Got thinking about how peoples mind works and realised a bit about myself. There is always something bigger and better to achieve and I’m not sure I am ever satisfied with myself. There is nothing wrong with Average, however thinking of myself as a B in everything really makes me sad. Do I ask too much of myself? Might I have the wrong perspectives? Maybe, still the way I feel or the way I think about me, does not change just because someone tells me this or that. I need to work on me, on the reasons why I push myself further on the reasons why I am not happy. There seems to be a common thread when I think about how I feel when I am a B, the disappointment. The letting myself and the people I love down. Too much pressure for perfection? Yes, a bit, but I do not want to disappoint anyone. I can not deal with disappointment. Why is this so much of an issue? I feel the confidence or belief in myself might have changed throughout a bit of my life and maybe certain things have modified how I see myself. I really want to have something that is special. I would just like to say something in me is an A. I do not believe this though, and it is becoming really difficult to accept that at grades and schooling I am not on the highest, as this before at least felt like was something I did have. However I think sometimes I managed to cheat the system, I am not that bright and for a good amount of years I was on the top and got the highest achievements, it was what I had going for myself. The system has somehow caught up with me and I no longer can rise my self esteem by thinking at least I am a good student. Just really average, and then what about the rest? While I have always been below on all other areas. Low self worth? Oh fuck yes, do not really feel I am worthy and seems like the more I try to compensate in the university area the more disappointed I grow in myself. Does any of this make sense? Would I like to have a higher self esteem? Of course, but I know who I am, I know who I have been. Have I developed a problem? I would like to think that I will allow myself to accept this Average. I would like to think that all these other thoughts… that I will allow myself to believe someone can actually truly like me, for me, for however many B’s I am. I just want to believe a bit more in me and my past seems to drag me down. But then again, I should be strong enough to not let it affect me anymore or so much. But. I am Not.
