New Year 08

I'm leaving "home" tomorrow, back to England for me again. Portugal still feels in a sense for like a home because my mom dad and brother happen to live here. This holiday so far has been the hardest as my emotions have been flowing and i've had to hide behind the usual mask of the perfect amie. This sense of being lost and alone with no place to call home. This feeling of not knowing if this was the best choice for me. This insecurity in myself. This lack of being able to imagine myself in the future, happy and fulfilled. I can't brake down. I have never truly been allowed. All these questions and these doubts crossed between my only certainty, that I’ve finally lost him. Maybe it was all an illusion for just such a long while. I should have dealt a long time ago. I should be able to talk to him normally. I should have been a normal person a grown up that deals… fuck it hurts so much because I’m nothing but a pathetic child. So hard to close a door that I’ve tried so damn hard to keep open. Like 6 whole years fighting for something I had already lost. Too many emotions. Too much to process. And even if I pretend to be alright I feel too tired to stand up straight. I know I have a better life than so many other people and still today I am grateful. All I want is to be the best person I can be, but I’ve been torn apart inside.