violentamente

As long as i don't stop... you not the main point in my mind. As long as I am busy you not the focus and I feel somewhat stronger...

a estufa fria. hj tava aberta. mais um sitio k tentei ir ctg e ñ consegui pk no dia k fomos tava fexado. mais uma coisa k keria fazer ctg e só ctg. pensei em la ir, podia ir com uma amiga ou amigo mas ñ sei... era ctg k keria... e tu, tao longe, cd x mais. tantas coisas k vao mudar, tantos sonhos k vou ser obrigada a eskecer. ha tanto tempo k acabamos e inda agora sinto ao escrever a mm dor.
cm é k posso estar assim nesta situação. como é k este amor me pode ter marcado tao VIOLENTAMENTE.
desejo tanto um dia conseguir olhar para tras e sorrir. perdoar me. e sorrir.

Scared

as the days go by my fears grow and the thought of leaving so many things, closing so many dords and facing so many new experiences makes me tremble. So Scared. I'm really really scared.
I don't know if it is the best choise for me and if in any way it will give me a brighter future so i guess it's normal to have second thoughts, to wonder and feel this way.

maybe i'm being silly but it seams like england and you, you and england the idea of never seeing you again, the idea of we already being nearly strangers, i'm being pushed and pulled by my mind in so many directions...

scared.

Festa!

Epah lol o ppl bebedo, é de morrer a rir. Só disparates.
Foi mais uma daquelas noites em que me senti de certa forma uma observadora vendo o filme a minha frente, ñ gosto mto por isso nunca bebo mto, prefiro continuar com noção das coisas que se passam a minha volta. Foi mto bom, relaxante, tds nos divertimos imenso uns com os outros. As bocas, a merda dita, sempre seremos especiais uns pros outros por estas e mtas outras memorias.

gostei. gostei mto.

falamos mais uma x durante uma boa hora, sempre tivemos estas conversas né m. Longas e serias. gosto de saber k já tas bem, gosto de saber que ñ sofres por uma pessoa k agora sei k não te merece. gosto mm mto de saber k ainda somos amigos, especialmente dps de tanta coisa, mm kd as xs tu ficas xatiado cmg por não corresponder a tudo axo k acabas por entender e continuas a respeitar me. ainda bem k dadas as voltas k se deram conseguimos estar na boa.

vou adorar este grupo pk axo k nunca vou encontrar nenhum tao unido. Adoro-vos mm a tds.

yesterday and today i've been on my mind so much that some how a part of me beggins to get sad. Missing you and you are the only person i can't talk to, reach out to, ask to be some time with or anything at all.
Found out that you're already on your vacations like you so much wanted. Wonder for how long you are going to be away...
the words... we will talk by message, sound in my head. So many fucking things you said to me so many times that were never true.
Probably having the time of your life right, exactly like the way you like it, you can smoke as much as you want, drink until drunk every night, no one woring you and all the fucking girls you want.
Yeah you and the only person you say you need, your best friend enjoying it up.
Maybe if i wasn't such a horrible person i would be happy for you...

Tired of this shit.

Just really want to get him out of me.

the last time i was here it was on the 18th. went to see what day that was and i rememberd. I was with n. Ended what could have been a very pleasent day in the worst way... sad and angry at each other. Since them no word, sent you more than one message and nothing. not even a reply to very normal and simple question about school.
anyway.
i guess things are like they must be. you have your own life and seem to enjoy it. got what you want, no problems to worry about. At least you say you alright the way you are and I know you'll be happy very soon.


if we happen to see each other i honestly can't say i'm going to be perfectly fine...


today was excelent and yesterday too. I miss "the group" although you ain't there but i guess it's my fault that we all "broke" now we only work when n and i ain't both in the group. sad. cause i really miss those times.
but i'm tired of blaming myself.
tired of feeling like this.

enjoying the best i can the company that surrounds me.
want to fully apreciatte every moment.

so angry with myself.
think the best will be me going to bed and trying to sleep. After the shit is done there is no way to make time go back and i keep understanding ... the problem is mine. I'm the only one that is still in love and seems to need want and wish to be together more and more. It's not your fault and maybe you never ever did anything wrong. The problem is mine and it's time i also move on.
fucking hate this feeling more and more.

i guess we said goodbye.

start of bad news

already got the bad news.
two schools from what is seems don't want me.
England I know is a dream, but not going cause of the money was always my main thought, not going cause i'm not wanted...
i guess that hurts even more.

Goodbye

My last day and today I feel like it was the end of many many things.
Feel sad.

Tempos livres, saudades ja.

We didn't argue. I didn't really say goodbye to your face but I sent you a message cause I know that from now we are going to fall futher apart cause I ain't going to run to you, speak to you first... or beg you for your attention. I know in the end it will make no difference to you so I don't worry at all...
For me I know it is going to be hard... for at least two years I've been loving someone that can not love me back... I know it is going to be hard.

I'm letting you go

completely

with all the

streth

left in me

guess we hurt each other

to badly

and

things just

were not

ment to be.

Goodbye my lover...

Goodbye my friend.

hope to start i new life and be happy once again.

marks

I have to say I'm proud of myself. For once I did not go wrong. Not so shitty as I thought.


Sad tomorrow is the last day with my kids and my mind ain't going to be so ocupaid so stupid thought please stay away...


It's incridble. Maybe it is just me... maybe it is just my problem and I'm the one that is wrong ... right to be dissapointed or sad... I have no right but still... You keep hurting me more and more...
3 weeks and you were to busy to say anything at all, fetch books someone in the car next to you but what could you do it was an order cause she is a friend of your mother... so I had no right to get angry or anything at all, a discussion that just made me sadder, you at the cafe with a friend and I just happend to go to the same one... but hey you really so damn busy, far to busy to speak even to me...
So marks out. Big day. See you you tell me your marks, think boy just a little I've seen them... and me? how were mine?

" oi - oi - a paixao ta no carro se kiseres falar com ela - hum ta bem - tive 8 a ingles - nem sei cm dado k nao fizeste nd - falar com a paixao. - ser despaxada. - yah nem me pgs pelas minhas notas - (a paixao confusa, kais notas tipo o k foram fazer a escola, duh...) - silencio." fui embora magoada. tou a ser parva?
tenho razoes pa tar triste?
eskeceste-te
cagaste
o k?
ah
...
who gives a fuck...

cada x te sinto mais longe e mais odio e magoa e dor sinto a tua volta.
cd x me sinto mais triste por as coisas tarem assim.

marks

I have to say I'm proud of myself. For once I did not go wrong. Not so shitty as I thought.


Sad tomorrow is the last day with my kids and my mind ain't going to be so ocupaid so stupid thought please stay away...


It's incridble. Maybe it is just me... maybe it is just my problem and I'm the one that is wrong ... right to be dissapointed or sad... I have no right but still... You keep hurting me more and more...
3 weeks and you were to busy to say anything at all, fetch books someone in the car next to you but what could you do it was an order cause she is a friend of your mother... so I had no right to get angry or anything at all, a discussion that just made me sadder, you at the cafe with a friend and I just happend to go to the same one... but hey you really so damn busy, far to busy to speak even to me...
So marks out. Big day. See you you tell me your marks, think boy just a little I've seen them... and me? how were mine?

" oi - oi - a paixao ta no carro se kiseres falar com ela - hum ta bem - tive 8 a ingles - nem sei cm dado k nao fizeste nd - falar com a paixao. - ser despaxada. - yah nem me pgs pelas minhas notas - (a paixao confusa, kais notas tipo o k foram fazer a escola, duh...) - silencio." fui embora magoada. tou a ser parva?
tenho razoes pa tar triste?
eskeceste-te
cagaste
o k?
ah
...
who gives a fuck...

cada x te sinto mais longe e mais odio e magoa e dor sinto a tua volta.
cd x me sinto mais triste por as coisas tarem assim.

monitor - tempos livres no fim.

estas semanas têm sido preenchidas com varios altos e baixos.
O facto de amar aquilo e de me ocupar a cabeça tem ajudado.
Tenho pena k sexta seja o ultimo dia. Ajuda me a dispersar o pensamento... a merda entre nos. kkc outra merda externa. é de certa forma apagada... mm k temporariamente.
Bem k podia ser durante mais tempo:(

Amanha... notas...
vamos ver.

destiny

we argued. I went to the beach. I wrote everything I think I really feel. I said goodbye. Went back to leave the paper on your car. You were already gone.

why did i lose you?
i can't remember so many things and wonder why.
so many mistakes I spend my life making.
I hate when we argue.

Now when will i be able to let you go?

Feel like crap.
If only I could feel nothing. Nothing at all.
Please God. All i want is a frozen heart.

starting to hate my feelings, actions and memories more and more every day. Start remembering how I hate myself and how I can't find a way out...

hurt.

I don't care.
Yes I'm making a whole big film out of this but...

for 3 weeks no word. then a call to please lend him some books. I'm fucking stupid wondering how I'll react cause i'm hurt but I still would like to say yes if he askes if i want to go for a ride. It's something special for me, i've always wanted him to get his license so he could take me out even if for a while somewhere close. Get to the car and there is a girl next to him. Fucking stupid amie cause she thought we would want her company. Yeah right.
Amie wake up. Didn't care about your exam enough to ask how it went. Doesn't care how you might feel. (I don't care if they friends if they going to study at the beach if he is going to go somwhere and fuck her...) Knowing any of this just makes me sadder cause what am I good for? Nothing. ... 3 weeks no word. and when I finally do see him there is someone beside him.

Yes i'm fucking stupid and making making a whole damn film. But it hurt me so damn much.

I hate you so much right now but I hate myself so much more.

os meus putos:)

three days have past and things seem to be going alright. Some confusion, scared that i'm the bad "horribel" monitor but trying my best.

hj tive a pensar cm se nao pensasse nos outros dias mas apercebi-me... two weeks and 5 full days and no word from him. yeah of course this ain't nothing at all that should make me sad. thinking about this crap this morning brought tears to my eyes and as i walked up the road to the school i cleaned my face so when i got there i could smile and do my "job". fucking just want you out of my head, no more thinking dreaming nothing about a guy that don't even fucking talk to me. Want you out of me. in all this time that you were so busy you couldn't even ask me how my things were going i just fucking hope you studied so that at least you pass this year.


Portugal. Mto bom xegar onde xegamos.

going to be a monitor.
don't feel capable.
just hope these two weeks go well and that the kids like me...

strangely not myself

Last night we went all out cause of Aninhas birthday. enjoyed myself like I guess i always do but strangely i was not exactly myself. Stood outside of it for "many" whiles and just observed. Love seing the jumping the lights the perfect bodies so intunned in to the music and that can't seem to stop dancing.

got to say i was caught by surprise by a certain presence but got to say also that i loved to see you so "in love" aninhas and I really hope that you guys can resolve everthing and for once and for all just be happy together.

every where i see those tings i miss and seing you actually made me happier and sadder which made me feel stronger. All the other couples around me the touches and smiles i can't remember, the honest kisses those yes made me think about you so in all you where on my mind during the whole night. makes it harder to be me and just block everything else... maybe that and the rest of the feeling were the reason why i didn't exploded. Maybe in a couple of weeks or so, after the marks came out... or probably still even after that... then I hope i'll be able to let myself go.
Although you where on my mind and it touched me like I guess it always does seing around me that "love" i don't have... last night i actually smiled at it. Seems like I can't identify love no more and it look all like nothing that "belongs" to me, nothing i deserve. Like it is something I'm not going to have in my life cause deep down, how do i say, doesn't make part of the life i think i'm going to have. Since before I can remember i always said love wasn't for me and yesterday there was a couple, a small girl and taller young guy, they both danced like the world was theres and smilled at each other like they were sure.
looked at them and I can't say i even felt jealous. Strange.
Was happy for them. Happy that at that moment when i looked at them two, kissing both with there eyes closed, hugging and moving to the beat, I believed there is Love... even if not for me...

I remember the one time I can visualy see in my mind perfect and clear that we went out together and how much i enjoyed it cause it was everthing i most love in my life together, you and dancing to my music. These moments I know we will never have again... moments you would never ever give me again and this inside me proves that I can't love you for the rest of my life cause I ain't going to die no more inside.
We not right for each other cause when I finally learnt to be the one for you, when I learnt maybe the hardest way how to deal with love something i never wanted really for me, I lost you. It's the fact you don't need me, cause you can stay a whole week with out talking to me, it's the fact you don't care for my things cause you can't even ask you things went knowing how important the exams are for me, it's the fact that we don't share those little things in life like a night out, it's the fact you don't hold me in from of anyone else, it's the fact you've already told me we don't work... It's the fact you don't love me like i want to believe you once did. all these facts ... i really got to let go.

pathetic exam

Let's say that as i got out of the class i "ran" to the station and there was just no way to control the anger at myself that I felt inside, it just came out with out no effort and ran down my face.

feel like saying thanks to a friend of mine, don't know him very well yet cause i met him through the people of the night at my school but Rui you've been really sweet so thanks.

Lots of people, well the one's I knew would remember and care were concerned and to them I also thank for been by my side these past weeks. Pedrinho if you read this you are inclueded in this group:)

But now there ain't nothing left but to wait for the second chance do to this exam again.

Anyway today is my first actual holiday day.
Not feeling so up cause i guess these exam is going to be in my mind until the marks come out.
Also and i guess it is just cause i'm so stupidly pathetic but one person I really would have liked to have got some suport from ain't even said anything... just like i said he wouldn't. A hole week as passed and no matter how busy you may be I still can't beleive there was not one minute to say something. BUT WHAT THE FUCK FOR RIGHT?
I just hope next time I see you no matter how I miss you want you or feel like being ok with you I'll be able to look the other way and walk away. You keep on hurting me and all I've aksed lately is for a little of friendship. Hey but like ALWAYS it's not you... it's me. I'm the one that askes for to much ...
it's not fair
it really ain't fair why i still hurt so damn much and all i wanted was you to show what you fucking say you feel.
Can't believe you no more just can't.
fucking message saying hey amie how did the exam go... not even that. guess maybe you didn't even know i did the exam while i know when you got yours. Guess these things are what show me the reality.
i'm just so fucking stupid that I believed you might still have had feeling for me, true feelings...
But hey it's not you it's me cause maybe you just really to busy and there is so many things going on in your life right now that there ain't no time to think about me... so in that case i quit...
better off with out me ...

that's all you show me.