No one Knows...

... How tiring and hard it is to smile...

when I'm crying inside.

Constant Fight

I find it very interesting that feelings can be compared to the process of boiling water. I can understand what takes place inside me at times when I think of this image: the poring of water into the recipient, taking it to heat and then awaiting until it bubbles. I guess one thing that is nice to remember is that the water can cool down.

During the period when the water bubbles all I feel like doing is coming here and letting of stem. If this is not possible at the moment then time goes by and usually things calm down. Another thing I find interesting is how much I seem to learn during these processes of boiling my water. Curious in a horrible way I can add, is if I pay attention, I can even take the risk of saying that boiling water is cyclic.

Cycles; Amazing events really, that sometimes override any other force. The cycle of life, the cycle of emotion, thoughts and behaviour, the cycle of time and “sneakingly” the women’s hormonal cycle.

A cycle of seven days can be extremely painful. The fragility of people is so underestimated. Twenty four hours in the company of the faces of everyday can be so revealing and surprising. My ideas are so mixed up that sentences do not even came out.

- Constant fight with my mother around the concept of happiness as she believes I have lost mine: “You are depressed”. Am I?

How come this week was so hard? Why are these holidays so sad?

- Things have to be connected right? Finally accepting there is nothing to still hold on to and losing THE friend, going on a holiday during the “anti social” stage of my period, being surrounded with people that seem more intelligent and knowledgeable than me, spending a week with two girls that have perfect bodies, realising I might still not know if I have a passion, feeling insecure and being invisible.

- As a child my mother reminds me, I was strong, secure and happy.

Don’t like the me I see. Don’t like the mistakes that cost me half the person I was. Can’t forgive myself. Can’t change my exterior. Can’t change my interior. Hate that I am so demanding, that I am so needy, that I am so jealous that I am so insecure. Hate that I am this overall package.

Constant fight with myself.

Will this fight ever end?

Nothing left...

But Goodbye.

I am so sorry I was not able to be the girl you wanted and needed me to be. I am so sorry I took time to learn to Love. I am so sorry but I was blind.
"You will always be an important person in my life but I am not in love with you"...
This is the truth and I can't hide away from it no more because you already able to love someone else.

Goddbye my friend.

You killed my inside

I few days ago I shed a few tears when told an essential element would not be part of the puzzle. When it comes to things of the heart and it involves him, I loose any sort of perspective. My mind constantly fights between conflicting emotions and thoughts. I still can’t believe he will not be coming with us. I recall adoring him around his friends as he always seemed so much happier. I vaguely remember there was a strong group and I was part of it, today feeling less than a spectator of people’s lives. A big part of me thinks it could be for the best as I know deep down inside I don’t have the strength to deal with him. The other part cried and still seems to be dropping cold tears on my chest.

I few days ago I was torn in emotions. I really wish I was as strong as some people believe I am. Sometimes I feel I’m expected to stand up and smile when inside I’m crumbling down into pieces. I wish I could live up to the expectations and at the same time I wish I could be seen for who I feel, I really am. Conflicting thoughts, beliefs and desires; Representation of the mess inside.

Now I sit here in silence as the day before was unexpected. My mouth is closed as secrets lock inside me while my mind tries to balance suicidal energies. Things never seem to be simple and I am complex enough already. I always end up feeling I am being screwed with. Sad, tired and back to nowhere. Always back to nowhere. Always a pone in a game I don’t understand. Always an object torn up, over and over again. I want this pain to end because I’m sick of being an object.

People tend to always believe what they want as the force inside is always stronger than reason or clarity. It is easier to believe what suits us and therefore we live a blinded life. He believes things that makes it easier on him, or at least provides some reasoning in his also screwed up mind. It isn’t easy to hear someone else’s truth. It isn’t easy to hear something you don’t want to believe in. For years I have known the feeling to be gone and for years I hold on. So many mistakes numb me. So many errors took place that I erased what feels like so much of my life. It is so hard to hear I don’t love you. It is so convenient to say I never promised anything.

Sharing with you the trouble of confliction: pronouncing my soul and heart opposed to my anger and rejection and hearing nothing back when I express not being needed in your life… It’s so hard to hear, in your muted sound, the truth I don’t want to accept.

Express what I think has always been my belief; trouble is my mind does not rest. Voices inside call for so much to be said, but I always find myself quiet. It never seems like I have said everything I needed. It is frustrating to be so messed up that you can’t make up your mind on your feelings.

The very few times he has spoken I heard. I listen to him and the words play back endlessly. It hurts.

“My anger outweighs my remorse”.

Ringing now inside me.

I keep growing angrier. I keep growing more confused and contradicting. I keep growing lost. I keep growing sadder. I keep growing to feel disrespected and unimportant. If this ever growing poison is my love I wish this tree to die.

There was a time I believed my love was not strong enough, there was a time I could not forgive myself, this time seems distant as I slowly begin to realise you where the one that stopped loving.

You are the one that doesn’t love me, so why the hell you still screwing with my mind?