strangely not myself
Last night we went all out cause of Aninhas birthday. enjoyed myself like I guess i always do but strangely i was not exactly myself. Stood outside of it for "many" whiles and just observed. Love seing the jumping the lights the perfect bodies so intunned in to the music and that can't seem to stop dancing.
got to say i was caught by surprise by a certain presence but got to say also that i loved to see you so "in love" aninhas and I really hope that you guys can resolve everthing and for once and for all just be happy together.
every where i see those tings i miss and seing you actually made me happier and sadder which made me feel stronger. All the other couples around me the touches and smiles i can't remember, the honest kisses those yes made me think about you so in all you where on my mind during the whole night. makes it harder to be me and just block everything else... maybe that and the rest of the feeling were the reason why i didn't exploded. Maybe in a couple of weeks or so, after the marks came out... or probably still even after that... then I hope i'll be able to let myself go.
Although you where on my mind and it touched me like I guess it always does seing around me that "love" i don't have... last night i actually smiled at it. Seems like I can't identify love no more and it look all like nothing that "belongs" to me, nothing i deserve. Like it is something I'm not going to have in my life cause deep down, how do i say, doesn't make part of the life i think i'm going to have. Since before I can remember i always said love wasn't for me and yesterday there was a couple, a small girl and taller young guy, they both danced like the world was theres and smilled at each other like they were sure.
looked at them and I can't say i even felt jealous. Strange.
Was happy for them. Happy that at that moment when i looked at them two, kissing both with there eyes closed, hugging and moving to the beat, I believed there is Love... even if not for me...
I remember the one time I can visualy see in my mind perfect and clear that we went out together and how much i enjoyed it cause it was everthing i most love in my life together, you and dancing to my music. These moments I know we will never have again... moments you would never ever give me again and this inside me proves that I can't love you for the rest of my life cause I ain't going to die no more inside.
We not right for each other cause when I finally learnt to be the one for you, when I learnt maybe the hardest way how to deal with love something i never wanted really for me, I lost you. It's the fact you don't need me, cause you can stay a whole week with out talking to me, it's the fact you don't care for my things cause you can't even ask you things went knowing how important the exams are for me, it's the fact that we don't share those little things in life like a night out, it's the fact you don't hold me in from of anyone else, it's the fact you've already told me we don't work... It's the fact you don't love me like i want to believe you once did. all these facts ... i really got to let go.
got to say i was caught by surprise by a certain presence but got to say also that i loved to see you so "in love" aninhas and I really hope that you guys can resolve everthing and for once and for all just be happy together.
every where i see those tings i miss and seing you actually made me happier and sadder which made me feel stronger. All the other couples around me the touches and smiles i can't remember, the honest kisses those yes made me think about you so in all you where on my mind during the whole night. makes it harder to be me and just block everything else... maybe that and the rest of the feeling were the reason why i didn't exploded. Maybe in a couple of weeks or so, after the marks came out... or probably still even after that... then I hope i'll be able to let myself go.
Although you where on my mind and it touched me like I guess it always does seing around me that "love" i don't have... last night i actually smiled at it. Seems like I can't identify love no more and it look all like nothing that "belongs" to me, nothing i deserve. Like it is something I'm not going to have in my life cause deep down, how do i say, doesn't make part of the life i think i'm going to have. Since before I can remember i always said love wasn't for me and yesterday there was a couple, a small girl and taller young guy, they both danced like the world was theres and smilled at each other like they were sure.
looked at them and I can't say i even felt jealous. Strange.
Was happy for them. Happy that at that moment when i looked at them two, kissing both with there eyes closed, hugging and moving to the beat, I believed there is Love... even if not for me...
I remember the one time I can visualy see in my mind perfect and clear that we went out together and how much i enjoyed it cause it was everthing i most love in my life together, you and dancing to my music. These moments I know we will never have again... moments you would never ever give me again and this inside me proves that I can't love you for the rest of my life cause I ain't going to die no more inside.
We not right for each other cause when I finally learnt to be the one for you, when I learnt maybe the hardest way how to deal with love something i never wanted really for me, I lost you. It's the fact you don't need me, cause you can stay a whole week with out talking to me, it's the fact you don't care for my things cause you can't even ask you things went knowing how important the exams are for me, it's the fact that we don't share those little things in life like a night out, it's the fact you don't hold me in from of anyone else, it's the fact you've already told me we don't work... It's the fact you don't love me like i want to believe you once did. all these facts ... i really got to let go.
posted by Leila at 2:35 PM
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