doubting what i once believed
just another one of those days i guess...
lately i end up thinking that i'm always down, and when my mother points out or when someone lookes at me with that expression like yeh girl why you always sad... I don't chose to be. and i've been trying quite hard to smile lately at least here at home.
Just there are days that no matter how hard i try, there ain't nothing at all to smile about.
Today so many different things have come to my mind.
Listening to songs that I know hurt me. Babyface - what if.
yeah I don't believe in what if's no more... feel like there is nothing left for me. no hope. at least there is no more lies, no more dreaming about things that ain't going to come try.
Told him today i wanted to keep the kiss on my forhead. "Prefiro ficar com o mimo, Se é k seja um mimo".
Wonder if it made any difference at all to him. Later saw him with the people of the night. So I left straight to come home. More and more feel like I'm no one. No one to him.
I actually spoke to B today about a couple of things that have been going on. Spoke a lot, lots said. He kind of gave me his point of view on how N felt. Man it is so hard to hear anyone tell me the things inside I know are true. "matar as saudades do sentimento, da vontade..." I wish it had really been true, that all the things he told me, I really wish ... it makes no difference, no fucking difference.
Just don't know what to do with myself. - flipside, missing you. Just some weeks ago I told you that and there was no reply. Like I see your life has been rolling perfectly and I'm going nuts.
Tired of dreaming of him. Today when i was studying i read some things that made me think. Existem mecanismos de defesa do ego. Recalcamento - o material contudo tende a vir ao de cima de formas diferentes em sonhos e actos falhados por ex. Makes me wonder. Tired of trying to fight against the feelings I have. I got to fight against the fact I miss you and even though you make me feel so bad, so small, so shitty I want you so much.
what is wrong with me?
This is the most complicated feelings I've ever felt. So many emotions roll within me I can't seem to control them not even to understand them. Is that the one thing that makes love so fucking worthless so fucking stupid, ridicalous?
I got to move on. I got to move on. I want him so damn much...
fucked up inside.
I've been like this for so long
been like this for so damn long i'm so tired.
but N ain't the biggest problem right now in my life.
I feel so wothless so ugly so damn ugly lately. maybe it is everthing together or maybe it is just cause i've never been normal.
asking myself lately if I really am alright?
feel like such a bad person that even my dreames seem to out of focus.
Everyday I found out about another person that wantes to be a psychologist. No one is like me. Sian my cousin she is myabe one of the best people I've ever meet. Pure inside and so damn true, a real nice person. I can see her helping, being a friend being that one person who can make a difference. Today a girl of on of my classes also said she is thinking about psychology and again I look at that girl and wonder...
I've never actually known what I wanted to be. Never saw myself in anything and still today I feel like that stupid small girl that will never grow up. I feel small and far to nothing compared to everyone else. is it normal?
Are my feelings normal?
Studying for the second time to follow a path that everyday I feel I don't deserve. I don't feel like I would ever be a good psychologist. I've never told no one but I probably wish more than anything else that I could never ever grow up. I'm so scared. I'm so afraid of failing.
Feel Like i've always let everyone down and even though I would like to be a grown up beautiful girl so that you N would look at me twice and think that maybe yes you don't want to lose me I feel still that I'll never be no one no one close to what You want.
Even when you loved me trully loved me I made so many mistakes, so many mistakes i can't take back. lost you. hurt you.
Hurt so many other people around me, hurt so many people I really Love that in general I can't think of anything to say I've made somone proud.
I'd do anything for love - meat loaf.
Last night in bed I could not sleep. I know I hurt him, once ago I know that I dissaponted him and that I broke the trust and lost the faith we had the faith of us. But please oh please God... I know it was all my fault, it was my mistake ohhh please oh please God tell me that him fucking up his life now ain't got nothing to do with me. Please. I know i hurt him but he is old enough, strong enough, you know he is stronger than me, cleaver enough to know what he is doing with his life. it hurts me so I can't have no role in what is going on and who knows maybe this really is the paith and maybe what he now seems to lead, his actions maybe it is just in my mind that they are not the best.
Maybe. But please God.
You know. You know How I feel and you know I don't believe in asking you for anything but there is no strenth in me left. I need. I can't finish this sentence. I don't know anything no more. I'm so confused inside.
Why did you make Love so hard? or is it just me. I really am just a complicated person hey?
Today B told me I ain't a bad person.
I feel so bad inside. Maybe I am tired and need to sleep, maybe i'm just stupid, or myabe i'm just to sensitive. I don't know what my problem is...
Know I miss him so much God. Know I miss is love and being something special to him. Miss his touch touch that was true. não era a vontade nao era nd fdx era amor. era verdadeiro. era sentido caralho. fdx eu axo k era sentido. eu axo k era... miss being needed.
Will you raise me up, will you help me down?
Will you get me right out of this godforsaken town?
Will you make it all a little less cold?
I can do that! I can do that!
Will you hold me sacred? will you hold me tight?
Can you colorize my life, I’m so sick of black and white?
Can you make it all a little less old?
I can do that! oh oh, now I can do that!
Will you make me some magic, with your own two hands?
Can you build an emerald city with these grains of sand?
Can you give me something I can take home?
I can do that! oh oh now, I can do that!
Will you cater to every fantasy I got?
Will ya hose me down with holy water, if I get too hot?
Will you take me places I’ve never known?
I can do that! oh oh now, I can do that!
After a while you’ll forget everything
It was a brief interlude and a midsummer night’s fling
And you’ll see that it’s time to move on
I won’t do that! no I won’t do that!
I know the territory, I’ve been around
It’ll all turn to dust and we’ll all fall down
And sooner or later, you’ll be screwing around
I won’t do that! no I won’t do that!
Anything for love, oh I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that, no I won’t do that.
I'll never have him heart and soul but God believe me in all this fucked up emotion I really wish you could look over him.
lately i end up thinking that i'm always down, and when my mother points out or when someone lookes at me with that expression like yeh girl why you always sad... I don't chose to be. and i've been trying quite hard to smile lately at least here at home.
Just there are days that no matter how hard i try, there ain't nothing at all to smile about.
Today so many different things have come to my mind.
Listening to songs that I know hurt me. Babyface - what if.
yeah I don't believe in what if's no more... feel like there is nothing left for me. no hope. at least there is no more lies, no more dreaming about things that ain't going to come try.
Told him today i wanted to keep the kiss on my forhead. "Prefiro ficar com o mimo, Se é k seja um mimo".
Wonder if it made any difference at all to him. Later saw him with the people of the night. So I left straight to come home. More and more feel like I'm no one. No one to him.
I actually spoke to B today about a couple of things that have been going on. Spoke a lot, lots said. He kind of gave me his point of view on how N felt. Man it is so hard to hear anyone tell me the things inside I know are true. "matar as saudades do sentimento, da vontade..." I wish it had really been true, that all the things he told me, I really wish ... it makes no difference, no fucking difference.
Just don't know what to do with myself. - flipside, missing you. Just some weeks ago I told you that and there was no reply. Like I see your life has been rolling perfectly and I'm going nuts.
Tired of dreaming of him. Today when i was studying i read some things that made me think. Existem mecanismos de defesa do ego. Recalcamento - o material contudo tende a vir ao de cima de formas diferentes em sonhos e actos falhados por ex. Makes me wonder. Tired of trying to fight against the feelings I have. I got to fight against the fact I miss you and even though you make me feel so bad, so small, so shitty I want you so much.
what is wrong with me?
This is the most complicated feelings I've ever felt. So many emotions roll within me I can't seem to control them not even to understand them. Is that the one thing that makes love so fucking worthless so fucking stupid, ridicalous?
I got to move on. I got to move on. I want him so damn much...
fucked up inside.
I've been like this for so long
been like this for so damn long i'm so tired.
but N ain't the biggest problem right now in my life.
I feel so wothless so ugly so damn ugly lately. maybe it is everthing together or maybe it is just cause i've never been normal.
asking myself lately if I really am alright?
feel like such a bad person that even my dreames seem to out of focus.
Everyday I found out about another person that wantes to be a psychologist. No one is like me. Sian my cousin she is myabe one of the best people I've ever meet. Pure inside and so damn true, a real nice person. I can see her helping, being a friend being that one person who can make a difference. Today a girl of on of my classes also said she is thinking about psychology and again I look at that girl and wonder...
I've never actually known what I wanted to be. Never saw myself in anything and still today I feel like that stupid small girl that will never grow up. I feel small and far to nothing compared to everyone else. is it normal?
Are my feelings normal?
Studying for the second time to follow a path that everyday I feel I don't deserve. I don't feel like I would ever be a good psychologist. I've never told no one but I probably wish more than anything else that I could never ever grow up. I'm so scared. I'm so afraid of failing.
Feel Like i've always let everyone down and even though I would like to be a grown up beautiful girl so that you N would look at me twice and think that maybe yes you don't want to lose me I feel still that I'll never be no one no one close to what You want.
Even when you loved me trully loved me I made so many mistakes, so many mistakes i can't take back. lost you. hurt you.
Hurt so many other people around me, hurt so many people I really Love that in general I can't think of anything to say I've made somone proud.
I'd do anything for love - meat loaf.
Last night in bed I could not sleep. I know I hurt him, once ago I know that I dissaponted him and that I broke the trust and lost the faith we had the faith of us. But please oh please God... I know it was all my fault, it was my mistake ohhh please oh please God tell me that him fucking up his life now ain't got nothing to do with me. Please. I know i hurt him but he is old enough, strong enough, you know he is stronger than me, cleaver enough to know what he is doing with his life. it hurts me so I can't have no role in what is going on and who knows maybe this really is the paith and maybe what he now seems to lead, his actions maybe it is just in my mind that they are not the best.
Maybe. But please God.
You know. You know How I feel and you know I don't believe in asking you for anything but there is no strenth in me left. I need. I can't finish this sentence. I don't know anything no more. I'm so confused inside.
Why did you make Love so hard? or is it just me. I really am just a complicated person hey?
Today B told me I ain't a bad person.
I feel so bad inside. Maybe I am tired and need to sleep, maybe i'm just stupid, or myabe i'm just to sensitive. I don't know what my problem is...
Know I miss him so much God. Know I miss is love and being something special to him. Miss his touch touch that was true. não era a vontade nao era nd fdx era amor. era verdadeiro. era sentido caralho. fdx eu axo k era sentido. eu axo k era... miss being needed.
Will you raise me up, will you help me down?
Will you get me right out of this godforsaken town?
Will you make it all a little less cold?
I can do that! I can do that!
Will you hold me sacred? will you hold me tight?
Can you colorize my life, I’m so sick of black and white?
Can you make it all a little less old?
I can do that! oh oh, now I can do that!
Will you make me some magic, with your own two hands?
Can you build an emerald city with these grains of sand?
Can you give me something I can take home?
I can do that! oh oh now, I can do that!
Will you cater to every fantasy I got?
Will ya hose me down with holy water, if I get too hot?
Will you take me places I’ve never known?
I can do that! oh oh now, I can do that!
After a while you’ll forget everything
It was a brief interlude and a midsummer night’s fling
And you’ll see that it’s time to move on
I won’t do that! no I won’t do that!
I know the territory, I’ve been around
It’ll all turn to dust and we’ll all fall down
And sooner or later, you’ll be screwing around
I won’t do that! no I won’t do that!
Anything for love, oh I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that, no I won’t do that.
I'll never have him heart and soul but God believe me in all this fucked up emotion I really wish you could look over him.
posted by Leila at 4:19 PM
1 Comments:
i'm finally going to comment your blog. long time no comments on my part, shame on me. i always read your posts, though.
i feel like we haven't talked to each other - really talked - for so long and part of it is mainly my fault but i don't know if i'm one of those who are allowed to say anything to you about your life. you know what i mean.
but i will say some things...
you don't choose to be sad and down. that is probably true. but on the other hand - and let's see if you understand what i'll try to say, i'm sure you will even if you don't agree -, we tend to surround ourselves with what is familiar to us. like the moon's reflection of what's inside. pain has been familiar to you for a long, long time. and although you don't choose to be like that, there is nothing else to hold on to...right? it might seem an opposite thought of what you might conceive but it might not be all that ackward.
like B, i guess i sometimes tried to justify N, letting you see the other side no matter how it hurt. even me not being a friend of his and not knowing him so well, just going with what my gut told me about the events. i can't do it anymore. there is no justification possible. and if there is, he is the only who can give it and clearly doing it is to painful or whatever for him. not worth it. does it mean it hurts him to think about it than it does to you? i refuse to believe in that.
now..the psychology bit.
do not compare yourself with anybody. let go of all those other people who want to follow the same route as you and focus instead in what you think you want. i've changed my mind so many times about what i wanted to do with my life, career-wise. am i sure this one i'm taking is the right one? honestly i don't know but if i don't like this, i won't do anything else. you have to eliminate possibilities and if psychology is one of the few things you could possibly see yourself in, then risk it. i like psychology too and it's definitely an area of great interest for me but i don't know if it would be the best choice. you say your cousin is this perfect woman who would give a great psychologist, with a pure heart. that is all amazing but we can't see professionals, any kind of them, as perfect figures who will hold all the answers to our problems. psychologists are humans and have fears and issues like everyone else. the point is to keep those personal issues to yourself and not letting them get involved with your patient's. besides, anybody who graduates from that course has to do intensive therapy before starting to help others. you see yourself less than the rest but who knows, maybe while taking your degree your horizons will open up and you will be able to help yourself along the way. you will certainly have useful tools ;)
what i am trying to say, baby, is that you really have to try and see if this is what you want. there must be something in you that made you think of that profession, so enumerate those reasons and let them help you follow your path. nevermind the others. we can never be sure if that is really our destined carrer unless we go through it.
i know you really want to give a new direction to your life but i feel you are still very much hung up to what ties you down and does not let you run free. not easy, i believe that. however, no matter how million things me and other people might tell you unless you understand it and take it as yours, you'll remain in the same place. and i know you don't want that. although i might also know you don't want anything different than what you are still hoping for.
anyway, my opinion as always, doesn't mean you have to see any sensible truth in it - you probably won't and just think "yeah sara easy to say, so easy to say" (you'll be nodding at this point of the comment hehe :P) but i can't do anything more than saying. right?
i wrote enough already :$ but i'll keep reading and once you have done your exams we'll plan a day for us or many "us" more ;)
big kiss filhota*
mom loves u
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