New Year 08 cont.

This is not the way to start the year. I finally closed the little slit of that door I still tried my best to believe was open. I feel like crap because I would so much prefer to be able to deal. I wish I was a normal adult that can stand up tall and see how things are, put emotions to side and just have been able to be a friend. Why is it that I am still holding on to the past when he isn’t? Why is it that I am not able to process and be cool with everything like him? I hate that I was not able to maintain the slight friendship we might have been sharing. I always fuck everything when it comes to him, always did. Then ended a glorious day, with a family dinner with tears poring down everyone’s face. I feel sorry my dad is the way he is, so many times, I guess years of shit have got to him and now life has left him bitter and cold. I so much don’t want to be like that. I so fucking want to be happy. Worse argument in recent times, maybe the one thing I don’t miss about this “home”. My dad ended giving me money to actually catch a cab tomorrow. Yes, I am leaving tomorrow. Leaving back to England. There seems to be nothing inside me. No strength. No more. So much crap so many emotions to try and sort out but this agonising pain. I still love you so much you have no idea how hard it is to close this door. I wish maybe I had never opened it to start with because tonight I’m too weak to believe its best to have loved than never loved at all.