letting out

Letting out

Yes im going to allow myself to let out

Let myself cry

So much inside always building

Up

Letting out.

Im so far and still

So much time has passed

Why the fuck cant I still know

The best way to deal with you?

Why do you care about what people say? Why do you care about what they think?

Yes I say I don’t have anything to do with what you do, how can that in any way make you angry? Explain to me…

Cant you understand my reality has changed?

I was the one that fucked us up I get it and that is probably why it was fucking harder and still is fucking harder for me to let go… Yeah I get that you’ve stopped loving me a long time ago, but I… I have to still deal with pain. Remember pain?

So when I say I got nothing to do it is my reality, the reality I need to live with cause there is no fucking return…

I got nothing to do and if you’ve moved on you’ve moved on…

If you got another girl you got another girl

If you don’t yeah I still don’t have nothing at all to do with that

It don’t change my reality

Boy

It don’t change what I live in.

Get it

????

Why is it still fucking hard for me when we have any kind of argument?

Why can’t I just think of you like I think of the rest of my friends?

Why is it that what you think about me is still so important to me?

Don’t bring up S. That girl was bad news for me. So many lies and still today I don’t know the truth, but I know what I saw.

Yes I did see you with her once, her laying on your legs, you playing with her hair…

Oh my god it still hurts so much

And C

Yeah lets not even go their

That even hurts more

Still I had fucked things up so I had nothing to do

Nothing

Cant you understand that is my problem

I’ve not been part of your life for over 2 years, maybe more but you’ve been part of mine

Part of my soul

Can you understand that?

No

You cant you cant remember how it felt to love. Maybe it is my fault…

Still it’s my reality

You aren’t part of my life cause

I’m definitely not part of yours.

We don’t even know how to be friends

I don’t know how to be your friend, I always try to keep conversation going, still I feel myself drowing in silence…

What happened

Oh my god what happened

I lost my best friend

So long ago

Why is it so hard?

At least

Better

Why is it so hard for me????

Just can’t stand when you mad. Feel like ripping all and every single feeling I have

And had

For you

Out of me.

It would be so much easier if I didn’t’ care for you N.

I’m so sorry and everyday believe me

I’m so sorry for being the fucking girl I was to you.

Now the cute difference is you out having your daily coffee with your friends, chilling, smoking… probably just angry about someone speaking about you, angry that even though you don’t get involved with no girl there is talk about it, or maybe angry cause you actually aren’t with no girl and your friends is… At this stage sometimes I don’t know…

But here I am

Sad that I made you upset

How fucking ridiculous

Am I?

And then again

Who cares…

My reality is this,

I screwed the best relationship I can think possible, I hurt a guy that actually loved the shit I am, lost my best friend…

This is my reality.

Nothing I can do no more.

Different realities, i know my fault not yours...

still... remember different

I have to tell myself, I have to understand

I got nothing to do with you no more cause

see Buns I was forced to let you go... I'm forced to stop loving u

a little harder than your situation...

St. V

just saw this brilliant hurtful film.

The Last Kiss

i think, this is, the first year
after 4
that ...

i hope you happier now

cold

sad today.

got no good reason
like i never do

got to go sleep
fucked up ideas

missing people
yeah feels like part of me is missing that part that makes me me,
the laughter, the light spirit

i feel like that part of me is dead.

and i know im being stupid cause i know i am strong and there aint nothing at all i cant do cause i ve done so much already, proven so much already to myself
still at the same time im scared that i am pretending hiding the truth of myself
i am not strong i am weak
but i cant be cause i cant fall
there is no one to catch my fall
no one at all

when i do tell someone how i feel, when i do say i am weak
he doesnt even try and stay with me just a few more minutes just to talk a little bit more
but it is not his problem
nor is he the same person
aint the one that is going to catch my fall

that is what is changed
you dont know me anymore
is this a break through
have i understood why i cant love you anymore

you dont try and hold me up
and it is not your problem

so i cant. i cant be weak
i cant be soft

i need to be cold.
i need to be cold

i feel so so cold-
cause im strong and nothing is going to touch me ever again cause i will not hurt ever again.

i cant miss nothing
cant afford to...
not
not anymore.