You killed my inside

I few days ago I shed a few tears when told an essential element would not be part of the puzzle. When it comes to things of the heart and it involves him, I loose any sort of perspective. My mind constantly fights between conflicting emotions and thoughts. I still can’t believe he will not be coming with us. I recall adoring him around his friends as he always seemed so much happier. I vaguely remember there was a strong group and I was part of it, today feeling less than a spectator of people’s lives. A big part of me thinks it could be for the best as I know deep down inside I don’t have the strength to deal with him. The other part cried and still seems to be dropping cold tears on my chest.

I few days ago I was torn in emotions. I really wish I was as strong as some people believe I am. Sometimes I feel I’m expected to stand up and smile when inside I’m crumbling down into pieces. I wish I could live up to the expectations and at the same time I wish I could be seen for who I feel, I really am. Conflicting thoughts, beliefs and desires; Representation of the mess inside.

Now I sit here in silence as the day before was unexpected. My mouth is closed as secrets lock inside me while my mind tries to balance suicidal energies. Things never seem to be simple and I am complex enough already. I always end up feeling I am being screwed with. Sad, tired and back to nowhere. Always back to nowhere. Always a pone in a game I don’t understand. Always an object torn up, over and over again. I want this pain to end because I’m sick of being an object.

People tend to always believe what they want as the force inside is always stronger than reason or clarity. It is easier to believe what suits us and therefore we live a blinded life. He believes things that makes it easier on him, or at least provides some reasoning in his also screwed up mind. It isn’t easy to hear someone else’s truth. It isn’t easy to hear something you don’t want to believe in. For years I have known the feeling to be gone and for years I hold on. So many mistakes numb me. So many errors took place that I erased what feels like so much of my life. It is so hard to hear I don’t love you. It is so convenient to say I never promised anything.

Sharing with you the trouble of confliction: pronouncing my soul and heart opposed to my anger and rejection and hearing nothing back when I express not being needed in your life… It’s so hard to hear, in your muted sound, the truth I don’t want to accept.

Express what I think has always been my belief; trouble is my mind does not rest. Voices inside call for so much to be said, but I always find myself quiet. It never seems like I have said everything I needed. It is frustrating to be so messed up that you can’t make up your mind on your feelings.

The very few times he has spoken I heard. I listen to him and the words play back endlessly. It hurts.

“My anger outweighs my remorse”.

Ringing now inside me.

I keep growing angrier. I keep growing more confused and contradicting. I keep growing lost. I keep growing sadder. I keep growing to feel disrespected and unimportant. If this ever growing poison is my love I wish this tree to die.

There was a time I believed my love was not strong enough, there was a time I could not forgive myself, this time seems distant as I slowly begin to realise you where the one that stopped loving.

You are the one that doesn’t love me, so why the hell you still screwing with my mind?