Meatloaf!

With every attentive word and tear I let out. I loved it and I am thankful I got this opportunity.

disapointment

This is such a strange feeling, intrinsically hard to understand. My uncle says that when someone does not understand what we are saying or asking this is because we are not explaining yourself the best way. It is not their fault, it is ours. Some times I think this is true but others not so.
When it comes to relying on other people we are confronted with many situations. For some times I believe I might be asking too much and that is the reason I get hurt. Then also in the same breath I think I would not do certain things.

Last night I had the plan of going out dancing to let out the rush of emotion that flows inside me. The afternoon was interesting as I went to watch my brother break dance in a competition, this I really enjoyed and my two friends that came with me seemed to also. To the end of this afternoon, one of them said something that just broke me. I guess he did not realise as the words came out his mouth the profound implications they could have on my mind. I should be stronger, more realistic but hearing him comment on "n's" sex life... it was just such a pain. Did not need that. It is obvious and it has nothing to do with me so I don't want to know, hear or think about it. For god sake I have loved him for so many years, could they just give me a brake and realise how painful this is?

I am always expected to be alright and manage everything that it gets to a point it is just too much to swallow.

Five of us were going to the disco, two were coming later. I had already explained to one of the girls coming later that we were counting on her to get back home as in the morning on a Sunday it is very hard to get public transport, I has clear enough of the intention and she seemed to be fine with it. As we were dancing in the middle of the night, the dance music powered with every movement I took was blowing my worries while I was trying my best to let them out. Again expectations... the people around me seemed to have absolutely no respect, pushing and bumping in to me and my other friend. It gets to a point you can't move and that is something I just hate. Maybe my previous state of mind impacted but I was getting angry and even though the music was amazing it felt like things were not perfect. Then I received a message from the other girl saying she was not coming anymore. To start all I thought was... how expected! Then I clicked and remembered... how were we all getting back home now?
The rest of the night flow by as the disco was asked to close by police men standing outside next to a large vehicle. Something must have happened as it is not particularly common for a place like that to die at 4.30 in the morning. Even though it has been 3 hours of good soul refreshment it was still a pain and it spoiled the night. The three of us made our way the best we could. Got home earlier than I wanted, got to bed and slept.

In the light of a new day still feel sad. Still feel disappointed. Wonder why this is? Am I asking too much of my friends?

Maybe I am.
Still so much a need to learn about living.

“As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I take a look at my life and realize there's not much left
coz I've been blastin and laughin so long, that
even my mama thinks that my mind is gone ”

“Tell me why are we, so blind to see
That the one's we hurt, are you and me
been spending most their lives, living in the gangsta's paradise ”

“they say I gotta learn, but nobody's here to teach me
if they can't undersstand it, how can they reach me
I guess they can't, I guess they won't
I guess they front, that's why I know my life is out of luck, fool ”

“spending most our lives, living in the gangsta's paradise
Tell me why are we, so blind to see
That the one's we hurt, are you and me
Tell me why are we, so blind to see
That the one's we hurt, are you and me ”

--> Coolio.

[fade out]

I believe I should write about what I feel as there seems to be so much pain inside me. Can’t find the strength to talk about it nor the reason for going on about what is “history”. Feels like I have been “wasting” my heart on a non existent love for so long that my heart has shrank to a size non visible by eye. Feelings like regret and sorrow swallowing my soul inside me. Questions of why it needs to be so much harder for me than for him. Questions of why I can’t be like all the guys I know and just move on.
Is there a point in so many years of my life just been erased, just like that?

I just can’t.
I can’t breathe.

good days

Time has been passing along and I have been smiling, watching it go has been interesting. I have had such an amazing few days that my soul feels so alive. I know things aren't always like this and life is made of ups and downs, little bit of me is still so ansious because there is still much to happen.

Before I made my back to Portugal I finished my term time on a good note with the summer camp. It was so nice to be a young little girl. I got voted the most bubbly because it is so easy to smile to play to laugh and dance when you put your frame of mind into it. I so enjoyed the experience that I can definitly say I am grateful with much strength.
Followed by two days of excelente company with my best friends there. It was so nice to see that no matter where you go there are people that grow close to you, that want to see you well and care for you. I love them all to pieces!

Arrived to a sunny warm amazing country! Enjoyed my first days with a smile on my face. Had a few bits of conversation that remind me there is a lot of growing that will need to take place here, this time. I really want to try my best and be an adult and when I see him and his girlfriend all I aks for is to have the inner power to not break down right there and then. This time I have changed and no more stupid baby atitudes. I have grown and I must show it. I am not going to deny the effect it has on me, the closing of so many hopes, years of wishing. The end of so much loving needs to take place and this is maybe my first step, accepting.

Much still to came and many more laughes I believe are in store!

It is moments like this one, in front on my computer in my clean and tidy, beautiful room. Music playing as loud as I want it. Moments like this make me so happy and grateful.

My wish this summer is that the heartache be minimized with the love and joy my family and friends bring to me.