effort

These past days I have kind of figured out a little about myself...

Been thinking about me, about me as a girlfriend; I have only had one serious relationship and it was a strong one, learnt how to love and loved with so much passion, made so many fucking mistakes, burnt myself over and over and in many senses still trying to let go.
But today this question ponders in the back of my mind…
When in love does effort come effortlessly?
Why is it that when people really like another they seem to compromise so much of themselves, or is this not true? This question rises in my mind because I have lately been finding out that my one only love seemed to have suffered so fucking much with me as a girlfriend. So many things it seems he did just to please me, just because I was a pain and so the sacrifice was made to keep me happy, or quiet at least.
Since I broke up with this guy my self confidence has become crap and honestly for many years I have been struggling, this last year I moved away from home, family and friends and have accomplished so much that I think if I really want to do something I just need to try. But… man, when it comes to love? What the fuck, I am defenitly in my circle of friends, the most fucked up girl, most complicated and questions have been blowing me away. I have never really understood how N could have loved me so intensely, there were poems, there were espontaneos gestures, there were trips to so many places I wanted, there was so much effort, there was another very important thing, there was concern and commitment, seemed like he know me better than I knew myself. So question? Will this ever happen again?
These past days I have heard this and that and I just think to myself, my god, am I so bad, so annoying, so demanding? Was I really that kind of girlfriend?

Feeling just quite like I don’t know, impossible to love, is exactly it.

Seems like there is a wave of love going around, maybe because the weather is getting warmer and so this time calls adventure, don’t know. Just lately I hear that this person is started a relationship with that person, people getting together, people getting back-together, people getting married, people desperately looking for someone special…
I feel so trapped in a circle of unsatisfaction, a circle where I feel I don’t even deserve anything at all.

I have been asking myself if I still love this guy that means so much of the world to me… but all my feelings are consumed with the fact that between us there is no future, no love in his eyes, no more effort, damn man no more commitment. I moved away so I could let this guy have a live right? So, what’s the point in holding on to something that doesn’t make me as happy as I was once was shown? That is the point?

Giving in to the softer and more pathetic side of me, where is the guy that wanted to hold my hand in the bad times also?

Are these questions coming to me due to this wave or is it because in England I had no time to ponder about shit?

Today looking at the beach, walks on the beach, romantic hugs, playfull time in the sea; today looking at a peacefull grean area, sitting under the tree in silence just hugging, today at the bar, going out clubbing, dancing, laughing, enjoying time alone, enjoying time with all our friends…
Am I still so naïve that I believe in this kind of relationship where one person completes the other and the days to be together are counted anxiously?

When in love does effort come effortlessly?

I'd do anything for love.
(Meat Loaf)

the side inside me

that still needs to die

wishes to be loved

loved with the same passion

that

this song vibrates.

stupid day

Just one of those days that I feel somewhat
Insignificant.

Many little stupid things, like disorganization at school, made me a little angry and a very stupid little thing also, being told I was arrogant… this lead to an overall unsatisfaction in me.
Today I just picked on him with absolute no reason and no wonder this guy never wanted me back…
I got big mental problems I think.

Let’s see if I make sense of this, well honestly even talking about it just showed me how stupid my attitude was. Problem is sometimes I have these days; sometimes I feel like crap and become just totally more receptive to bad thoughts. So because I was upset with the trouble I had at school to get something organized and I was pointed out to have been arrogant to one of the lady, I got angry. Now the problem is, although it was pathetic the disorganization, it wasn’t actually that lady’s fault to whom I could have yes, talked a little more harshly. This made me feel bad. I hate when I treat people bad or with less respect than they deserve. This is why no matter what, every time I argue with someone I feel so terrible.
So followed I have to admit at a certain point I was not jealous but on the other hand there were a little of sparkles and the problem is that they mixed up with some jealousy towards your dream holiday plans. Sounds weird and it is, because I am fucked up inside. I don’t know I just so much want to be the one for you and at the same time so much want you out of my life and out of my soul.
So I irritated you with worthless comments and bullshit that doesn’t even matter but felt you pulling away more and more and that just made it worse. I was feeling so crappy by the middle of the day, should have just asked to leave.

I was definitely not good company but at the end I felt you tried hard to get me back home as soon as possible, can’t say I don’t understand why but still just contributed to me feeling worse.

I have to really get my mind together, see B for this reason I question, wouldn’t it be best just to move away? I know you would not treat me like a friend, I know you would exclude me but I ask myself sometimes, maybe it is just worse to be fucking up things. No more having to deal with my crap.

Listening to these silly romantic songs, remembering this one song… stoned, there is a part where the guy says: I can handle all the baggage that you're carrying.

I’ve reached I think a point in my life where I believe there will never be anyone that will be able to tell me this.
Makes me so sad, because I just seem to be so screwed up.

Really truly sorry for today is all I can say to him.

Hoping for a better day tomorrow.

Home Sweet Home

Back:)
Home!

it is so strange to actually have two lifes, kind of two personalities, diferent identities in relation to my surroundings, friends and family.

But nothing like my mom's hug, my friends smile's and a sweet warmth that only the Portuguese sun leaves on my skin.

It was a fantastic welcome and I so so surprised to see so many of my friends sitting around the table, happy for my return. Made me feel special, something I can say, I do miss a lot.

A couple of days have passed and in the mixture of already some complaints from my mom, some weird and mixed feelings towards N I have to say I just want to relax, let go and refresh for another year. The first year was not bad and I am proud of what I achieved but I need to remember next one will need more commitment and so I need to go back with clear determination.

...

I want to remember my place in the situation, not much more than a friend so I will take a step back from the habbit of being your girlfriend. It was strange because I wasn't actually jealous, something that is new to me, I think I was more pissed of with the smoking (I don't know why it pisses me off, I just know it does, it makes me fucking irritated cause I can't get passed the negative of it) and probably even more just because I again lost the attention in the crowd. Now, for this reason... I need to take a step back from my habbit of being something more than I am now. So...
looking at things clearly will be the way I will handle things this time round. We ain't nothing to each other and so I will not excpet nor want anything from ya.


Still need to catch up with some friends, but I am hoping that in the big picture I will be able to provide some help to one or two that are close to me:) A friendly hand is in my opinion always the most important thing in life.

Feeling strong, happy and fresh:)

my day

after a really tiring day, stressful to the point of i just can't wait to get out...

a message
on my phone
my mom
!

Today is my day In Portugal!!

because there will always be a child inside me:)
and because I am just nothing more than a big little child:P