letting ... out

So now I sit here alone in my room, a big room today, a huge empty and dark room. It was so different to have you around and everyday started with a different sensation. I was able to laugh every single day. Every day I was able to have your hand or shoulder and that support is something I have in a sense done without. It is hard to know realise I am going to be alone again. It is like reality has hit me in the ass and things are going to have to return to what they were before. It just makes me think about my decision about what I believe to be important. It just hits so many triggers so many issues, so many insecurities. I wish I could say I am happy always but you coming and going is proof things are never that simple. My strength is constructed by myself during a session of weeks but then every time I get a change to feel how it is again, to enjoy the love of my friends, then I became weak. It demolishes the walls I seem to have to build.

It could be an accumulation of things that has lead to this out burst of emotions. To what extent isn’t it also just worries about uncertainty. Where will I be in three years time and who will be around me? Combining with the reality that a door I have wished to open is still closed? Will I ever be able to get the same opportunity and experience regression, will I be able to actually have a solid statement of experience, personal experience, to back my beliefs? Will there ever be the sense that my destiny is tracking in the right direction?

The hardest thing is to understand there may never be any answer to any question that I pose. The hardest thing might be to understand maybe I was not actually meant to go down certain paths. There might also be no way certain voids I have inside will be filled and maybe I just need to learn that this is exactly what is to be. Certain things have been done and choices have been made for better or worse, no return.