportunity as it arises and runs away. Far away.

Girl visits country on holidays. Every time round Boy and Girl get physically involved. Two years go by of this? Still Boy doesn’t love Girl. No. His words among other: Not in love with you.

Girl pushed constantly away. Fuckingly stupidly Girl never cuts the “relationship”. Girl torn between trying to move on and not understanding how his words can be different to his actions.

Boy has a fight on the internet with Girl. Girl sad. TWO WEEKS later Boy emails Girl. Boy with another girL. Girl is so fucking hurt. Girl is crushed. Girl can’t cope.
Girl gets sick when thinking about Boy with someone else.

Holiday time, Girl prays not to deal with Boy with girL. Stupidly Boy and Girl still meet. Boy and Girl friends? Boy cheats on girL.

Funny? Again? For fuck sake while I write this I see how pathetic Girl is.

Boy though, still doesn’t want or love Girl. Of course not.


Later Girl meets boY. boY is amazing. boY gives Girl hope. Girl so desperately wants to believe she can be special to someone. Girl isn’t as young anymore but still fucking stupid. boY likes Girl. boY and Girl begin a far away / holiday times special friendship. Girl doesn’t think how she might hurt boY.

Girl tells Boy she learning she likes boY. Boy says things like: you accuse me of moving on and now who is moving on? Added: Have a great life (ironic tone, of course). Followed by: apology for such an intense and horrible email… Girl fucking stupidly carries on attempting to bond with Boy. Maybe it is actually possible for Girl and Boy to be friends. Girl is not really letting go, is she?

People laugh… Girl seriously, after close to three years you still not letting go of someone that keeps telling you they not in love with you, that they don’t love you anymore? How many times must we tell you? Move on, people say.

Girl not on holiday, so far away. Boy one day decides he is not happy. Boy and Girl argue over internet. Boy says he wants to “close the door”. Girl is confused… was the friendship as it was at the time not working? Girl is so fucking stupid, gets upset, gets scared, doesn’t want to move on. Boy apologises for all the hurt. Girl cries, Girl actually believes Boy’s words. Girl believes his words to be real, true, genuine. Boy later on, in summary speaks: about strong feelings, wanting a second chance. Girl is so fucked up inside.

BUT hold on,

Wanting a chance when Girl gets back in the country of course!

Girl hurts boY. Girl holidays shortly. Girl tries to be as honest as she can with boY, boY such a good friend. Hurts Girl to hurt boY.
Girl meets up with Boy. Something still there? Girl believes things Boy says like: I want you in my life, You make me happy… Girl so fucking stupid. Girl believes maybe there is the possibility. Girl doesn’t want to jump into anything. Girl still acts with caution. Girl actually believes Boy. Boy speaks of always having had these feelings and never been able to deal with them not knowing how but wanting Girl. Girl leaves fucked up. Girl thinking… maybe when course is finished and Girl returns, Girl will be able to deal with all these things, feelings, broken wishes and hope for possible new beginnings.

Can this get any better? TWO MONTHS LATER:

Boy emails girl: “should have sent this email a few time ago, been thinking about us, we will always have a connection, HOWEVER, decision is made, I will let you go as I should had done it a long time ago. I think for the first time I realize that you or me won’t move on until we put a true ending to our relationship. I’m sorry for all the hardship that I made go through and the pain I caused. I only can hope that we can still be friends.”

Funny? Anyone feel sorry for Boy? Easy to fucking always apologise.

Girl hurt, Girl fucking upset. Girl so fucking angry for allowing herself to have felt again for Boy, for have thought about them again, for wondering if maybe there was a real honest chance of it working out between them in the near future. Girl replied to Boy with things like: “So I have not even returned yet and you telling me "let’s break" up? Man if there is another fucking girl just tell it to me straight ok. For a month or more you could have sent me an email asking how I am talking anything... being a friend. But did you? NO. Now to tell me that well actually, you know what, I have thought better and really my feelings are not that strong, that you can do. Right. To things like: Fine. I wish you were just fucking honest with me from the start instead of always playing with my feelings.”

So does everyone want to see Boy’s reply?

Boy replies a week later of course, because he is probably now busy fucking the new girL: “Yes I was stupid I made my decision some time ago, and yes I'm with somebody else. I should have told you on the first email. But no I didn't want to play with your feelings, it wasn't my intention. I'm sorry once again for messing up with u. Once again It wasn't my intention.”

Girl doesn’t know how to feel as inevitable girL can only be better than her. Girl has no one else to blame but herself because told you, over and over gain, Boy was only screwing her mind. Boy had only thought he wanted Girl when Girl found boY. Girl defended Boy over and over, Girl said no, Boy isn’t like that.

Boy understood in two months that Girl isn’t what he wants. Boy found another girL after telling Girl when and if she came back he wanted to see what they could have together. How could Girl have fucking believed Boy’s feelings were real? Or… then again, doesn’t Girl understand all the hurt Boy caused Girl can only be Girl’s fault?

How could Girl love Boy so much? Still, after so many years of pain, How? Why did Boy hurt Girl again, so fucking intensively?
It can’t be Boy’s fault he meet girL and fell in love… so it can only be stupid of Girl to be so angry, upset and hurt inside. Boy never promised Girl nothing. Girl has no right to be angry or sad.

-> It was never Boys intention.

Girl is fucked up inside. Girl thinks Boy was a fucking heartless bastard. Girl can’t feel anything but hate towards Boy. Girl can’t breath. Girl doesn’t respect herself. Girl is so fucking stupid, it hurts her inside.

-> Now, Girl is Heartless.

[Heartless] ... Subnicks

Something on the fucking lines of … “if only I had the words to let you know how much I want you”.

A few weeks ago, when I read his subnick, I though, wow beautiful actually, even to an extent, sweet.

Ha ha let’s all fucking laugh at me, cause I’m the fool…

not words for me. No. What the fuck, how could I even think it could have been for me?

After all it’s been two months. A new love has been found! This time I can not even say I hope it goes well, sorry but why should I even give a fuck?

I will never ever read another word you write. I’m fucking tired of having your words in my head, playing back over and over.

[Heartless] ...

So much pain in me. I do not know what to do, say or think. Want to cry. Want to write every single thing I feel, until my fingers bleed. Want to get you out me.

The following sequence of posts will be rude, horrible and shallowly low.

Let the process begin…

[Heartless]

"How could you be so Heartless?"

She sat down,

on the floor,

the heat of the ground burning through her clothes and scratching her skin...

He just stood there.
E_motion_less.
Looking, passed, beyond her.

Heartless, she sat there in front of him with her heart in her hand, open chest.
A hole.

An empty space where "it"
was,
once before.

Her heart in her hand, she sat there paralyzed and throw her heart towards him.
She sat there burning from the outside in, inside out
and throw her ripped, still pumping heart
towards him.

->Here you go!
You fucking crushed my heart so many times, might as well fucking smash it up
once and for all.
You fucking played with it so may times rather take it...

Fucking get through with it, for once and for all.