Constant Fight

I find it very interesting that feelings can be compared to the process of boiling water. I can understand what takes place inside me at times when I think of this image: the poring of water into the recipient, taking it to heat and then awaiting until it bubbles. I guess one thing that is nice to remember is that the water can cool down.

During the period when the water bubbles all I feel like doing is coming here and letting of stem. If this is not possible at the moment then time goes by and usually things calm down. Another thing I find interesting is how much I seem to learn during these processes of boiling my water. Curious in a horrible way I can add, is if I pay attention, I can even take the risk of saying that boiling water is cyclic.

Cycles; Amazing events really, that sometimes override any other force. The cycle of life, the cycle of emotion, thoughts and behaviour, the cycle of time and “sneakingly” the women’s hormonal cycle.

A cycle of seven days can be extremely painful. The fragility of people is so underestimated. Twenty four hours in the company of the faces of everyday can be so revealing and surprising. My ideas are so mixed up that sentences do not even came out.

- Constant fight with my mother around the concept of happiness as she believes I have lost mine: “You are depressed”. Am I?

How come this week was so hard? Why are these holidays so sad?

- Things have to be connected right? Finally accepting there is nothing to still hold on to and losing THE friend, going on a holiday during the “anti social” stage of my period, being surrounded with people that seem more intelligent and knowledgeable than me, spending a week with two girls that have perfect bodies, realising I might still not know if I have a passion, feeling insecure and being invisible.

- As a child my mother reminds me, I was strong, secure and happy.

Don’t like the me I see. Don’t like the mistakes that cost me half the person I was. Can’t forgive myself. Can’t change my exterior. Can’t change my interior. Hate that I am so demanding, that I am so needy, that I am so jealous that I am so insecure. Hate that I am this overall package.

Constant fight with myself.

Will this fight ever end?