save

Arghhhh
People irritate me!!!

So horrible I know
But there are things I just don’t get.

I know what happens to us helps define who we are; our choices and the events that take place in our life builds us up to whom we are in our everyday. But also, we are who we choose to be! Or am I the only person that thinks this way?

I think maybe I’m just being silly, again…

Listening to S talk about her conversation with B and keeping in mind what B told me about how he felt for her… all this has hit me in a way I thought it would not. Never thought to have so much impact on me in this way…
Find myself wondering about love and you it feels when someone cares about us?

I have this faint memory that I struggle so hard to hold on to, that is my problem yeah? Holding on to a guy that doesn’t even want to feel no more…

So many years down the line and I still have so many fucking problems???
Why am I so damn strong in so many areas but this one? Why can’t I just take my heart out, rip it apart and live the rest of my life with no fucking desire to be wanted, really why?

Honestly there are so many mixed feeling inside me its unbelievable…

I question what is this stupid, ridiculous desire of wanting to help a guy that seems more fragile or lost in life? Is it a screwed genetic game we have to all pass through? I so much remember how N used to tick me cause I felt like I had saved a soul and my soul had learnt to love with the sweetest words and touches.

I can’t believe I fucking ruined this…

There is a difference between past and present and future right? I had a past I completely screwed… a part of me thinks the present is missing something… another can’t believe in a future… (not in regards to love no…)

The only positive thing I think is I am not blind no more for so long I believed one day I would get N to love me like before… people change, emotions die, I have seen the light on that now.

Things are alright and I can’t complain I feel I have grown inside and become stronger in certain ways. Want N close because that is a friend I want and need close to me. But got to remember not the same guy he was before.

Not my soul to save no longer….

great day

I had the perfect day,

I seriously am aware that i'm fucking strange but sometimes it is so easy to please me
i strive on a good laugh and good company
oh my god
yes

perfect
exam in the morning, open book. I was confident, i know I got two answers definitely wrong but still sure I have passed and that is all I need. Followed by a girly day in the park with yummy pizza and really interesting funny conversations. Sun shinning, a little to much for my skin, tomorrow I will feel the pain, but still worth the energizer. Followed by good conversation with Chris, who was kind enough to help me get a pair of glasses which in his words was like, get those they more you. So cool!
discovering we have this incredible selling point to add in your cvs: very skilled at shit-talking! OH YEAH BABY! lool
Then because I chat too muchh and to loud probably a sweet comment of good luck out of the bloom from some lady on the bus.
Company walking with a totally stranger but harm less teddy bear build (tall and big but that doesn't bite when not provoked kind of look!!) guy all the way home making an 30 m walk seem like 15 :)
Then to carry on perfecting, an hour and a half of silly nonsense conversation with my cousins, who actually seemed to be enjoying talking to me!!! Yeah!!!!!
Nice dinner, sweet response msg to my boring usual me!! (which I honestly was thinking was going to ignored so it was really cool not to have been ignored!!!)

Oh my God I am so happy right now.
I love this feeling, so now
of course just to make the perfect day close in the best tone possible
so really
fucking good music!!!

Thanks for everything today - - I just want to send this out to the Universe.

Dream

I am really looking forward to that day, last time I had seen you was so long ago that I really missed you, all of you, even the annoying parts; like your closed and bottled up way of seeing life, especially your life.
I am going to try my best to wear something you will like but also, nothing that kind of just, leads you to think you going to have me. not that easily. not that easily at least. I am going to be me, because although there is so much I don't like about me, I think it is just better to be who we are. Only way we can learn more about yourselves is if we don't hide. And though shit if you don't like me.
Then after we have spoken about all the nonsense possible I am going to nag. The most common attribute you probable give me. I am going to tell you that inside I am a fucking confused girl, especially when it comes to my emotions towards you.

- Oh please don't smoke while you with me, another thing. Or then, if you want to do. (Definitely going to use this to my advantage, nothing puts me off, you, than seeing and thinking of you smoking... haven't you heard that stuff kills you. Not to mention the most distgusting taste ever!)

So I want to try and explain and even though it isn't going to make sense, because you never think I make sense, I want you to listen to me. I may repeat myself, but yeah that is just how girls communicate, they talk over and over about the same things.

So, thing is I can't say exactly what I feel for you. For so long I have been trying to get over you, that trying not to want you sometimes just makes me want you more. Isn't that always the story?
But what I mean is, I know you will never give me what I really want. I really want to be loved by you just like before, I want to be appreciated and wanted just like before. I know I can't have that.

If it was up to me you would be my boy even if just for the period of time I was present, if it was up to my deepest wishes we would get together more often than once a week for a meaningless chat, I want to go out with you to parties, to the beach, with friends, I want to satisfy all my Freudian desires. I want to drive you crazy that when you go home at night you feel like texting me just to say: you're on my mind.

Oh my god I want you the whole of you, something I can honestly not remember how it feels no more.

But nothing of this is possible and that is why I struggle inside because see I try and look at you, yes hum, just a friend... but oh

not that easy oh no baby, not that easy.
You drive me crazy and I haven't found this connection, this desire with no one else so you are all I have to think of.

- Really Sorry about that, I really am. I honestly do want you to be happy, fall in love and have a healthy relationship.

I think that is what I want. A health relationship. But I still have to deal with the fact I can't get this from you.

OK OK you have heard this bullshit over and over I know, you getting impatient, nothing of this means anything to you...

which leads me to the only possible solution given the fact I don't think I can just fuck you with out saying I am making love to you. I can't detach emotion from you. I got to be nothing but a friend.

nothing but a friend between us leads to practically nothing cause we don't know how to be friends. And also cause I do honestly want more, i guess.

- Oh I am going in circles? Oh, but that is exactly the problem. I don't know! I don't know.

All I can do is dream that you come to me and say: Hey girl I want you. I will be around and I will show you I want you during the time you here and it is more than just that, I do make love to you.


....

relationships

Why is it that as adolescents we live our lives so much more intensely?
I’ve even heard that while we are younger our taste buds are more acute. I guess that makes sense because as we get older our vision and sound also begins to deteriorate. So are these things connected? Does this explain why as adolescents and young adults emotions are stronger and feelings have higher and more intense picks?

I am not sure of what I have believed, or what I believe right now, when it comes to relationships. One thing I am sure is that it is definitely a grey area, a very strongly grey area. Some way I have always wanted to believe that there is certainly someone out there for everyone, but I have also some how trusted that there is not just one perfect person. As I believe in souls I somehow have always thought that we can have connections with more than one soul and this for many reasons, to start with because there is just so much to learn. But I have always questioned how to be proper and correct with emotions when things get more complicated. How can we know who completes us in the levels we need to be able to maintain a healthy long lasting relationship? Feelings of love, lust, attraction, are concepts to me still so hard to define.

Today, sitting here in my chair, I know that my ideas have changed, that what I once believed has had bumps but I can not yet say exactly how I feel on these topics because honestly I have not lived nor experienced enough. The one relationship I have had has so intense, so passionate, so fresh, that kind of perfect first love. Learnt so much from it I guess but still can’t say I have the answers. Made so many mistakes so much I wish I could change but still so many things I can not say I understand perfectly. Before I gave into loving I was afraid of it but I learnt to be able to feel this emotion. I can’t say I perfectly understand it but looking back I can say I learnt to appreciate it, he taught me to just let go and slowly I feel more and more in love; Strange and complex emotion but so beautiful in its essence. Nowadays I am not afraid of love no more. My fear has changed. I think now I fear making mistakes and so not being loved. Yes. I fear I will never be loved again.
I know that we attract our fears and for this reason I know I should leave it alone and just try my best to demystify this feeling.

Sometimes people talk about meeting others and connection like it is the easiest thing ever, I don’t understand because although I think I make friends easily, I don’t think bonds are that easy to form. Relationships some times I see form so quickly and I find myself looking around and being surrounded by couples. Are they just luckier or have they been at the right place at the right time? Is there enough chance for everyone or does it depend upon ourselves?

Considering there are so many people out there, considering that people establish connections at different levels, considering that the human being is such a complex living mechanism I wonder if there will ever be answers to all the questions.

From what I have learnt from the adults around me relationships grow stronger and trust is something that builds with the years. People learn more and more about each other and begin to know more about themselves and the partner. This leads sometimes maybe, I am guessing, to less jealousy and maybe the possibility of understanding that one’s life does not depend on another person. Yes, maybe that is it; Confidence and trust. Our identity does not rely on the other person satisfying and completing us on every single level. Maybe later in life we are able to understand things better.

Confidence. That is another subject. I think that as we grow older we might become more comfortable with the people we are and maybe then start to like ourselves more. This is what I hope. Confidence with our personality and with the body in which we exist; two things I need to learn.

Ultimately my mind travels through questions that don’t have answers.

Finland

I had an opportunity of a life time, went to Finland for a week on a psychology congress; a whole week with people from all over Europe. It was amazing!

I can’t write down exactly what I feel because there is to much to say, but I have to say that this experience will definitely be one of those that I will never forget and that I will recall many times in different situations. During this week I learnt so much about psychology, about people and even about myself. I have always loved interacting and getting to know different people and there ways of life so having had this opportunity makes me so glad. It was amazing to make new friends and share ideas and opinions with people that live so far from me. At the end I was actually quite sad because there were a few people that I would so much like to strengthen a friendship with. I so much want to be able to participate in future congresses.

With all experiences there is always good and less good situations, it started with a less pleasant sleeping arrangement but after two days we are all so damn tired we don’t give a damn about that no more. The people of the organization were so lovely and sweet and tried so hard to help with everything, I really loved them. The combination of lectures with enjoyable social activities was excellent and was exactly what I needed. Oh yes how I love to party!!! Was so nice to get to dance and just let go, of course many thoughts tried to take me over but all together I made the most of it and enjoy the nights as fully possible!

This time I think the amount of ideas, thoughts and emotions in my head was so overwhelming I can’t describe nor write about it to describe how I fell so I will leave it. I loved it and I am feeling happy

living for today

Just watched spider man 3,
was a good movie.

Cried so much… (I’ve always been a baby)
There is one part that hit me and I just couldn’t control the tears.

I guess when it comes to recalling mistakes and the impact of these in our life, something inside just crumbles and my heart tightens up.
By now I would have tough I would be able to say I have forgiven myself but I will never loose the though of what could have been.


Anyway all I know is about my present and all I care about is not hurting myself or anyone else again.



So, living for today and tomorrow because I have an incredible week to be looking forward to

some people

Today I decided my day would be a nice one, I am so excited for Sunday that all I want is this week to go by quickly and smoothly. My heart pounds of enjoyment, expectations are high and that is why I try and bring myself back to reality once in a while.

Macdonald's. Normal day. Until...

a really sweet costumer comes along and tries to tip me and everything, so sweet the gesture. So damn different to the normal. Chatty and full of life something inside me says, she is exactly the person I would like to be. Strange but just the life that came right out her was amazing.

little things can make someone smile.

the rest of the day normal and nothing that huge for me to be writing but I though that I would just drop a few feelings, make them real and let them flow.

Can't wait for Sunday and tomorrow will be another great day as there are only 3 more days to go:)