...

- axas mm k és a unica k se atira a mim? (pena nao serem as k mais kero mas tb o k é k intresa, ñ tou para merdas complicadas, fdx ja me bastou uma x...)

- ñ, ñ penso isso. (se só tivesses olhos para mim ñ axas k eu estaria mais feliz...) Contudo va ñ precisas de me contar permenores dessas coisas... (tipo, yah ... keria mm saber merda, ñ é suposto afectar me, va deixa te de merdas...)

- sabes bem k ñ ligo, kero la saber. (xata caraças, sempre a mm conversa... onde será k vou hj... hum tenho k me despaxar...)

- dizes smp as mm coisas mas pronto vamos mudar de conversa. (bahhhh sim tu és diferente dos outros rapazes todos sim claro nao sentes nd pelas gajas tu és diferente ñ te babas por uma saia curtinha e umas boas pernas, sim tu ñ das trela a uma gaja td kida pa cima de ti, sim claro tu ñ és um gajo... odeio essas bocas de merda...)

- vais me dizer k contigo ninguem se mete... (o k intresa seker epah nem percebo o k é ela tem haver com as outras gajas... k seka... falta kt tempo, hum k mais tenho k fazer, hum tou pronto onde raio anda a boleia tou farto de esperar, farto desta conversa...)

- oh. (se tu entendesses k eu só keria era k fosses tu... lembra-te de kem és, lembra-te da tua posição nesta historia td, ñ és ninguem para mandar vir, va...)

- tenho k ir. (ja era sem tempo, va agora ñ me faças mais uma das tuas fitas insuportaveis sff pk nao tou com paciencia)

- esta bem. estuda. porta te bem. (porra, pk tens de ir tao cedo, mal falamos... fogo kem me derá ter tipo metade desta atenção, pk ñ pude fazer mais parte da tua vida, ser o teu melhor amigo... pk é tao dificil cd x k me dizes adeus... só spero k ñ faças merda, só spero k te esforçes e k consigas mm passar o ano, k raiva... cm eu te kero.)

...

English:)

Arrived and setteld:)
There ain't much I want to say about being here cause it's just the begining and the begining is easy:D

nice room and a very big new start to my life.

have to say though that in many ways i've already thought of you N.
Can't say a miss no one yet that much but can say i'm feeling something wierd towards him, can't explain that well but still to looked down.

Just saw a amazing film. Take the lead. Keria ve-lo inda kd estive ai mas acabei por ve-lo aki e bem mexeu comigo mas ja era de admirar se nao mexesse. aiiii N paixao... nunca nos faltou né:P

apetece me ter te aki pa te beijar.
apetece me ter te aki pa te confessar k no dia anterior enkanto estive na piscina e no jacuzzi estiveste sempre na minha mente.
apetece me ter te aki pk foste o único k ja amei e tenho saudades de ter akele alguem.

anyway.
new life right?
pelo menos sei k já nao te vou arrastar mais na minha merda.
pelo menos sei k if i can't let you go emotionaly now i'm forced to let you go fisicaly so you can defenitly move on, no more crap...
and that's good

univ cd x mais perto
me cd x mais afraid.

Can Love be Bad?

I can't take this anymore
I really hate loving him...

before when we were together no, I loved loving and being in Love with him, but now it's been to long, it's been far to long...
Do I really have to hurt for much longer?
Is this pain ever going to go away? I really need and answer, a answer I ain't going to get or maybe if I'm lucky i'll get far far one day but still till then... I'll carry on hurting.

it's not fair, I can only be paying for the pain I caused him
but i'm ridiculase, anyone would tell me.
maybe I have a problem... or maybe it's me that makes this pain go on, but if it is am I really so ... (can't find the word)... to the point to still hurt myself after so long.

Not being able to hold someone when we want to or wisper in there hear I Love You ... i can't take this no more.

Ok I remember why I want to run.

It's clear to me again my main reason.

I can't carry on Loving you N. It's killing me.

Been wondering how things going to be and maybe the fact I had one more day of illusion (one more moment where I could believe you loved me) ain't helping.
After I'm gonne I'm going to lose out in everything about you, your birthday, 21 your number, now my number... I wished for so long to be next to you during this... :(
The beginning of a new part in studies in your life (or at least I hope so cause I really hope you do everything to pass the 12...)
probably a new love and many many friends...
all of this
i'll not even be close of being a part.
fuck this.

but even if a stay...
who am I kidding...
back to the point of reminding myself:
we broke up and you ain't in love no more. I never deserved you. Never.

just want to sleep... just hope i'll stay out of my mind
i know it won't happen cause for three nights i can't rest...

Maybe Love can be Bad...
Love hurts
i'm tired of this pain.

I just want to come to peace with my feelings.
I loved you so I could have the oportunity to be complete.
You once loved me so I could learn about love.
This ended cause I ain't the one for you...
but one day
it's going to be alright...
one day

Yes,
Love
Love can be Bad.

Plan B - I don't hate you... lyrics

Every morning when I wake, every morning when I wake this is my life everyday this is my life everyday

Wake up in the morning notice something ain't right, coz although the sun is shinning there is no light, I open up my curtains wipe the sleep from my eyes to tired to realise I've lost my self for the day, thinking this sinking feeling will go away, as I set off on my track the little voice in my head says turn back, but when I want to turn back its too late, darkness surrounds me drowning me in sorrow, coz I know today will be no different from tomorrow, hope is quickly fading soon i'll be too far gone for saving my soul will go and leave my body hollow and still in the face of adversity I search for an inner strenth try and stand firm with both fists clenched but I can't find my heart its like the fucking things deserted me it used to be there this makes no sense, so I pray to God that i'm not even sure if I believe in, to help me in my hour of need and keep me breathing, I pray to this god that created a place called Eden, a paradise to put Adam and Eve in but I don't think he hears me speaking I'm starting to weaken, now I'm reaching for what's fake, poisoning my body to escape suddenly I'm overwhelmed with optimism my shoulders no longer feel the weight yeah like feels great but its fake

its fake coz i know the smile on my face is only there coz i'm too intoxicated to care that inside my soul I can't find no hope just a gaping whole where it used to be there, an amendable tear, that when i'm sober hurts more than I can bare, it just ain't fair and soon I'll be back in normality, when the poison wears off and my whole bodies aching from the pain of reality, the pain of reality starts to grab at me, love is a fallacy and I'm staring straight at death as it tries take another stab at me, I'm down on my knees and I'm begging, someone hear me please answer my questions, why is my life just a big deep depression, is this Gods way of teaching me a lesson, forgive me father for I have sinned this is my confession I do bad things and I don't know why I do them, I try to do good deeds but people see right through them, I cant get close to no one, coz they won't let me how can I feel like a man if they don't respect me, is that my heart? I feel starting to sink as the more I talk I'm starting to think that maybe I feel this way because of the mistakes I've made and it ain't got shit to do with no one else, I can only blame myself, its me who's bad for my health and only I can rectifly what is wrong in my life if only I trie a little bit harder, it all comes down to a choice what would I rather, stay how I am and watch the days get darker of forgive myself, get on with my life and not look back after.

second time round

i really hope this time everything goes right cause already i don't feel as confident as before...

two more days so let this go on, slowly but surely...

Now... only friday

I should be in england already but no...
i'm so stupid to the point that i don't even have words to explain how i feel.
right now i'm questening myself... in any way should i understand this irresponsability of mine?
fucked up. completly.

I haven't left and i already remember how it feels to want you and not have you... sent you a message explaning how this are going and the last one has obtained no answer, that is the usual you... this is what normaly happens... i wish for you and there is no sing or evidence of you anywhere near me.
I guess it is to remind me about the truth.
We ain't nothing no more. There ain't no love amie
don't kid yourself...

i hope in a few days i'm going to feel a little bit better.

i want to believe we'll be both happier.

My shit will came to an end and you'll be free again. I know things now inside you aren't that bright but i feel the light will soon be revealed and you'll shine again just like before.
I just can't keep hurting myself fighting in all the wrong ways for something i can't have... ain't your fault you don't love me like before and it's more than enough ... got to let you go.


i said goodbye and knowing it was our last kiss as "lovers" i really just want to try my best to find the strenth the will or whatever to one day if you want be just simply your friend.

ohh buns you have no idea how i love you...

now after all this, few hours to go and i realise I was stupid enough to leave my id card with sandra. from irland to portugal in less than hald a day... no way. question now?

how the fuck i'm i going to get out of this shit now?

i feel so damn crappy and there ain't nothing or noone close to grab me so i could just fucking cry myself to sleep...

last goodbye...

one day to go.
confused.
Hope it is the best for me...


To a new life, new beginning...

U'll end up happier than you think.

The Return of Super Man

... the return.

somehow at the end a question stays in my head...

is it possible to spend your whole life loving someone you can't be with?

...

I hope...

I hope it ain't possible to love someone and be in love with someone till the end, with whom that love can not be shared... not be loved by the one and trully only one that sparkes our heart...

I hate goodbyes

i don't want to cry. i try so hard. it ain't going to be easy cause certain people make me who i am.

so hard. so hard to let go.

said goodbye to i think everyone already that is important to me...
still haven't even told u. u probably know already but wasn't from me... still the time is coming and soon ...
i ain't gonna be nothing but really nothing more than a distante... if so... memory (this is if u want to remember us)...

so i remind myself...
fighting for a new beggining
fighting for the strenth to let u go, stop loving and wanting you so damn much (that it kills me to know you don't love me)
fighting to believe in me...

Tainted Love

Sometimes I feel I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
From the pain you drive in the heart of me
The love we share
Seems to go nowhere
And I've lost my light
For I toss and turn I can't sleep at night

Once I ran to you
Now I run from you
This tainted love ...

Know I know I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
You don't really want any more from me
To make things right
Need someone to hold you tight
(and one day i'll be strong enought to wish you the best love can give)

Once I ran to you
Now I run from you
This tainted love ...

Don't touch me please
I cannot stand the way you tease
I love you though you hurt me so
Now I'm going to pack my things and go

Marilyn Manson, ouvi a musica e pronto sei la.fikou.

start of the tears

I lot has been going on lately. Caminha, Benavente, now back here, one more week to go and a lot to do and organize.

Today i spent some time with Claudia, for so long I hadn't seen her and still she seems to pass the same vibe she always did. Always admired her i guess i always will.

I few tears were dropped when I was with sandra in benavente, as she left today to irland and the whole family knew that i was also going to leave soon. I didn't want to cry but i guess there is nothing to do, but let it out.

your on my mind every single day more and more and i can't wait to get out of there i don't want to see or hear a thing about you cause right now i can't take it. feeling so sad on this point cause maybe if things went the way i wanted them to and or loved survived we would still be together and i would feel complete. anyway.
Sandra told me that one of your best friends told her that even if you knew i was leaving it would make no difference at all... nothing i guess i don't know still hurts...

so i'm trying my best to remind myself.
Our love is over there ain't nothing left to hold and in no way i've been the right girl for you.

time

Lately it's been saying goodbye. I hate this. Wanted to leave and not say a word like nothing much is happening. Don't believe it will make much of a diference to any one, or course for my family... but friends just one or two I think will have a impact in there lives. Truthfully don't see it making a change in more than like i say one or too people's lifes.

It's a change in mine. I fear it. I fear it a lot, but still... maybe i really do need it.


Honestamente keria fugir de ti de tal forma k ñ ia dizer te nd, axo k mm assim ñ te vou dizer. fikei admirada com o teu "convite" pro cinema mas algo dentro de mim, tlz e o mais provavel é k só me tenhas falado em cinema pk da ultima x k tivemos juntos e eu estraguei o dia a discutir ctg, pedi te tanto para fazer parte da tua vida. este convite deve ser isso, deves estar a faze-lo mais por mim do k por outra coisa. E mm k uma grande parte de mim esteja contente... outra... pk nao respondeste a msg k mandei logo dois dias dps da discusão...? ou será k sabes k me vou embora? oh mesmo k saibas ñ fará diferença. O nosso amor ja morreu. e dentro de ti ja a mto mais tempo por isso é k sou tao dificil de lidar com. eu ate k percebo e sinto mto. Sinto mto ter sido tao xata e insuportavel durante tanto e tanto tempo.
ñ sei. ñ sei se te kero ver. keria ter fugido mas agora ja ñ sei o k fazer. Posso dizer k ñ, assim ñ te vejo mais e tlz seja mais facil. (se for ao cinema ñ serei especial N, serei kase k invisivel se ñ mm totalmente e axo k inda mais magoada e dificil isto td será para mim.) Agora contudo ñ sei se te devo dizer. ker dizer ñ kero k fikes xatiado ñ kero k fikes magoado ou penses k ñ és especial e k isto td, perder te mm por definitivo... (ja te perdi a mto tempo mas ñ estar seker no mm país k tu axo k é mm cair na realidade de uma forma mto mais brusca) ñ me esteja a custar. Por outro lado és uma grande razão da minha "fuga". Preciso de viver por mim e aceitar k já ñ sou a mm pessoa.
Já ñ sou a namorada do N.
simplesmente sou a amie... só k agora tenho k me redescobrir.
kem sou... ñ me lembro bem pk inda estas demasiado dentro de mim e sinto k grande parte de mim está em falta.

Odeio amar-te.

Ladies night out

Yesterday. Ladies night out. what started badly ended much much better:)
thanks girls for being a part of my life.

Happy birthday mom. I hope you had a enjoyable day and that in the end this year turns out to be everything you want and need to make you happy.