My New Year vote

Tonight, my friend, I made a mistake. Don’t believe joining your group for a coffee to have been that invasive but trying to get more of your time, this I know was wrong and selfish. I had managed to spend a few/many hours along your side and although through my eyes you seemed, lets say, not distant but bored; a side of me felt glad we had been together.
You have always known how I feel about you and even down these troubling years your company still lights my heart. But I don’t believe mine to have the same effect, and each day even less as I feel you drift away.
I have decided I need to understand my time has ended, reached that point that probably for you was comprehended a long while ago. I still see in you that man I want to hold and cherish and have for myself. Not able to separate my feelings and say I don’t get jealous I don’t get sad or even disappointed. Maybe forever you will have this impact. I just believe it is time for me to let go. As I write this it hurts because I feel split a huge part of me screaming why the hell… it ain’t necessary. You can handle it, you can be his “friend”. I am afraid… I know you, or at least I think, if I take a step back you take two and then what would I be to you? I don’t think I can be just another contact with whom you politely talk to on the base of how you doing and what the crap. The hell with that; but I know you don’t see me as the person I fucking wished you did for what feels like nearly all my life. My time has been and I failed at that. You hate talking about emotions you hate having the same fucking conversation. And I hate the girlfriend I was, the girl I am to you, all the worst of me comes out. I have been holding on to you N because I am so afraid I will never be loved, like I once believed you did. But I know deep down you don’t love me so all in all it is my problem, my cycle that I need to break. Sometimes, don’t even know if you can believe it, I think to myself that you and I would work because I try so hard to make you happy. But I know it is an illusion I built, maybe like the one were the other side of me believes I can settle with just being you “f”budy. I really try and convince myself and even if more of the time I am strong, still the moments when I am not seen to still persist. Therefore I should rationally be able, to admit I can’t fully deal with this shit. The though of never seeing you, or having you look at me smiling again kills me and sometimes, I so wish so hard, that after I messed up I had had moved on. I’ve grown, I have… I don’t believe the fantasy of us no more. You loving me again has been melted out slowly. Just find it extremely hard to fully say goodbye to admit that might be the only solution. To not be strong enough because I so want to be part of your life.
Oh N I wish it was easy, I wish I wasn’t this girl that ran, that asked you always for far too much, that seems to have been holding you back from who you truly was. Actually think I would give back what you taught me about love. In the chance of now being someone present, a real true friend. Not feeling this sense that when you with me, you doing it as a favour to me.
It makes no difference. Not any more.
Goodbye my friend.