beginning
Although it is the end of January it feels only now my new year has began. I am back into England for around 6 full months and my life seems to have changed a lot this month. Travelled more than I usually do in such a short period of time. I special ocassion took me back to my "home" and I had, i can consider, an enjoyable b day. my 21st. so many years i waited for this, somehow i seemed to have imagined and created this sense of identity around this number. unfortunatly for me this imagined life was built around a joined sense of who i was. i loved him so much and wanted to reach this target in his arms. silly ideas of fullfilment. life changes. things happen and sometimes paths taken lead to different constructions of reality. today i sit in a different country, reached the target age and put and end to a non existing relationship just this month. a love that ended long ago for one and rested in my head. like a gost haunting me, you take my breath away. no more. i can't no more as i feel you drift away into a life you have built without me. no words or actions to let me know if there is anything left. no way for me to still hold on because you have clearly been able to say goodbye.
i new way of life with hard working months to come. several objectives to build upon, a new rise in determination. things need to be achieved in order for things to make some sense. i need to understand my life is what i have choosen and that although far from family and friends people's feelings true, true feelings of friendship don't die. Although i can't give all myself to everyone I love i can only ask for the ones that love me back to take what i can give to them, to hold it dear and make the most of it when i am in a giving mood. to those that dont recognise the intensity of my effort, the intensity of the concern, to those all i can say is i am sorry if they feel betraid. i can't do more than i do but i don't want to long for people who cant see me hurt. no more.
to a new life with no holding on to the past. i do not believe there will be no more doubts. i believe i believe in myself.
i new way of life with hard working months to come. several objectives to build upon, a new rise in determination. things need to be achieved in order for things to make some sense. i need to understand my life is what i have choosen and that although far from family and friends people's feelings true, true feelings of friendship don't die. Although i can't give all myself to everyone I love i can only ask for the ones that love me back to take what i can give to them, to hold it dear and make the most of it when i am in a giving mood. to those that dont recognise the intensity of my effort, the intensity of the concern, to those all i can say is i am sorry if they feel betraid. i can't do more than i do but i don't want to long for people who cant see me hurt. no more.
to a new life with no holding on to the past. i do not believe there will be no more doubts. i believe i believe in myself.
posted by Leila at 1:37 AM
2 Comments:
yesterday it felt horrible to see you leave..leave for 6 months and watch build a strenght from who know where to hold on to yourself during this period.21st birthday..all the ideas u had building up since you were younger changed,you din't ask to change but things happened and all you can do is accept it and move on..like i have to and don't..do.
I don't know if it is because we are growing with so much suffering around us but i'm glad we girls bonded again,"renewed the vows" lol..somehow i feel like it is stronger now what we all have together.i love u amie and u know u can count on me for everything,as we once told u,u are with us troughout tha all year.sometimes i don't have advices to give because i feel so lost but i will always hear u my friend.have the best beginning.*****
maybe the worst mistake we can do to ourselves is that sense of expectation about certain things. but maybe it is also inevitable for when we dream and seem to be living our dreams we want it to last and never expect to be a part of life's will for ever-mutability.
i see you no longer can call this place a home without using the " ". which gives me a kind of sad mood but i guess we are all, and most importantly, you are, learning where home can be.
decisions have to be made and strength has to be reached in order for us to move on and live. build new dreams, find new callings. whatever you decide for yourself i'll always believe it to be for your own benefit and therefore, always will support you.
i know it may seem, from where you are, that friends are far. but for me you never can be too far away. cause this thing one calls a bond, lives above distance and time. you are there, we are here and yet we are sharing the same place. cause we are travellers, sufferers, friends.
but i am sorry if i ever seemed distant or not there for you. cause i am. cheering you all the way. wanting you to be great (and you already are so much, you have no idea). isn't that what any mom wants for their daughter? sheer happiness, in whatever form you find it. :)
love u lots, honey * [ ]
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