Do we grow stronger?

Wish my brain was stronger, emotions weaker and heart colder as I find myself trying so damn hard not to drown in loneliness.

Question why I can not be a little more like other people, normal or at least a little more stable. Why I always find it so hard to overcome certain feelings, doubts and disappointments.

Haunted by questions about a past, about a future, about the paths and decisions that have been and are still in need to be made. Don’t really know how to stop worrying about things that others are able to ignore or at least hide their concerns better.

I am trying so hard and sinking so quickly. Been told I am the biggest critic of myself and I feel all I am doing is failing.

I’m so scared and feel so alone.

real-ty

In the attempt to return to the reality of my days here, I will go to bed tonight close my eyes, think my last thoughts of fantasy and fall asleep. Leaving behind I will all those feelings and sensations that have been built these past few weeks. Dependency on a company that no longer is present, dependency on conversations that brighten up a little the busy-less day; things that need to be restructured. Reality.

letting ... out

So now I sit here alone in my room, a big room today, a huge empty and dark room. It was so different to have you around and everyday started with a different sensation. I was able to laugh every single day. Every day I was able to have your hand or shoulder and that support is something I have in a sense done without. It is hard to know realise I am going to be alone again. It is like reality has hit me in the ass and things are going to have to return to what they were before. It just makes me think about my decision about what I believe to be important. It just hits so many triggers so many issues, so many insecurities. I wish I could say I am happy always but you coming and going is proof things are never that simple. My strength is constructed by myself during a session of weeks but then every time I get a change to feel how it is again, to enjoy the love of my friends, then I became weak. It demolishes the walls I seem to have to build.

It could be an accumulation of things that has lead to this out burst of emotions. To what extent isn’t it also just worries about uncertainty. Where will I be in three years time and who will be around me? Combining with the reality that a door I have wished to open is still closed? Will I ever be able to get the same opportunity and experience regression, will I be able to actually have a solid statement of experience, personal experience, to back my beliefs? Will there ever be the sense that my destiny is tracking in the right direction?

The hardest thing is to understand there may never be any answer to any question that I pose. The hardest thing might be to understand maybe I was not actually meant to go down certain paths. There might also be no way certain voids I have inside will be filled and maybe I just need to learn that this is exactly what is to be. Certain things have been done and choices have been made for better or worse, no return.

Regression

Like a moth to a flame burned by the fire
My love is blind, can’t you see the desire?

I heard this and something inside me trembled. I’m not sure how I am going to write this or if this is a good idea to actually write down, just as I type these few words I feel a pain in the depth of my soul.

I have a desire to believe in things I have always thought to be true. I have a strong wish to feel the truth I believe to hold. I have an intense love in things I have never experienced.
This weekend was my first encounter with the possibility of unfolding things such as past lives; Concepts that inside sparkle joy hope and make me whole.

I feel as if something so special has been denied, there where two other people and they had the most amazing and intense experiences. I for some reason or no reason whatsoever was not “able”. A door I have forever, it feels, wanted to have opened, remains looked. And now the sadness, the frustration and the doubt feeds my soul.

Wondering if I am trapped to such an extent, if I am damaged, if I am not worthy, if I am just not in tune and if I will ever be so that I can be granted a glimpse into this world that is so sacred to me.

Uma historia de amor, porque nestes ultimos tempos é amor que eu quero dar. É amor que eu quero sentir, amar nunca foi algo que eu entendi, na verdade pouco sei sobre este “sentimento”, hum pergunta se se é mesmo um sentimento enquanto se escreve. O som de uma musica mais ou menos lenta envolta de suaves movimentos e batidas descontroladas de um modo controlado. Com este conjunto de ritmo fecho os olhos e sinto um bater de coração no peito de um abraço que me conforta. Segurança eu procuro num olhar confiante e um sorriso maroto. Releio o que se encontra a minha frente, não faz sentido, tal como aquele sentimento de que vagamento me lembro de ter sentido. Há uma semana atrás foi me dito que amor é um truque, um truque da natureza, algo irracional e ilogico que simplesmente dura um tempo para iludir, fazer as pessoas vulneraveis. Um truque da natureza para juntar duas pessoas num espaço onde acham que só elas existem. Uma ilusão de tempo limitado com o proposito de ajudar este mundo a continuar a espandir, para o proposito de mais vidas surgir, mas numa pura ilusão de sagrado e magico quando não passa de meras leis de evolução. Amor, não sei se sou fria se quero ser para me proteger ou se a minha falta de confiança tem razão de ser. Quero rir me das palhaçadas, quero chorar com os contratempos, preciso de saber se aquilo que fui com ele é o que serei com outro amor. Ter muito que dar, ou achar que se tem muito que dar e sentir que não há lugar, espaço ou tempo onde alguém existe “perfeito” para receber, é um pouco triste. Sentimentos fisicos que perpetuam dentro de mim, calor e mais do que outra coisa força no meu interior, a espera de se libertar. Quando me deixo, fecho os olhos e sinto um aperto, partilhamos muito, partilhamos a nossa vida procuramos objectivos e lutamos juntos para sorrir todos os dias. Quando me deixo, fecho os olhos e imagino que é possivel alguém querer me, querer me durante muito tempo para o bem e para o mal. Quando me deixo, fecho os olhos e acredito que amor existe para mim, um amor daqueles como na televisão nos primeiros tempos, cheio de paixão e depois um amor como aquele que me assusta.

Entro na discoteca com uma enorme vontade de dançar, a seguir a fazer amor esta é a minha grande paixão. Posso libertar a energia que não nego existir dentro de mim. Sei que não é o mais correcto admitir que tenho estes impulsos tao fortes dentro de mim mas não sou pessoa de os deixar me controlar a mim, eu sei como me comportar. Liberto tudo com cada movimento e passo que dou ao som seja qual som que estiver a dar. Cruzo o salão de uma ponta a outra tomando posse do chão que piso. O calor vem de dentro e o pequeno bafo que vem das colunas refresca me quando me encosto, subo e desço de costas viradas nelas. Rodopio e fecho os olhos, mexo no cabelo e sinto o meu corpo a encurvar batida sim batida não. Sou livre e posso me libertar. A pica, a vontade, este sentimento estranho que surge como uma onda do mar de bem la do fundo ate ao de cima, rebenta e espuma quando bate na realidade. Tambores e batidas que me fazem estremecer, tenho uma reacção fisica por todo o corpo, alegre por se mexer.

I close my eyes and I feel these strong arms around my body. They hold me slightly thigh as if in control of me, as if in possession of me, as if worried I will run away. We are so close, his breath on my ear slightly leaving me trembling inside. He pulls me to the side moves me from one point to the other; I follow as if in his control, as if he is the owner of my heart and my soul. His hand just slightly bellow the line of my back smoothly moving down making me feel slightly excited. The music loud and strong drowning in us in a world of desire.

cold inside

Stardust.

One word, one film; So many, many emotions. There was no way I was able to control it, tears came as I tried so hard to contest them.

To be very honest sometimes it is hard to actually lower guard, but it is even harder to feel mislead.
Reality sometimes seems stranger, harder to actually make sense of so maybe that is why I have always been a dreamer. Desires of reaching highs that only in my mind seem to exist with the power and beauty I want. Hopes of a future as bright as the starts that light my soul on a good day, these are still inside. Reality slowly slips and I feel myself drift, fighting against certain details trying to maintain the sense of me I wish I was actually to be.