The third of June 2008.

For six years I love you. Even though I knew there would soon come the day you would tell me you found someone else I never imagined the pain to be this big. The intensivity is something I can’t describe and I feel so stupid for feeling this way. After so much time knowing we weren’t an item, we where not in sync and that you didn’t love me anymore, there was still a string that held me to you. Broken. A few words of yours and I confront the over due fall into total emptiness.

Even though nothing has changed my world seems to have collapsed. So many pieces of me are just tangled in a not, a mess. My mind is in over drive and I wonder how I’m going to be able to work for eight hours tomorrow. So many thoughts so many ideas that I keep trying to block; I should be more rational I show not even feel this bad. I should have been prepared given the whole situation. For goodness sake you haven’t loved me for so much time why was I still holding on so strongly? Not even that is was that strongly because I have been able to make improvements but there was still something there. For me, there was still something there. Just two weekends age we had a fight that made me feel so horrible about myself, just about 10 days ago we argued cause I was not playing around like usual. Playing around something that had been going on and on for so long, something. To me this was something. My something seems to have been very nothing, I wish I could be able to understand this. Understand how some people are so different to others. I loved for so long and love so strong, and even though things were not smooth a long time ago due to my mistakes I tried for so long to remedy them, there is no remedy when things are just not meant to be. I have always been the girl that believed things happen for a reason, life takes it shape and form because we have some purpose and goals to achieve. We build our life everyday by following our emotions, the guidance to the right directions. We encounter places and people because they are our gifts and from this we learn.

I learned a lot. I learned to love. I love. I thought I was not capable of loving but I learned I am. My time to love you has ended. I just need to understand this. I just need to understand where I belong because I still wanted to belong to you.

I tried for such a long time to be your friend as I am extremely afraid of losing you. I tried in all different ways possible to keep some cord attached to you because I was so afraid of losing you. I’ve now lost you and I continue to be so afraid. I never thought you cared that much about if we spoke and I still don’t believe it makes that much difference. I was not your friend, you were mine. I was the one that needed you, wanted you, kept holding on to you and loved you so much. I am the one that needs to get over us, that needs to move one.

Just today I thought of you. You are usually always in my everyday, songs remind me of you. Places and memories flash back. Clothes I bought I wondered what you would think, how I looked I wondered what you would think, what I did I wondered what you would think. To be very honest when everyone accuses me of being holding on, I could understand but thought maybe was not that serious. Today, a few hours until now the amount of things that have passed through my mind demonstrate you are still so alive in me. It’s not fair.

I don’t think I can manage anything of you now. I don’t want to know about you. I am trying so hard not to question how long it has been going on, how she is, what she is like, what you have done together. I am trying so hard because a part of me is glad you have finally been true to yourself. For so long I knew you had more to give, I just always pathetically whished you would again one day want to give it to me.

I am trying to be grown up and trying to stop crying, trying to follow what is expected of me considering we have been broken up for more than 3 years. I am trying not to break down as if it were the first time my heart had been shattered by you. I will allow myself though to feel. To feel sad. To feel worthless. For a long time you haven’t loved me but I had hope there was something even if remotely. Broken. Was long time coming, and now its come.

It hurts so much when someone we love loves someone else.

It Hurts so much loosing you.