powerful

Got off, taking a step onto the solid ground beneath me. As I put my headphones in and watch the bus move away I take a few slow steps walking ahead. Routine walking home; dark surrounding which I am not afraid off, actually never been. Sense of freedom as I reach a corner; I’m struck by the enormous sky above me, dark, demanding respect as the clouds gather. I can only put smile as a sudden rush runs through me, the world is so immense and I am so small and insignificant although today I feel strong and cannot help but smile. Maybe it is the moon, maybe it is my inner me. I spin, MUSIC is flowing through me. Intense. Emotions. I am proud of being me, I am proud of the life I have chosen, I am proud of feeling the way I do, as a sudden breeze of wind blows me. With it I rise. I cannot help but smile as I spin underneath the amazing sky. I am grateful and I say thank you. Thank you God for being the best part of me.

some days come harder...

bah pequeno desabafo:

It is so fucking frustrating, I have “n” online I mean added as a contact so I can see him, I think maybe it is better, because in a sense I need to deal with the fact that he may be in front of me but I don’t need him, don’t want him, he does not feel the same as I thought and I do not love him the same way because he is not the same person, things changed... I need to learn to deal. but seeing him makes it hard cause he changes his nick, he changes it quite often and I see that and I ask myself how hard can it be to say hello, how are u. ask if everything is alright. I got back to this country and he didn’t even ask me if I was alright. I spoke to him once about a film and he didn’t even seem to care because next time I went and spoke, he didn’t even have a memory of the message I had left him. So or he didn’t read it or he didn’t even care. This second time I spoke, I was on my way to bed when he actually responded so I didn’t speak much and left before he said goodnight. Then the next day went just to try and say hi speak a little bit better but he was going to shower. Told me, I said oki and after that he didn’t even talk again... so the three times something was said it was me.

What fucks me the most is I care for that fucking ass-whole when he couldn’t even fucking see what he had not that I am all that but… I would have given my world for that bastard. It is so sad the amount of hate I feel towards him.

Today I’m reminded of how I am such a horrible person as my mind fills through of thoughts.

I wish he could suffer, hurt as much as he has hurt me, feel the pain he has made me feel so many times, for so long. Love someone so sincerely and not be loved back, care for someone with so much passion and not be respected either. I wish he could hurt as I hurt.

Tonight he feels so died to me. I will allow a shed of one tear because I don’t even think I have been alive for him for already over a year.

I am so fucking annoyed for being such a rubbish person inside.

gutto

fdx n diz me
caralho
kem te vai amar assim?

14th

I hate this month.
this month is reminding me off the fucking mistakes I made. The screw up I am at the end of the day.

fantasies

The feeling of skin, smooth skin, on your hands as you press them on my legs slowly. Moving from my ticklish feet, in long awaited movements, up to my thighs. Squeezing me tight, close to your body, so close I can hear your heart beat. Looking in my eyes rendering me with that feeling that nothing will ever hurt me again.

For a while now I dream of being in someone’s arms. Feeling loved, wanted, desired. I lost the only love I have known, such a long time ago and been left with a hollow sensation. There are days I believe I have nothing to offer and my dreams are filled with preoccupation; Visions of an uncertain future, or nightmares about my mistakes. These days the most common. Then in a glimpse of boredom my mind wonders to these fantasies and my dreams turn into attempts to distort my reality. There is a part of me that wishes I could share the love I feel inside me. I could have a second chance at being someone’s love. Holding hands and taking those steps…