moving

As a sit here in front of the laptop, I breathe in this new air, this sense of relief. Exams finished yesterday and it was some of the hardest four continuing days. The pressure of exams is something that is far too hard to describe, especially because I knew I had been bad. I left it all for the last minute and ended up overloading my brain with information, information I can’t even remember very well now. That is the problem when we learn just for the sake of remembering for a test. I feel sorry for my head because these last weeks have been hard, my heart has been forgotten and my soul in some way just accepted the fait, so my mind was felt with processing. I don’t know how things are going to be this week coming. I feel like only now I can break down. Only now I can allow myself to feel the emotions that my mind has been repressing. But at the same time, I can’t afford it. There can not be any tears; there should be no more questions. My past has been cut. Or the idea of it needing to be cut has been “accepted” hum, no, has been admitted. That’s it, I have admitted to myself that I am holding on to nothing, and I am the only one holding on. Then my future, while these questions in a sense although they hurt as much as having to let go someone I love, they seem as no matter what, my fate has been written at least for four more years or so. But today I sit here, and I have a very long day ahead to go to the airport and make my way to Portugal (my home, I question it a little bit…). Sit here knowing I should be so happy, I have dreamt about this occasion for so many years, but now I feel it overloaded with negative emotions; wish I could be as excited as I have always dreamt to be.