Thursday, September 28, 2006

I'd rather fight with you than make love to anyone else!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

twisted

I'm so sad, so fucked up and hurting so damn much.
So twisted inside.

I'm hating you so much at this point, why didn't we fight for us?
i made a mistake , oh my God i made a mistake.... but why?
why didn't u fight for me..
if u loved me so much N why didn't u fight for me?

i guess i was never anything u said i was.
i was really never good enough.

i'm so fucked up.
So twisted inside.

i've never been anything more than a pathetic dreamer, a stupid little girl what wishes to live in a teenager film where life is so easy no matter what bumps or ups and downs everything just seems to work out in the end...

i'm so fucked up and hurtins so damn much.
So twisted inside.

Why the fuck you doing with your life? Why didn't you want me in it? I really wasn't so worth it hey?

I'm nothing but a stupid pathetic child inside that still dreams of being safed.

Oh my God i'm so damn pathetic, but please tell me I didn't blow the only change for love I really had right?
Tell me it is possible for me to trust someone like I trusted N.
Tell me it is possible for me to believe in someone like i so damn believed every word N said.
Tell me it is possible for me to feel so comfortable and so damn good next to someone like when I was close to N.
Oh God tell me I'm going to get over him, forgive myself and just fucking let go of all this pain.

I'm really nothing but
a stupid pathetic child inside
that dreams of being safed...
like N once made me believe he would.

just letting go

While since i've been here many emotions have been felt but still i have not let go. or I've tried not to, doing my best to smile cause inside i am not unhappy and i'm still feeling positive and have faith that time will be my friend on this jorney.

but today... i'm letting go.
i'm so angry... i'm so sad and so damn hurt. N you haven't spoken to me for so long, you didn't say nothing but to my messages and that was so long ago, you haven't even taken a minute of your time to tell me how you are how things went.
all i can do is find out from others what is going in your life.
yes
i'm not part of it.
i don't want to be part of it cause boy how have no idea how it hurts. hurts so damn much this... this loving you... no matter what.

but what the fuck is going on with you...
A told me your name is in the nights list... ohh boy why?
why? did you prepare yourself, i can only feel sorry for you if you tried your best and honestly i man do i hope i'm so wrong... but i just think you didn't give a damn probable didn't even try... probable just sticked to your meaningless life with your "love", seams like P is the only person who respect or even have to for now...
not even B knows what going on with you...
what the hell is going on??
fuck it
don't talk to me
i was the bitch that made the mistake
but what about the rest of your friends???

ohhh God i just hope i'm wrong i can't stand to think the things i do.

do u know you are eveything i never wanted?
i was so afraid
so afraid of you
loving you
letting go
giving myself to you
but i did
i did
and today i hurt so damn much for all the mistakes i had.

i still remember everything, from the beggining to the end. Oh how i love you.

Just want to let go of all this guilt. just want to be free from all these thoughts.
wake up guy
pay attention to your life.
Baby, Bunny pleaseee ... before i would say do it for me but know all
i can
say
if i can say anything at all...
do it for yourself.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

"Women who love too much"

Reading the book...

"The choice is yours. ... you can change from a woman who loves someone else so much it hurts into a woman who loves herself enough to stop the pain."

i wish it were that easy...

"It is true for all of us that when an emotionally painful event occurs,
and we tell ourselves it is our fault, we are actually saying that we have control of it:
if we change, the pain will stop. This dynamic is behind much of the self blame in women
who love too much. By blaming ourselves, we hold on to the hope that we will be able to
figure out what we are doing wrong and correct it, thereby controlling the situation
and stopping the pain."


i'm not this kind of women ...
i can't be
i don't want to be...

i am not going to love again with so much of me cause i'm not going to lose
myself
again...
no more pain.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

2 a new begining

Big day tomorrow.

just want to find my way... some peace and try my best to get things right this time:)

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Congratulations

oh well, today the results came out.
parabéns a mim, entrei:)
entrei e ja nao estou ai.

(Parabéns a todos voces meus amigos k lutaram por isto.ainda bem k ficaste ai B eu sabia k ias conseguir, sabia:) )

feels so wierd and i guess it's natural to ask or wonder if i'm doing the right thing?
given there is no right or wrong, wonder if i'm going the best for me...

aiii cm gostava de ter a certeza das coisas k faço. se tivessemos certezas dos passos k damos as escuras. tlz seja o medo de frakasar, tlz sejam as saudades... tlz seja as duas coisas mto bem misturadas e embrulhadas dentro de mim.


aii tou com uma raiva dele. fdx custa dizer kkc. custa informar me... odeio isto. ñ kero preocupar me ctg pk tu ja nao mereces esta merda. pk eu ja nao mereço esta dor... pelo menos axo k ja ñ mereço sofrer mais por te amar tanto assim.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

just not my day

started out in a normal way, got out of bed, eat, watched tv.
then,
letter from the bank, insuficient details for further processing... what the fuck...
tipooooo duh preenchi toda a merda k me deram a preencher.

then, try and phone the student loan. wait, wait, wait. dps... de mto esperar. ah e tal o teu processo nao ta ca, nao temos aki nd....
fdxxx
nao me lixem

tou sem vontade nenhuma pa obstaculos pk ja estou suficientemente fraka...

em converssa com o M na net... tive com o n. inda bem pk sao amigos fx pa eles. pelo menos ele teve tempo pa estar com ele, dado k tempo pa me dizer seja k merda for nao tem....
tao e ele disse te alguma cena sobre a escola M?
hum kkc sobre nao conseguir akilo k keria...
tipo
yah ok o k é k isto ker dizer? os exames ja acabaram e ele nao passou? ou ele mm k passe ja nao se pode inscrever. epah eu sei k mas noticias nunca sao faceis de dar. mas fdx será k o gajo tem noção k tou preocupada com ele gostava de saber o k se passa, mm k seja mau, yah nao sou saber o k dizer nem nd do k disser vai importar mas yah....

fdx
hj é mm um dia pa eskecer.
nao intresa em k parte do mundo eu estou
mm assim tenho destes dias em k só me apetece desaparecer.
desapecer e tirar te da minha cabeça... eskecer td e nao me preocupar. eskecer td e nao ter k me preocupar com nd. mas nd mm.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

sleep in peace

"and sleep in peace when the day is done... that's what i mean..." my favourite part of the song, i'm feeling good - Michael Buble.

listening to the song now cause today i heard the original version with the family here in the house (aunt,uncle,cousions) and although very very good, powefull, this one... this one is mine, I found this one. I really enjoy his voice and hey just really like it...

silly thought today i didn't even sleep well, had a couple of nightmares and even after waking, tired so i tried to rest, i fell asleep and yet again had more nightmares over and over. stupid head that seems to hurt me on purpose. N with other girls, N turning his back on me, so much hate towards me, so little respect... N. since I've arrived his been stuck in my nights making me so damn sad in all my dreams.

i think i'm going to alow myself some tears...

maybe it hasn't even been so long since the last time we spoke but i still feel like you could just say hi or something... even sent you a message the other day and nothing.
the exams have started or are going to so i can imagine or at least i hope you busy studing and concentrated of the fact you really have to pass everything. so i'm been so selfish, you've always said that is what i am. and i am. selfish. so of course like always i'm being stupid. thinking of you so damn much, to damn much. when will this fucking pain be over...
maybe on monday or so, let some time pass since the other message, i'll send u another just to say i hope things are alright, cause don't want to be a nag and inside just really want you to know i'm "here" for you.
although... what difference does it make... probably none what so ever...


I can defenitly say, i am a fisical person. yes i admite it right here and right now, i love contact, feeling safe, feeling wanted, feeling loved.
it's so hard.
i see the girls with there mom and dad, and i can't help but feel this little jealousy. oh how i never thought this would be so hard.
yes i ain't stupid i knew it wouldn't be easy.
I so much want a hug from you mother. I so much want a hug from u N.
all i know is that when i get back in x-mas i'm going to drive all my friends and family crazy, asking for attention, love, and harm long hugs...

just want time to make things easier.

Monday, September 04, 2006

many thoughts

Today I went running. Got my mind prepared took my music and just let all that is in me come out, fly through the air and evaporate... just wish all my thoughts could follow this and leave me...

Pass through certain courners and can't keep from wondering how nice it would be to have you there with me, laying on the green green grass in the middle of nowhere, sitting under these big long tall elegante tree that offers shade, looking at the sheep and kissing in front the long stream of water that goes all along the enormous park i have, have all to myself, lonely... cause you can be here like i wish.

guess that was the hole perpuse. me letting you go... can't remember now where but heard today... my heart is just not ready to say goodbye... couldn't hold the tear and let it creap down my warm face making my hole body move in pain.
Woke up today and you where so but so in my mind, guess i'm still the same old girl, the silly girl that wants to feel loved and there is only one love i've ever known, only one that touched my soul... so maybe it is normal i dream about you
think naughty things and desire you so much
maybe
maybe it is normal...

maybe not
i guess i'm still this too fisical silly girl that dreams of this body she can't touch,
dreams of this lips se can't bite no more, dreams of all those things she can't do no more every time her soul cries out and she burns inside of passion. Still this girl that wantes her best friend back and that shoulder she always cried on, still that fucking girl that wants forgiveness and needs her love back...
a love
the only love that completed here.
miss you so damn much. miss us. miss your life together, the time at your house, the time at mine, your bed, your room, your things.
a love
a love i'll never ever get back.
a love i lost
for ever.

damn.