effort
These past days I have kind of figured out a little about myself...
Been thinking about me, about me as a girlfriend; I have only had one serious relationship and it was a strong one, learnt how to love and loved with so much passion, made so many fucking mistakes, burnt myself over and over and in many senses still trying to let go.
But today this question ponders in the back of my mind…
When in love does effort come effortlessly?
Why is it that when people really like another they seem to compromise so much of themselves, or is this not true? This question rises in my mind because I have lately been finding out that my one only love seemed to have suffered so fucking much with me as a girlfriend. So many things it seems he did just to please me, just because I was a pain and so the sacrifice was made to keep me happy, or quiet at least.
Since I broke up with this guy my self confidence has become crap and honestly for many years I have been struggling, this last year I moved away from home, family and friends and have accomplished so much that I think if I really want to do something I just need to try. But… man, when it comes to love? What the fuck, I am defenitly in my circle of friends, the most fucked up girl, most complicated and questions have been blowing me away. I have never really understood how N could have loved me so intensely, there were poems, there were espontaneos gestures, there were trips to so many places I wanted, there was so much effort, there was another very important thing, there was concern and commitment, seemed like he know me better than I knew myself. So question? Will this ever happen again?
These past days I have heard this and that and I just think to myself, my god, am I so bad, so annoying, so demanding? Was I really that kind of girlfriend?
Feeling just quite like I don’t know, impossible to love, is exactly it.
Seems like there is a wave of love going around, maybe because the weather is getting warmer and so this time calls adventure, don’t know. Just lately I hear that this person is started a relationship with that person, people getting together, people getting back-together, people getting married, people desperately looking for someone special…
I feel so trapped in a circle of unsatisfaction, a circle where I feel I don’t even deserve anything at all.
I have been asking myself if I still love this guy that means so much of the world to me… but all my feelings are consumed with the fact that between us there is no future, no love in his eyes, no more effort, damn man no more commitment. I moved away so I could let this guy have a live right? So, what’s the point in holding on to something that doesn’t make me as happy as I was once was shown? That is the point?
Giving in to the softer and more pathetic side of me, where is the guy that wanted to hold my hand in the bad times also?
Are these questions coming to me due to this wave or is it because in England I had no time to ponder about shit?
Today looking at the beach, walks on the beach, romantic hugs, playfull time in the sea; today looking at a peacefull grean area, sitting under the tree in silence just hugging, today at the bar, going out clubbing, dancing, laughing, enjoying time alone, enjoying time with all our friends…
Am I still so naïve that I believe in this kind of relationship where one person completes the other and the days to be together are counted anxiously?
When in love does effort come effortlessly?
posted by Leila at 6:05 PM
1 Comments:
compromise. another word for it is commitment. it may be true we give up a lot of ourselves for the sake of the other person but i think you are using the wrong terms for this. just because he did things for you doesn't mean he suffered while doing them. that is so unfair for both of you. he did it because he loved you. you did things for him because you loved him too. wasn't it so? yes it was. it comes with the territory. with the job, if you will. you do things to make the other person happy, even if you wouldn't do them for yourself. that is why we have different tastes and we experience things together. he probably didn't like going to the beach as much as you did but he went. to be with you. and being there with you made things more pleasant. if he didn't love you he wouldn't do those things. he wasn't making them just to keep you quiet or whatever you called it. if he didn't want to put up with you he would simply end it, not going along to things in your company. seems to me it would be that way, at least.
about the rest...(this will go in parts lol)
we always feel like we are the most fucked-up person in a group. because our issues and problems concern only to us and we have to deal and live with them every day. others can know about them, comment on them and try to help however they can but at the end of the day, we fall asleep with those same issues by our side and the others can more easily sleep on it/them. so yeah sure you have issues of your own and they are in some way big ones. but that doesn't make you less lovable or interesting. it's you, in this moment. which has been going on for some years now but still...it will come a time where you'll make decisions for your own profit. where you will come through as a person who thinks of herself worthy of others' trust, love, companionship and care. where you will think sure i have problems but i have many good things as well. i matter. for everything.
you wonder where is N's commitment to you. the point is you can't expect him to be committed to you because the truth is you are not a couple right now. so he "commits" to getting involved with you when you two get together and he can talk and even care for you well being but he won't give more than that or at least not in the amount you want him to give you because he isn't "obliged" to that effort. and if he felt he could give you that, i think he would and then again, you would be something more than what you are right now. whatever you two have now doesn't change and shouldn't make you think less of what you had in the past. and shouldn't make you think that everything he did for you, even the poems and great moments you shared, he did out of "suffering" to "keep you quiet".
and another thing: you think (more) about these things now because you are closer. to him and to your hopes. while you were in england there was no way to be with him so you knew you couldn't expect much. but now you are here, with all the time in your hands and you know there is no major reason for him not to spend time with you. so when that happens you get frustrated. and another vicious circle begins.
i think i've said enough for today lol :$
big kiss baby * [ ] :)
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