Gratitude, Love, Happiness.

I have completed my second year of university!

The day it ended was such as relief with my final exam, the hardest one and probably the one I really wanted to just get over with. It is all over and done now as I few days have passed and I have begun working. I have to make some money in order to spend some money isn’t it? That is the way the world works.

I don’t know if what is ahead is going to be simple, easy or even as enjoyable as I wish it to be. I had a slight misunderstanding already with him and even though I have tried not to think about it, it lingers in the back of my mind. So hard to know what he wants from me, what is the correct way to talk to him or behave and I know it is going to be so strange this time round when I go back. If endings were simple I guess they would not be such a strange issue for me. Sometimes in my naïve mind I just wish I could make him understand how hard it is for me so that then he could have an idea about the situation. If only guys could also speak there mind, be honest and just verbalise thoughts. I don’t believe girls have yet learned to read minds, unfortunately.

In order to protect myself I have to constantly remind myself that love has gone and it is always me that ends up hurting. I don’t really want this to carry on and after so many years of this cycle I really want something better for myself.

Easier said than done I know.

Anyway this has passed and I would probably guess it has not even crossed his mind a second time.

I have an interesting month ahead me filled with hard tiring work and hopefully close to the end an amazing experience at the summer camp I will be doing. Looking forward to my weekends also!

I don’t believe I have said these out loud or written it enough times really but I so much want to be given the chance to learn more about this world and said that I state my current goals to be:

Achieving happiness everyday, being able to remember how grateful I am for all the people I have in my life and all the opportunities I have been provided with. I love with passion so I want to be loved back with passion.

Happiness, Love, Gratitude.

disapointed in me

I shouldn’t really be writing today, because the emotions are so strongly negative that by writing them down I can only make them even more concrete.

I feel so disappointed with myself, a bubble of anger and despair. I let myself seriously down and with the two exams that probably were the easiest out of the way, and the feelings that accompany from them… I am scared I still have two more to go. I don’t think its only the exams, or the pressure or the fact I did so badly up to now. Its also the feeling that if this is as hard already where is there room for improvement, when do things get easier? It is hard to accept being average in turns of work and studying, especially when there seems to be not much left in my life. No sense of security and a nest of conflicting emotions.

Last night I had really horrible dreams and was so concerned with you, I really had to find out even though a big part of me thought there is nothing left on your side that is got to do with me. You never really try that hard to question or prompt or figure what’s going on. I should have learned by now.

For all the possible guys out there, let me say something and see if I can explain myself properly. When you ask a girl how she is do not always expect a straightforward answer. Yes it is strange and confusing that sometimes we are not able to explicitly say what is on your mind or how we feel. But even is this seems really complex it is simple. If you care, ask again, ask what’s wrong. Nearly always, girls want to talk, they want to let something out, sometimes it takes a while but unless there is a definite “I don’t want to talk about it” don’t just figure because she changed the subject that there is no need or that she doesn't want to talk about it.

If this is not clear, let me see if I can make it clearer.

How you? He asks after she has already gone to speak to him.

Not to well, but anyway not going to bother you with stupid stuff. She replies.

How come? First attempt, and already sweet to have shown concern.

And how you doing, aren’t you supposed to be going out tonight? Trying to change the subject but still has already hinted that she doesn’t want to be a pain.

I will be going but later on. Now I am here. Right here is where it would be appropriate if there is some form of interest, concern, anything to ask what has happened or what is wrong.

How came plans changed? She asks because she actually wants to know and is interested.

Because bla bla bla… already forgotten what has been said behind and probably relieved there was no long let out.

Oh I see. And hoping maybe more demonstration of it being alright to annoy him.

Pause…

Pause… not really interested or just plain gone to carry on with his own things.

Hum trying to make small talk… she attempts but receives no answer.

Wonder if this demonstrates what I mean, maybe this isn’t typical of others girls and in that case I do apologise and acknowledge, which I actually already do, that I am the one that is screwed up.

Still,

Wonder why I still hope, wonder why I still confuse you with someone who cared.

Wish I had someone to hold me while I cry. Although I’ve been trying my best to hide.