Thoughts

Today my day was long, so it seems that all I did was think, and re-think. Amazingly, found myself discovering little things, wondering about insignificant questions about so many subjects. It seems my mind was all over and I think that might explain why I will so tired.

Feel a need inside of writing some things down but once again, when confronted with the actual act I feel nothing is that relevant. Some of the thoughts have completely vanished but I really think that at the time they were, at the least, interesting. :P

I have to admit I am feeling quite overwhelmed.
Today is only my second day and I feel as if there is too much to do and to little time. I already know I need to prepare an individual presentation, an essay and a lab report.
I have to also say that I am feeling really sad because the idea of staying in Portugal for my birthday seems so impossible. Not seems, I am actually already sure it will not be possible. I have exams and this year is to important, exams are something I can not go around. I am still trying to stay positive, maybe I could go for Christmas come back, do the exams, give in the hand work, and finally go back even if just for a couple of days… this does sounds to me a little complicated when looking at my financial situation. Which in turn brings me to another fact: I feel I also have so much to do, although I am only working one day at MacDonalds, that occupies one whole day, Wednesday; then on Saturday I have the library work. I am confident about my skills that I know, but I can’t afford to “overdue” myself. So this makes me think I really, really need the money and so I have to able to juggle everything. Damn, yes I can not forget, also I have become a Student Ambassador. This commitment is softer in some way because I can help out only when I have time; though I do not want to be one of those people that join and then hardly do anything, not my style. As for volunteering this year, that seems too difficult, for example, to continue with Pyramid, makes me sad but I really have no time. Went in to the office today to tell the leaders that for now, please only inform me about really small one time things. I do hope to repeat helping the older people shopping for Christmas.

I just remembered a small thing that crossed in my mind on the bus. Today we did a personality test, Eysenk’s personality test, measuring the three dimensions he so much believed in. we just looked at extraversion and introversion. I learnt nothing new with this test, while kind of… I was clearly and extravert.

This to me isn’t that new.
I know I am more than anything else, a people Person.
I love it, I love my friends, I live for them as much as I live for myself. And just to be clear I include my family in my friends group so when I say I love them, I love so many of them with all my heart.

But I realised that even being a sociable person, enjoying making friends, being alive and happy, there were two questions on which my answer changed. In the bus for some reason, maybe because of the book I am reading and enjoying so much, something triggered. I found myself realizing that when it comes to me, I am confident, yes, until a certain point.
There is something in me, that when it comes directly to feeling worth something for others, my confidence decreases. So much.
Although I know a very good reason for this, the only big mistake until today of which I am 100% sure I was in the wrong…
Will this change? I consider that I should be able to analyse this and understand it so then maybe arrange forms to change this behaviour towards myself, this inner talk to myself. I know that when it comes to certain people I feel as small as an ant. I know that when it comes to certain people I feel I should keep quiet because anything I say will be ridiculous and stupid. For some reason my paranoia about not feeling my age enters here… I can’t imagine people a little older than me finding any interest in my person and so when dealing this certain people I have always felt so uneasy. But when it comes to older, older people, or even people that do not mean anything to me, strangers, my confidence raises. I could easily approach people on the street. I wonder if any of this is explainable… I am guessing it is.
If maybe I wrote down a list of people, that make me feel small, I would be able to understand why they make me feel this way.

Also today I realised psychology, wau… Incredible, so much to say around it, so many things sparkle an interest in me. I feel though there is no time or opportunity to explore all the things, in just one lecture I felt that there were so many things I wanted to know, and the more the lecturer spoke the faster I forgot the list of things.

I am feeling a little less heavy. There is still one thing in my mind which I had thought already yesterday I needed to blog about. I’ll give it another day; this post is already big enough.

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