some days come harder...

bah pequeno desabafo:

It is so fucking frustrating, I have “n” online I mean added as a contact so I can see him, I think maybe it is better, because in a sense I need to deal with the fact that he may be in front of me but I don’t need him, don’t want him, he does not feel the same as I thought and I do not love him the same way because he is not the same person, things changed... I need to learn to deal. but seeing him makes it hard cause he changes his nick, he changes it quite often and I see that and I ask myself how hard can it be to say hello, how are u. ask if everything is alright. I got back to this country and he didn’t even ask me if I was alright. I spoke to him once about a film and he didn’t even seem to care because next time I went and spoke, he didn’t even have a memory of the message I had left him. So or he didn’t read it or he didn’t even care. This second time I spoke, I was on my way to bed when he actually responded so I didn’t speak much and left before he said goodnight. Then the next day went just to try and say hi speak a little bit better but he was going to shower. Told me, I said oki and after that he didn’t even talk again... so the three times something was said it was me.

What fucks me the most is I care for that fucking ass-whole when he couldn’t even fucking see what he had not that I am all that but… I would have given my world for that bastard. It is so sad the amount of hate I feel towards him.

Today I’m reminded of how I am such a horrible person as my mind fills through of thoughts.

I wish he could suffer, hurt as much as he has hurt me, feel the pain he has made me feel so many times, for so long. Love someone so sincerely and not be loved back, care for someone with so much passion and not be respected either. I wish he could hurt as I hurt.

Tonight he feels so died to me. I will allow a shed of one tear because I don’t even think I have been alive for him for already over a year.

I am so fucking annoyed for being such a rubbish person inside.