Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Do you ever ask Yourself?

Was it worth it?

The pain you put me through, all in all, was it worth it? Was "it/her" what you were looking for?

I guess we/ I will never know / how things could have been.

Monday, June 08, 2009


[Heartless] ... wishing

There are so many things I have wished for during my life. Strangely enough I have wished to be more of an adult a few times, being more able to deal with my emotions, more able to deal with difficult situations, knowing what is the best actions to take, listening more to my head than my heart. Strangely enough I wish, again, to be able to have the strength to deal with him and his new her. I have wished before to be adult enough and deal with how things were, being able to be his friend. I have wished before to maintain that connection as he has been such an important person in my life. I have wished to be strong enough to be his friend. Tonight, though I wish to have the courage to keep my head high, even after he hurt me more than I believed it were possible to hurt. Again, I wish these tears to be the last I cry over him. I wish for the hate to go away. I wish I will finally be able to forgive myself. I wish for the hate to go away, and one day be able to remember the happiness I so firmly believed he gave me once. Strongly, I wish to be able to remember how much I have apologized and tried to make up for my mistakes. And also, I wish to have the spirit to overcome how I feel less than worthy as a person.

[Heartless] ... possible to hurt anymore?

For years you hurt me. I always thought you could not hurt me anymore than you had already.

I was wrong.

You hurt me more than I can actually physically, emotionally and psychologically take.
You have managed to erase what I considered the biggest mistake I have made up to today (hurting you years ago). You have managed a way of making me feel my biggest regret has changed.

I regret believing, what I understood your words to be, when you spoke of us again.

Because you have always told me that I believe what I want to, that I put words in your month, I will of course respect that it must have, once again, been a mistake of mine. I blew out of proportion the whole story. After all, you never said anything for me to actually think you were in love or loved me and wanted me back in your life.

I regret not having had the strength to have told you to "close the door" that night we argued on msn a while ago.

I regret not having been able to move on after all these years. Tonight I regret having loved you so much.

You have been able to cause me more pain than happiness, maybe I did the same to you. I guess, good for you for having had the strength to move on.Tonight I regret things so much as all I feel for you is down to hate. Some time ago you were my symbol of Love, what we had shared was my ideal. Two months ago you made me realize how strongly I still felt for you, how important you still were, how what we once had was my perfection, how I respected you and what you had given me, how I love you.

For years you hurt me. I always thought you could not hurt me anymore than you had already.

I was wrong.

[Heartless] ... Long story, made shorter:

Boy and Girl meet.
Girl young and silly. Boy sweet, funny, aggressive in that hot naughty dangerous way.
Girl and Boy get along, Girl likes Boy but doesn’t understand that feeling, Boy falls in love with Girl, Boy and Girl start something, Girl doesn’t make it easier, Boy fights for them.

Beautiful right?

Girl learns about love the hard and stupid way, mistake made, big mistake made. Girl really hurts Boy. Girl can’t cope with pain. Girl cheated on Boy as in: she got kissed by another friend on a drunken evening and then worse doesn’t tell him. Live and learn - lesson: Tell the truth no matter what? Boy hurt, can’t cope with pain.

Boy meets another girl. Girl doesn’t back down, doesn’t give him space. Boy confused. Boy gets physically involved again with Girl. Boy then cuts everything again with Girl and carries on whatever the fuck he had with the fucking other previous girl.

Wait, it gets better!

Boy cheats on girl with Girl. Funny? Not really, pathetic of Girl really.


Boy doesn’t love Girl. Girl can’t cope. Girl takes the opportunity as it arises and runs away. Far away.

Girl visits country on holidays. Every time round Boy and Girl get physically involved. Two years go by of this? Still Boy doesn’t love Girl. No. His words among other: Not in love with you.

Girl pushed constantly away. Fuckingly stupidly Girl never cuts the “relationship”. Girl torn between trying to move on and not understanding how his words can be different to his actions.

Boy has a fight on the internet with Girl. Girl sad. TWO WEEKS later Boy emails Girl. Boy with another girL. Girl is so fucking hurt. Girl is crushed. Girl can’t cope.
Girl gets sick when thinking about Boy with someone else.

Holiday time, Girl prays not to deal with Boy with girL. Stupidly Boy and Girl still meet. Boy and Girl friends? Boy cheats on girL.

Funny? Again? For fuck sake while I write this I see how pathetic Girl is.

Boy though, still doesn’t want or love Girl. Of course not.

Later Girl meets boY. boY is amazing. boY gives Girl hope. Girl so desperately wants to believe she can be special to someone. Girl isn’t as young anymore but still fucking stupid. boY likes Girl. boY and Girl begin a far away / holiday times special friendship. Girl doesn’t think how she might hurt boY.

Girl tells Boy she learning she likes boY. Boy says things like: you accuse me of moving on and now who is moving on? Added: Have a great life (ironic tone, of course). Followed by: apology for such an intense and horrible email… Girl fucking stupidly carries on attempting to bond with Boy. Maybe it is actually possible for Girl and Boy to be friends. Girl is not really letting go, is she?

People laugh… Girl seriously, after close to three years you still not letting go of someone that keeps telling you they not in love with you, that they don’t love you anymore? How many times must we tell you? Move on, people say.

Girl not on holiday, so far away. Boy one day decides he is not happy. Boy and Girl argue over internet. Boy says he wants to “close the door”. Girl is confused… was the friendship as it was at the time not working? Girl is so fucking stupid, gets upset, gets scared, doesn’t want to move on. Boy apologises for all the hurt. Girl cries, Girl actually believes Boy’s words. Girl believes his words to be real, true, genuine. Boy later on, in summary speaks: about strong feelings, wanting a second chance. Girl is so fucked up inside.

BUT hold on,

Wanting a chance when Girl gets back in the country of course!

Girl hurts boY. Girl holidays shortly. Girl tries to be as honest as she can with boY, boY such a good friend. Hurts Girl to hurt boY.
Girl meets up with Boy. Something still there? Girl believes things Boy says like: I want you in my life, You make me happy… Girl so fucking stupid. Girl believes maybe there is the possibility. Girl doesn’t want to jump into anything. Girl still acts with caution. Girl actually believes Boy. Boy speaks of always having had these feelings and never been able to deal with them not knowing how but wanting Girl. Girl leaves fucked up. Girl thinking… maybe when course is finished and Girl returns, Girl will be able to deal with all these things, feelings, broken wishes and hope for possible new beginnings.

Can this get any better? TWO MONTHS LATER:

Boy emails girl: “should have sent this email a few time ago, been thinking about us, we will always have a connection, HOWEVER, decision is made, I will let you go as I should had done it a long time ago. I think for the first time I realize that you or me won’t move on until we put a true ending to our relationship. I’m sorry for all the hardship that I made go through and the pain I caused. I only can hope that we can still be friends.”

Funny? Anyone feel sorry for Boy? Easy to fucking always apologise.

Girl hurt, Girl fucking upset. Girl so fucking angry for allowing herself to have felt again for Boy, for have thought about them again, for wondering if maybe there was a real honest chance of it working out between them in the near future. Girl replied to Boy with things like: “So I have not even returned yet and you telling me "let’s break" up? Man if there is another fucking girl just tell it to me straight ok. For a month or more you could have sent me an email asking how I am talking anything... being a friend. But did you? NO. Now to tell me that well actually, you know what, I have thought better and really my feelings are not that strong, that you can do. Right. To things like: Fine. I wish you were just fucking honest with me from the start instead of always playing with my feelings.”

So does everyone want to see Boy’s reply?

Boy replies a week later of course, because he is probably now busy fucking the new girL: “Yes I was stupid I made my decision some time ago, and yes I'm with somebody else. I should have told you on the first email. But no I didn't want to play with your feelings, it wasn't my intention. I'm sorry once again for messing up with u. Once again It wasn't my intention.”

Girl doesn’t know how to feel as inevitable girL can only be better than her. Girl has no one else to blame but herself because told you, over and over gain, Boy was only screwing her mind. Boy had only thought he wanted Girl when Girl found boY. Girl defended Boy over and over, Girl said no, Boy isn’t like that.

Boy understood in two months that Girl isn’t what he wants. Boy found another girL after telling Girl when and if she came back he wanted to see what they could have together. How could Girl have fucking believed Boy’s feelings were real? Or… then again, doesn’t Girl understand all the hurt Boy caused Girl can only be Girl’s fault?

How could Girl love Boy so much? Still, after so many years of pain, How? Why did Boy hurt Girl again, so fucking intensively?
It can’t be Boy’s fault he meet girL and fell in love… so it can only be stupid of Girl to be so angry, upset and hurt inside. Boy never promised Girl nothing. Girl has no right to be angry or sad.

-> It was never Boys intention.

Girl is fucked up inside. Girl thinks Boy was a fucking heartless bastard. Girl can’t feel anything but hate towards Boy. Girl can’t breath. Girl doesn’t respect herself. Girl is so fucking stupid, it hurts her inside.

-> Now, Girl is Heartless.

[Heartless] ... Subnicks

Something on the fucking lines of … “if only I had the words to let you know how much I want you”.

A few weeks ago, when I read his subnick, I though, wow beautiful actually, even to an extent, sweet.

Ha ha let’s all fucking laugh at me, cause I’m the fool…

not words for me. No. What the fuck, how could I even think it could have been for me?

After all it’s been two months. A new love has been found! This time I can not even say I hope it goes well, sorry but why should I even give a fuck?

I will never ever read another word you write. I’m fucking tired of having your words in my head, playing back over and over.

[Heartless] ...

So much pain in me. I do not know what to do, say or think. Want to cry. Want to write every single thing I feel, until my fingers bleed. Want to get you out me.

The following sequence of posts will be rude, horrible and shallowly low.

Let the process begin…

Wednesday, June 03, 2009


"How could you be so Heartless?"

She sat down,

on the floor,

the heat of the ground burning through her clothes and scratching her skin...

He just stood there.
Looking, passed, beyond her.

Heartless, she sat there in front of him with her heart in her hand, open chest.
A hole.

An empty space where "it"
once before.

Her heart in her hand, she sat there paralyzed and throw her heart towards him.
She sat there burning from the outside in, inside out
and throw her ripped, still pumping heart
towards him.

->Here you go!
You fucking crushed my heart so many times, might as well fucking smash it up
once and for all.
You fucking played with it so may times rather take it...

Fucking get through with it, for once and for all.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Classic_Fairy tales

Taylor Swift
Love Story

“We were both young when I first saw you
I close my eyes
And the flashback starts
I'm standing there
On a balcony in summer air

See the lights
See the party, the ball gowns
I see you make your way through the crowd
And say hello, little did I know

That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you please don't go, and I said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

So I sneak out to the garden to see you
We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew
So close your eyes
Escape this town for a little while

'Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
But you were everything to me
I was begging you please don't go and I said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel
This love is difficult, but it's real
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story baby just say yes
Oh oh

I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you is fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town, and I said

Romeo save me I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring

And said, marry me Juliet
You'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
It's a love story baby just say yes"

Question: Has anyone ever seen a Fairy?

Friday, May 22, 2009

Word for...

... a Person that has finished University but has still not had the Graduation Ceremony -> [Insert Here]

I should have googled it, but too lazy!

Many tears, lows and Highs. 3 Years. I did it (on my own. Sometimes I wish I had been able to have shared it more with the many I love).

I did it for me. Sense of achievement.

And so... my Conflict carries on...

Thursday, May 21, 2009



Today as I sit in my "working" chair I fully comprehend the "true" meaning of the word: Conflicted!

Today, as I will be sitting in a same what uncomfortable chair, in a cold and drafty hall with so many others, I will be sitting my last undergraduate academic exam. Three years of Education culminate today at exactly 2.30pm.

Conflicted: as I sit here and as I will be sitting later on, excited, a big part of me cries. I joy for accomplishing something so large on my own. I cry with fear of what awaits me.

Today I truly understand the meaning of Conflicted emotions. Officially graduation ceremonies are only in September, nevertheless today at precisely 4.30

I will scream out to this world: I made it. I am now a "Graduate".

Monday, May 18, 2009

Don’t pretend to care, she says crying. Looking towards him but somewhat through him she adds: Please. Don’t pretend to care when you don’t know how. It’s been nearly a month, time goes by somehow. Don’t say I crossed your mind it seems pointless right now. A few minutes of your day, how hard is it to say something, anything at all? Her eyes shining underneath the left-over light of day: I know it is my fault as much as it is my own problem when I still don’t seem to understand. You can’t care as you don’t know how. She looks deeply into his eyes and while he stands in silence she breaks down: I must surely let you go.