Scared I have become a dissapointment.

I cry out for help. Tonight as I sit here I confess to the white sheet in front of my eyes that I need a place to die down. I inflicted pain once before on me and others, now it carries my soul. Instead of being a stranger knocking on my door once and a while it has become a guest in my heart. Although I understand the rules, even though I explain them over and over to my heart, mind and soul no one seems to take me seriously. I can’t afford to drown like I did before, I can’t afford to move out and allow pain to take over my inside. Voices screaming I should be stronger as I know that is what has always been expected. Recollection of stories about a person I was once before, always happy, strong and proud. Hate to be a disappointment to the ones I love. How did I become this grew inside? Where has the strength gone? Why am I not sure about me and my life anymore? Have I lost my directions, because all I seem to feel is lost? Did I kill the little girl inside that my mother loved so dear?

I cry out as it seems I am not being able to hold my head up, I miss being loved by my mom, by my closest friends and still I’m trying to accept my grandparents will not be on the other side of the door when I get home. I am a mess emotionally and find my mind trapping me. So many things could be said about what is going on inside so much pressure inflicted on me, too much this time. I confess it hurts to think I might not be what everyone expects or not hand out my heart when someone needs it.

I cry out and apologise, this time round, I might not smile as much.