myself and nobody else
I know it is bad I only use this Blog to came and speak bad, bad things about my day or bad feelings that take over me. But honestly I am not a depressed stupid girl that can’t live on day with out complaining. No. I have more good days than bad and that is why I consider myself such a lucky person. I am so grateful for everything I have, for the people that love me and for all the opportunities I have in my life.
But on the bad tone…
Today is just one of those days that I can’t say I am feeling happy, there is a little feeling inside just scratching the surface and so before I try and block what I feel and just feed it with what it needs to grow I’ll speak my mind… release it, no more scratching.
Today I felt tired and definitely not in the mood to shelve books, but went anyway and did my job. Of course today there were like an abnormal number of books to be shelved, always like this when I least want to work the more I get. Anyway got nearly all the books in the right place, frustrated but did well. While I was there this guy from my class came and chatted to me about the holiday, don’t particularly like his guy but anyway, normal meaning less conversation… but he asked me if I had gone anywhere special or gone to any cool parties or something… Party? What is that? I don’t remember or recall that word as part of my life… what socializing with friends? How does that work? Friends? Hum… can’t remember how that actually feels. Three whole weeks off on holiday and all I have done is work…
No I’m not complaining it is my choice, only me to blame… I do what I do because I choose to. Still… need to get home (back to Portugal home to mom and dad brother dogs and hopefully some people that enjoy my company) cause at times like these I wonder how it feels to be genuinely happy.
Then… because this is the mood I am drawing for myself I begin to sink in the mud of my thoughts… so two thinks come to mind, strange.
First… it is funny but I haven’t actually spoken about this to no one and don’t think I will but I begin to think about family and support and then how sometimes I feel I am not getting the same effort from the family that they would give to each other, the things I have already felt and let out… but… I have always thought that in my family my grandmother Cassie (one of the loves of my life, for sure!) is an angel, I am as sure as I breath that she is a spirit with more lives on it than the rest of the ones I know, and myself… she is an inspiration to everyone. I have also always felt my oldest cousin to be this person girl and also looked up to her, so many times I told my mom and grandparents how I whished to be more like her, more perfect, sweeter, innocent and all the things that a person as I saw her had. The two people I have always said I would like to be like them. No doubt, Cassie I will forever look up to you and I just hope you take more care for yourself. Please take! …
Now my cousin, I have been living here for at least 6 months now and the picture I had in so many ways has changed… but this small part of me questions if I am being horrible? Maybe I am. What is the issue? I know I am jealous about a lot of things surrounding her, because she has always been just so perfect… and me? :S a screw up. But now I’m here I see her, live with her… although I am many times not the person I would like to be and so many things … like I said, a screw up… still don’t think no more I want to be her. Sometimes we don’t have the right picture about people.
So picture about people brings me to another thought. Alright so like a week ago N and I had the little discussion and set out that we would try and be friends and so considering how I feel best would be to minimize contact and restrict the relationship to chat buddies or whatever… because I have been in love with this guy for so long and for like 2 years or more I’ve been living in this fantasy idea that we would get back together after the shit mistake I made… yeah I opened my eyes, alright so cause he is important the minimum would be to keep contact… I have struggled so much already cause he is so important and in no way a present part of my life.
Today I can say losing you N as a friends hurts even more than losing you as my love.
But so tired of hurting crying and caring… today I was actually thinking the last time we “spoke” was when I sent you and e mail and a text message saying I wasn’t doing so well. A week ago. Yeah no reply since. I don’t care how busy someone can be can’t take more than a few seconds to fucking reply to a text. All during the week I felt like talking to him cause when ever I am feeling a little down I have this tendency to want him around, he used to fix my problems and make me feel strong, beautiful and confident, everything a friend and particularly and excellent boy friend is capable to do with ease. But now… I can’t turn to him no more. For a long time now I have felt no real care unless of course I’m in his face at the time. And see I believe friends really feel for others, want to help and worry about them. I know I worry about you and still feel so guilty for have hurting you… but today I feel like just saying I can’t believe no more that I am important to you N cause if I was wouldn’t there be some more concern from your behalf? I’m not asking for boyfriend attention just asking for some words of comfort… no. I was maybe important. But I guess things change. But it is alright. See I am learning to rely on myself.
At least I am fucking trying because there is no one else but ourselves to rely on. And I know I will never let myself feel like I did with you. I put myself in your hands and even today I can feel you drop me to the floor. This is my fault because I know I must not depend on you. After all this time think I would know by now not to turn to you when I am down because I know you never try and help.
A week has passed and the problem of my overload is, I think weakening, at least I hope.
Anyway, three more weeks until Finland so I will put on a smile. Next month if N actually does come and talk I shall do my best to pretend it doesn’t hurt me the fucking situation. All I can do is rely on myself.
Rely on myself, so I tell myself, yes!
You are, you are as strong as you need and want to be.
But on the bad tone…
Today is just one of those days that I can’t say I am feeling happy, there is a little feeling inside just scratching the surface and so before I try and block what I feel and just feed it with what it needs to grow I’ll speak my mind… release it, no more scratching.
Today I felt tired and definitely not in the mood to shelve books, but went anyway and did my job. Of course today there were like an abnormal number of books to be shelved, always like this when I least want to work the more I get. Anyway got nearly all the books in the right place, frustrated but did well. While I was there this guy from my class came and chatted to me about the holiday, don’t particularly like his guy but anyway, normal meaning less conversation… but he asked me if I had gone anywhere special or gone to any cool parties or something… Party? What is that? I don’t remember or recall that word as part of my life… what socializing with friends? How does that work? Friends? Hum… can’t remember how that actually feels. Three whole weeks off on holiday and all I have done is work…
No I’m not complaining it is my choice, only me to blame… I do what I do because I choose to. Still… need to get home (back to Portugal home to mom and dad brother dogs and hopefully some people that enjoy my company) cause at times like these I wonder how it feels to be genuinely happy.
Then… because this is the mood I am drawing for myself I begin to sink in the mud of my thoughts… so two thinks come to mind, strange.
First… it is funny but I haven’t actually spoken about this to no one and don’t think I will but I begin to think about family and support and then how sometimes I feel I am not getting the same effort from the family that they would give to each other, the things I have already felt and let out… but… I have always thought that in my family my grandmother Cassie (one of the loves of my life, for sure!) is an angel, I am as sure as I breath that she is a spirit with more lives on it than the rest of the ones I know, and myself… she is an inspiration to everyone. I have also always felt my oldest cousin to be this person girl and also looked up to her, so many times I told my mom and grandparents how I whished to be more like her, more perfect, sweeter, innocent and all the things that a person as I saw her had. The two people I have always said I would like to be like them. No doubt, Cassie I will forever look up to you and I just hope you take more care for yourself. Please take! …
Now my cousin, I have been living here for at least 6 months now and the picture I had in so many ways has changed… but this small part of me questions if I am being horrible? Maybe I am. What is the issue? I know I am jealous about a lot of things surrounding her, because she has always been just so perfect… and me? :S a screw up. But now I’m here I see her, live with her… although I am many times not the person I would like to be and so many things … like I said, a screw up… still don’t think no more I want to be her. Sometimes we don’t have the right picture about people.
So picture about people brings me to another thought. Alright so like a week ago N and I had the little discussion and set out that we would try and be friends and so considering how I feel best would be to minimize contact and restrict the relationship to chat buddies or whatever… because I have been in love with this guy for so long and for like 2 years or more I’ve been living in this fantasy idea that we would get back together after the shit mistake I made… yeah I opened my eyes, alright so cause he is important the minimum would be to keep contact… I have struggled so much already cause he is so important and in no way a present part of my life.
Today I can say losing you N as a friends hurts even more than losing you as my love.
But so tired of hurting crying and caring… today I was actually thinking the last time we “spoke” was when I sent you and e mail and a text message saying I wasn’t doing so well. A week ago. Yeah no reply since. I don’t care how busy someone can be can’t take more than a few seconds to fucking reply to a text. All during the week I felt like talking to him cause when ever I am feeling a little down I have this tendency to want him around, he used to fix my problems and make me feel strong, beautiful and confident, everything a friend and particularly and excellent boy friend is capable to do with ease. But now… I can’t turn to him no more. For a long time now I have felt no real care unless of course I’m in his face at the time. And see I believe friends really feel for others, want to help and worry about them. I know I worry about you and still feel so guilty for have hurting you… but today I feel like just saying I can’t believe no more that I am important to you N cause if I was wouldn’t there be some more concern from your behalf? I’m not asking for boyfriend attention just asking for some words of comfort… no. I was maybe important. But I guess things change. But it is alright. See I am learning to rely on myself.
At least I am fucking trying because there is no one else but ourselves to rely on. And I know I will never let myself feel like I did with you. I put myself in your hands and even today I can feel you drop me to the floor. This is my fault because I know I must not depend on you. After all this time think I would know by now not to turn to you when I am down because I know you never try and help.
A week has passed and the problem of my overload is, I think weakening, at least I hope.
Anyway, three more weeks until Finland so I will put on a smile. Next month if N actually does come and talk I shall do my best to pretend it doesn’t hurt me the fucking situation. All I can do is rely on myself.
Rely on myself, so I tell myself, yes!
You are, you are as strong as you need and want to be.
Labels: alone
posted by Leila at 4:00 PM
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