when is this going to end?

during the whole day i've been wondering about coming here.
there is a lot inside me waiting to came out.
but...
don't know.

anything for love. meat loaf. man this song. these words.
wonder how many people would really do anything for love?
anyone...?

there are some questions she askes...
"Will you hold me sacred? will you hold me tight?
Can you colorize my life, I’m so sick of black and white?
Will you cater to every fantasy I got?
Will ya hose me down with holy water, if I get too hot?"
and i ask... will there ever, in this life, be someone to answer my questions?
given my hope in ever being next to N has never ever been so ... small... i ask will there ever be anyone to complete me like he did?

today i watched that series on sic radical again, life as we know it... a vida cm ela é ou something like that. cried twice. just adored the small man, guiding council. smart very smart man.

It ain't easy. Ricky Fante'. It ain't easy when you on your own. Powerfull voice. Wise words.

Don't know how to start...
let's see, well the other day after the bio exam when i was speaking to my mother about it telling her how things went at the end she said something that made me think a little. She told me that Darling says that if anything goes wrong it is N fault. He probable hates him more than anyone else and i get it. but my sweet Doll it was my fault, i really actually wished you could meet him cause then you would understand why I love him so much. Unfortunatly my mother does not exactly know how much N still means to me and how much impact he was in my life, but know everything that goes wrong. everything that ever went wrong in my life was noones fault but mine. I'm the one that controles it so i can't blame no one but myself ... How I love you Darling how I miss you two. Incridble cause there are no words for how certain people are part of me. Part of my soul.

wicked game.

now thing is that remark made my brain wonder. and that night I realised how I changed. I can't recall the person I was but somewhere inside of me I know there were different pieces... my mom says i ain't the same it hurts to think that i've became a sadder, emptier person but sometimes it might be true.
Change is necessary. We all grow. althought i am still a child and compared to many women out there my age I'm still a kid, look like one, think like one, act like one. So many times... How many times haven't I felt "tharetend" when I know you N could have a woman and not a baby... Guess I still have to grow a lot.
But it is true I changed. You changed me.

First love?
many things to say about it right? anyone want to tell me anything?
seems like the first real heartache mutates inside of us.


Feel like talking to you N teeling you a couple of things that have been going on inside of me. But i don't.
Losing you is something I can't think of. Something I just really don't want but question in my head is to what point do i have you? If I have you at all...

Yesterday at my brother's "party"... I miss having someone to call my own, someone to ask along next to me. My brother and his friend had there special one's next to them during the day and it was not that easy but it was harder at the end when I started thinking about how things where. So many times I had you next to me so many things we spent together... You where part of my life part of my family... miss that. miss being something real. solid.

these feelings make me wonder if trying to keep you by "imposing" myself, is worth it? i always end up running after you cause the need of your touch, the need of your presence, the need of your attention makes me run. But... i feel sad cause i know i know n you don't really want me and you would never ever fight for me so i'm just kidding myself... everytime i get close to you now in my head the sentence... we don't work ... hits me and although all i want is to be happy be happy cause you are in front of me at that moment, i can't seem to grab the moment completly. and so i feel sad. hate this cause it is me i always fuck everything up with stupid thoughts.
want to enjoy when i can the friendship that is given to me. still...
why do i do this?
why can't a be a simple normal person...

i know that if i don't talk you won't.
i know that if i don't make no move you won't.

so i guess for now and for as long as i can i'll try and control any wish of talking to you, being with you.