my inside out - diary

Do you ever ask Yourself?

2009-12-15T17:18:00.000-08:00

Was it worth it?

The pain you put me through, all in all, was it worth it? Was "it/her" what you were looking for?

I guess we/ I will never know / how things could have been.

2009-06-08T19:15:00.000-07:00

[2003-2009]

[Heartless] ... wishing

2009-06-08T18:55:00.000-07:00

There are so many things I have wished for during my life. Strangely enough I have wished to be more of an adult a few times, being more able to deal with my emotions, more able to deal with difficult situations, knowing what is the best actions to take, listening more to my head than my heart. Strangely enough I wish, again, to be able to have the strength to deal with him and his new her. I have wished before to be adult enough and deal with how things were, being able to be his friend. I have wished before to maintain that connection as he has been such an important person in my life. I have wished to be strong enough to be his friend. Tonight, though I wish to have the courage to keep my head high, even after he hurt me more than I believed it were possible to hurt. Again, I wish these tears to be the last I cry over him. I wish for the hate to go away. I wish I will finally be able to forgive myself. I wish for the hate to go away, and one day be able to remember the happiness I so firmly believed he gave me once. Strongly, I wish to be able to remember how much I have apologized and tried to make up for my mistakes. And also, I wish to have the spirit to overcome how I feel less than worthy as a person.

[Heartless] ... possible to hurt anymore?

2009-06-08T18:33:00.000-07:00

For years you hurt me. I always thought you could not hurt me anymore than you had already.

I was wrong.

You hurt me more than I can actually physically, emotionally and psychologically take.
You have managed to erase what I considered the biggest mistake I have made up to today (hurting you years ago). You have managed a way of making me feel my biggest regret has changed.

I regret believing, what I understood your words to be, when you spoke of us again.

Because you have always told me that I believe what I want to, that I put words in your month, I will of course respect that it must have, once again, been a mistake of mine. I blew out of proportion the whole story. After all, you never said anything for me to actually think you were in love or loved me and wanted me back in your life.

I regret not having had the strength to have told you to "close the door" that night we argued on msn a while ago.

I regret not having been able to move on after all these years. Tonight I regret having loved you so much.

You have been able to cause me more pain than happiness, maybe I did the same to you. I guess, good for you for having had the strength to move on.Tonight I regret things so much as all I feel for you is down to hate. Some time ago you were my symbol of Love, what we had shared was my ideal. Two months ago you made me realize how strongly I still felt for you, how important you still were, how what we once had was my perfection, how I respected you and what you had given me, how I love you.

For years you hurt me. I always thought you could not hurt me anymore than you had already.

I was wrong.

[Heartless] ... Long story, made shorter:

2009-06-08T18:22:00.000-07:00

Boy and Girl meet.
Girl young and silly. Boy sweet, funny, aggressive in that hot naughty dangerous way.
Girl and Boy get along, Girl likes Boy but doesn’t understand that feeling, Boy falls in love with Girl, Boy and Girl start something, Girl doesn’t make it easier, Boy fights for them.

Beautiful right?

Girl learns about love the hard and stupid way, mistake made, big mistake made. Girl really hurts Boy. Girl can’t cope with pain. Girl cheated on Boy as in: she got kissed by another friend on a drunken evening and then worse doesn’t tell him. Live and learn - lesson: Tell the truth no matter what? Boy hurt, can’t cope with pain.

Boy meets another girl. Girl doesn’t back down, doesn’t give him space. Boy confused. Boy gets physically involved again with Girl. Boy then cuts everything again with Girl and carries on whatever the fuck he had with the fucking other previous girl.

Wait, it gets better!

Boy cheats on girl with Girl. Funny? Not really, pathetic of Girl really.

Mess.

Boy doesn’t love Girl. Girl can’t cope. Girl takes the opportunity as it arises and runs away. Far away.

Girl visits country on holidays. Every time round Boy and Girl get physically involved. Two years go by of this? Still Boy doesn’t love Girl. No. His words among other: Not in love with you.

Girl pushed constantly away. Fuckingly stupidly Girl never cuts the “relationship”. Girl torn between trying to move on and not understanding how his words can be different to his actions.

Boy has a fight on the internet with Girl. Girl sad. TWO WEEKS later Boy emails Girl. Boy with another girL. Girl is so fucking hurt. Girl is crushed. Girl can’t cope.
Girl gets sick when thinking about Boy with someone else.

Holiday time, Girl prays not to deal with Boy with girL. Stupidly Boy and Girl still meet. Boy and Girl friends? Boy cheats on girL.

Funny? Again? For fuck sake while I write this I see how pathetic Girl is.

Boy though, still doesn’t want or love Girl. Of course not.

Later Girl meets boY. boY is amazing. boY gives Girl hope. Girl so desperately wants to believe she can be special to someone. Girl isn’t as young anymore but still fucking stupid. boY likes Girl. boY and Girl begin a far away / holiday times special friendship. Girl doesn’t think how she might hurt boY.

Girl tells Boy she learning she likes boY. Boy says things like: you accuse me of moving on and now who is moving on? Added: Have a great life (ironic tone, of course). Followed by: apology for such an intense and horrible email… Girl fucking stupidly carries on attempting to bond with Boy. Maybe it is actually possible for Girl and Boy to be friends. Girl is not really letting go, is she?

People laugh… Girl seriously, after close to three years you still not letting go of someone that keeps telling you they not in love with you, that they don’t love you anymore? How many times must we tell you? Move on, people say.

Girl not on holiday, so far away. Boy one day decides he is not happy. Boy and Girl argue over internet. Boy says he wants to “close the door”. Girl is confused… was the friendship as it was at the time not working? Girl is so fucking stupid, gets upset, gets scared, doesn’t want to move on. Boy apologises for all the hurt. Girl cries, Girl actually believes Boy’s words. Girl believes his words to be real, true, genuine. Boy later on, in summary speaks: about strong feelings, wanting a second chance. Girl is so fucked up inside.

BUT hold on,

Wanting a chance when Girl gets back in the country of course!

Girl hurts boY. Girl holidays shortly. Girl tries to be as honest as she can with boY, boY such a good friend. Hurts Girl to hurt boY.
Girl meets up with Boy. Something still there? Girl believes things Boy says like: I want you in my life, You make me happy… Girl so fucking stupid. Girl believes maybe there is the possibility. Girl doesn’t want to jump into anything. Girl still acts with caution. Girl actually believes Boy. Boy speaks of always having had these feelings and never been able to deal with them not knowing how but wanting Girl. Girl leaves fucked up. Girl thinking… maybe when course is finished and Girl returns, Girl will be able to deal with all these things, feelings, broken wishes and hope for possible new beginnings.

Can this get any better? TWO MONTHS LATER:

Boy emails girl: “should have sent this email a few time ago, been thinking about us, we will always have a connection, HOWEVER, decision is made, I will let you go as I should had done it a long time ago. I think for the first time I realize that you or me won’t move on until we put a true ending to our relationship. I’m sorry for all the hardship that I made go through and the pain I caused. I only can hope that we can still be friends.”

Funny? Anyone feel sorry for Boy? Easy to fucking always apologise.

Girl hurt, Girl fucking upset. Girl so fucking angry for allowing herself to have felt again for Boy, for have thought about them again, for wondering if maybe there was a real honest chance of it working out between them in the near future. Girl replied to Boy with things like: “So I have not even returned yet and you telling me "let’s break" up? Man if there is another fucking girl just tell it to me straight ok. For a month or more you could have sent me an email asking how I am talking anything... being a friend. But did you? NO. Now to tell me that well actually, you know what, I have thought better and really my feelings are not that strong, that you can do. Right. To things like: Fine. I wish you were just fucking honest with me from the start instead of always playing with my feelings.”

So does everyone want to see Boy’s reply?

Boy replies a week later of course, because he is probably now busy fucking the new girL: “Yes I was stupid I made my decision some time ago, and yes I'm with somebody else. I should have told you on the first email. But no I didn't want to play with your feelings, it wasn't my intention. I'm sorry once again for messing up with u. Once again It wasn't my intention.”

Girl doesn’t know how to feel as inevitable girL can only be better than her. Girl has no one else to blame but herself because told you, over and over gain, Boy was only screwing her mind. Boy had only thought he wanted Girl when Girl found boY. Girl defended Boy over and over, Girl said no, Boy isn’t like that.

Boy understood in two months that Girl isn’t what he wants. Boy found another girL after telling Girl when and if she came back he wanted to see what they could have together. How could Girl have fucking believed Boy’s feelings were real? Or… then again, doesn’t Girl understand all the hurt Boy caused Girl can only be Girl’s fault?

How could Girl love Boy so much? Still, after so many years of pain, How? Why did Boy hurt Girl again, so fucking intensively?
It can’t be Boy’s fault he meet girL and fell in love… so it can only be stupid of Girl to be so angry, upset and hurt inside. Boy never promised Girl nothing. Girl has no right to be angry or sad.

-> It was never Boys intention.

Girl is fucked up inside. Girl thinks Boy was a fucking heartless bastard. Girl can’t feel anything but hate towards Boy. Girl can’t breath. Girl doesn’t respect herself. Girl is so fucking stupid, it hurts her inside.

-> Now, Girl is Heartless.

[Heartless] ... Subnicks

2009-06-08T16:30:00.000-07:00

Something on the fucking lines of … “if only I had the words to let you know how much I want you”.

A few weeks ago, when I read his subnick, I though, wow beautiful actually, even to an extent, sweet.

Ha ha let’s all fucking laugh at me, cause I’m the fool…

not words for me. No. What the fuck, how could I even think it could have been for me?

After all it’s been two months. A new love has been found! This time I can not even say I hope it goes well, sorry but why should I even give a fuck?

I will never ever read another word you write. I’m fucking tired of having your words in my head, playing back over and over.

[Heartless] ...

2009-06-08T16:17:00.000-07:00

So much pain in me. I do not know what to do, say or think. Want to cry. Want to write every single thing I feel, until my fingers bleed. Want to get you out me.

The following sequence of posts will be rude, horrible and shallowly low.

Let the process begin…

[Heartless]

2009-06-03T14:35:00.000-07:00

"How could you be so Heartless?"

She sat down,

on the floor,

the heat of the ground burning through her clothes and scratching her skin...

He just stood there.
E_motion_less.
Looking, passed, beyond her.

Heartless, she sat there in front of him with her heart in her hand, open chest.
A hole.

An empty space where "it"
was,
once before.

Her heart in her hand, she sat there paralyzed and throw her heart towards him.
She sat there burning from the outside in, inside out
and throw her ripped, still pumping heart
towards him.

->Here you go!
You fucking crushed my heart so many times, might as well fucking smash it up
once and for all.
You fucking played with it so may times rather take it...

Fucking get through with it, for once and for all.

Classic_Fairy tales

2009-05-26T13:32:00.000-07:00

Taylor Swift
Love Story

“We were both young when I first saw you
I close my eyes
And the flashback starts
I'm standing there
On a balcony in summer air

See the lights
See the party, the ball gowns
I see you make your way through the crowd
And say hello, little did I know

That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you please don't go, and I said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

So I sneak out to the garden to see you
We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew
So close your eyes
Escape this town for a little while

'Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
But you were everything to me
I was begging you please don't go and I said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel
This love is difficult, but it's real
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story baby just say yes
Oh oh

I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you is fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town, and I said

Romeo save me I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring

And said, marry me Juliet
You'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
It's a love story baby just say yes"

Question: Has anyone ever seen a Fairy?

Word for...

2009-05-22T14:39:00.000-07:00

... a Person that has finished University but has still not had the Graduation Ceremony -> [Insert Here]

I should have googled it, but too lazy!

Many tears, lows and Highs. 3 Years. I did it (on my own. Sometimes I wish I had been able to have shared it more with the many I love).

I did it for me. Sense of achievement.

And so... my Conflict carries on...

Edu_Ca_Tion?

2009-05-21T23:30:00.000-07:00

Conflicted.

Today as I sit in my "working" chair I fully comprehend the "true" meaning of the word: Conflicted!

Today, as I will be sitting in a same what uncomfortable chair, in a cold and drafty hall with so many others, I will be sitting my last undergraduate academic exam. Three years of Education culminate today at exactly 2.30pm.

Conflicted: as I sit here and as I will be sitting later on, excited, a big part of me cries. I joy for accomplishing something so large on my own. I cry with fear of what awaits me.

Today I truly understand the meaning of Conflicted emotions. Officially graduation ceremonies are only in September, nevertheless today at precisely 4.30

I will scream out to this world: I made it. I am now a "Graduate".

2009-05-18T16:45:00.000-07:00

Don’t pretend to care, she says crying. Looking towards him but somewhat through him she adds: Please. Don’t pretend to care when you don’t know how. It’s been nearly a month, time goes by somehow. Don’t say I crossed your mind it seems pointless right now. A few minutes of your day, how hard is it to say something, anything at all? Her eyes shining underneath the left-over light of day: I know it is my fault as much as it is my own problem when I still don’t seem to understand. You can’t care as you don’t know how. She looks deeply into his eyes and while he stands in silence she breaks down: I must surely let you go.

Rain... come on... rain

2009-05-06T13:40:00.000-07:00

There is just something liberating about running…
just something daring about running
faster and faster...
running
towards those enormous dark and heavy clouds in the sky.
Faster and faster,
secretly wishing it will just f****** rain all over me.
Pour down and set me free.

"Am I too lost to be saved?"

2009-05-02T16:14:00.000-07:00

Same days seem to be normal, people wake up and live their moments. Continuous events that make our lives what they are. Going about what needs to be done, satisfying essential necessities such as sleep and hunger. As the night unfolds tears develop throughout me. Four minutes to midnight and I cannot explain the sadness. As my skin feels dry passing the sleeve of my pyjama top, I feel a burning sensation. The salt in me, the bitterness of me hurts; a constant struggle with myself that is dampened down at intense moments of constant work. But when time slows down emotions that I don’t seem to understand awaken. I feel alone and I feel scared. I have grown up enough to know that all I need to do is sleep and tomorrow another day shall be. Calling it “masoquism”, sitting here, awakened, hurting. Three years, still I am hollow inside. Everyday that goes by I recall something different I have accomplished while being away. The decision to take this adventure to prove to be something worthy, for a better education for a better future.

What do we ultimately want from life? What makes me happy? Where do I see myself?

Tomorrow is another day. I cannot be down, I cannot afford to sit and cry. Tomorrow another day shall be, meanwhile tonight I feel scared and alone. No understanding just the way I feel.

“Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming”.

Story time...

2009-04-30T13:49:00.000-07:00

I lay there. Beside him.

As she lay there, inside… I trembled. This girl was something special, this girl made me nervous. All I could think about was the softness of her skin, the brightness of her lips. I really wanted to kiss her.

He was staring at me and I was quite confused. He looked uncertain in his actions. All I could do was smile and so I did. I felt his warm hands on my legs and as he moved up… I trembled inside.

(They had chemistry undeniable to anyone, even though, they hardly knew much about one another. Together, on that fresh late afternoon they lay beside each other on the vividly green grass. Sharing small talk all they desired was to embrace. He knew she was different to all the other girls that had pursued him. He wanted her more than she wanted him. She needed him more than he knew. She worried he was just like every other guy that had chased after her.)

-> Hands, warm hands felt the soft and nourished skin of her legs, his little finger occasionally drifting closer to her centre. Small trembles occurring by her as those fingers drifted. The anticipation, the desired fear… unknowing if he was going to move back down or stay closer. Their bodies close together as their chests touched. She could feel his breath on her face; he could see her pleasure in those big sparkling eyes. She had not been touched this way before. He had never wanted someone this much. They hugged, it was a safe place together, and there was no more need for chitchat. His firm hand moved slowly and determined to her arm. Hers stayed firmly across him, holding tight. <-

When his lips touched the skin on my neck I physically felt my eyes roll back. I wanted him more than I had ever wanted anything.

After I kissed her neck and her eyes rolled back, when she took my hand towards her thighs I knew this girl was something else. I needed her more than she could ever know.

Yin/Yang

2009-04-30T13:07:00.000-07:00

Run down.
It seems that with every high comes a low, annoying sayings tell us: the higher we go the harder we fall? Or something like this?
Negative and Positive as my body confuses my brain asking for sleep, chocolate, more and more food, cheese, and a lot of more sleep. Strange mood, strange feeling inside.
Run down.

Not that big a deal...

2009-04-24T10:14:00.000-07:00

Even so...

Dissertation?

Done.

Already thought of things I should have put in and I did not.
Already thought of stuff I could have improved on.
Already disappointed with myself.

Sorry,

I forgot to mention the people that helped me; for this reason I say: Thank you all that supported me, that read through my work (translated it patiently) and just helped me along.

On my own

2009-04-22T04:33:00.000-07:00

I wish it got easier…

Looking outside the window miles above the ground, I see the world before me. Breathless as I steer towards the lights, that slowly became brighter and brighter. I realise how significant it is that I am able to see this site, how much I have developed inside and expanded. But, a tear falls down my check as I am sitting all alone. There is something mystical about sharing and no matter how hard I try to fight inside me, I am grown up and independent, I feel all alone.

I wish it got easier…

Strong words...

2009-04-05T05:02:00.000-07:00

John Mayer

I don't Trust Myself with Loving you

"No I'm not the man I used to be lately
See you met me at an interesting time
And if my past is any sign of your future
You should be warned before I let you inside

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

I will beg my way into your garden
And then I'll break my way out when it rains
Just to get back to the place where I started
So I can want you back all over again
(I don't really understand)

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

Who do you love?
Girl I see through, through your love
Who do you love, me or the thought of me?
Me or the thought of me?

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don't trust myself with loving you
I don't trust myself with loving you
..."

F(r)iction

2009-03-23T11:53:00.000-07:00

Why do all my decisions seem to have been the wrong ones, grandma?
Things can only be wrong or right in retrospect. It is very hard to know which will be the right or the wrong decisions my child.
I will never make a decision ever again, that I am not one hundred percent sure on.
You my dear are a “heart” girl and you will make many more decisions with your heart.
I hate being a heart girl, grandma. My heart hurts.
I know my darling, I can see you.
Why is it so much easier to just have really good friends?
Because, my sweet, let me explain, when you love you give away a lot more. You give yourself. You also receive someone’s “self”.
I am not strong enough to hold my own “self”. I will never be strong enough or deserving enough of another self.
My little angle you know I believe in you, don’t you?
I believe in you too grandma. I want to believe in me.
I know my little, little heart girl.

letting out

2009-03-15T12:52:00.000-07:00

Madonna - Confession on a dance floor.

There is always something new, some words that go straight through burning my soul.

"Life is a paradox
And it doesn't make much sense ...

Time goes by so slowly for those who wait
No time to hesitate ...

I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you ...

Won't you let it be?
Just let it be

Just watch me Burn ...

Put away your past
Love will never last
If you're holding on to a dream that's gone ...

do you believe in love at first sight?
it's an illusion, I don't care

do you believe that we can change the future?

it's all an illusion
there's too much confusion ...

Please don't say you're sorry
I've heard it all before

Please don't say 'forgive me'
I've seen it all before
And I can't take it anymore

Don't explain yourself cause talk is cheap ...

How high are the stakes?
How much fortune can you make?
Should I carry on?
Will it matter when I'm gone? ...

Staring up into the heavens
In this hell that binds your hands
Will you sacrifice your comfort?
Make your way in a foreign land?

Wrestle with your darkness
Angels call your name
Can you hear what they're saying?
Will you ever be the same?

Remember, remember, never forget
All of your life has all been a test
You will find a gate that's open
Even though your spirit's broken ...

I'm going down my own road and I can make it alone
I'll work & I'll fight til I find a place of my own

the only thing you can depend on is your family
lifes gonna drop you down like the limbs on a tree
It sways, and it swings and it bends until it makes you see ..."

"Heavy..."

2009-03-03T12:08:00.000-08:00

"... on my heart"

Storm outside, storm inside me. Rain and wind as I sit on my chair, I listen. It is so loud I can not breathe. Storm inside me. Lost in the nothingness that is rich in doubt. Where to go and what to do, questions about a blank future. Who to be and what to follow, how do people choice their path, how do people make decisions? Do I stay, do I go, to where and for what? I can not deal with me with the questions with the weight. Storm inside me. Miss holidays, time when I can be me, a child. Anyone understand the benefit of being an adult? Storm inside my heavy self.

2009-03-01T05:48:00.000-08:00

London shines... Even brighter in your arms!

Thank you Cuty A. :
(amazing 10 days)

Project

2009-02-19T11:17:00.000-08:00

Tell Me:

- What makes You happy?

- The feeling of the sun on my skin;

“Someone’s smile”

“Gosto das manhas de sabado no verão”

“My boyfriend.. sunny days.. chocolate.. sitting under a duvet with friends..”

“A minha familia estar bem”

- A mug of hot tea, coffee or chocolate on a cold frosty day;

“Eu ser eu”

“O amor que me rodeia e o amor que tenho para dar..a sorte que tenho em ter a quem dar e receber”

“uma mensagem inesperada de um amigo que não falo há algum tempo”

“Self-effort artistic stuff, aka making music, making images…”

“O jacuzzi faz me cocegas também me faz feliz”

“Ter noçao do privilégio que tenho de ter a vida que tenho”

- Theme park rides;

“Sitting outside near the river Ganges”

“Estar na companhia das pessoas que mais gosto”

“Sentir todos os dias que estou viva e acompanhada..”

“wine!”

- Being silly, acting like a child and just simply laughing out loud;

“Friends”

“What makes me happy is being able to take a day (or even only some hours) off to go for a walk peacefully, with our without company”

- Been loved and loving.

Spread the Love

2009-02-14T11:31:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentines day!

(P.S: google the 14th of March and found out about S&BJ day)

Two paths... same or different outcome?

2009-02-11T14:01:00.001-08:00

Interesting, or maybe somewhat not... only interesting to me maybe.

Seems life plays out in mysterious ways. Somehow the "universe" is throwing 2 much at me. Can not seem to rest my mind as thoughts continue to grow inside.

We play a significant part in our life as decisions are made and responsibility is taken. (Appreciate what you have when you have it - little message been sent and re sent into me) However life plays us significantly.

Meant to be? ... I guess my eternal question.

Evolution

2009-02-11T13:54:00.001-08:00

"Spreading our genes" - basic and most fundamental issue as we have evolved and adapted to our world one urge drives us all. Or so this is what is said. (I think it is funny, Freud would laugh evolutionary psychology backs you up... everything is about sex).

Asked the question of whether you want a long enjoyable self- fulfilling life with out leaving progeny, or a maybe short less colorized, maybe honest, leaving progeny rich in genetic backup?

Hum... don't think I have the intention of providing my genes to the universe... what would it really gain, from me?

feelings

2009-02-05T09:55:00.000-08:00

Feelings, the physical manifestation of emotions inside my soul.

I haven't cried out loud for a while now.
Accumulation of a lot inside me always ends in, one day when it all wants to came rushing out.

Allowing... it...
something I have started to learn to accept...

bits and pieces:
- A book about life, about incredible moments that take place without our direct influence.
- A tormented heart with permanent never ending questions.
- The right songs.
- Pieces of conversation about things that are not mine but still can be linked to feelings of mine,

ha ha feelings...

"If this keeps me away much longer
I dont know what i will do

You've got to understand its a hard life
That im going through"

"I keep my head from geting lazy
I just cant wait to get back home"

... Landing in London, 3 doors down.

"don't try to find the answer
when there ain't no question here"

" and I will never leave you
'til we can say, "this world was just a dream
we were sleepin' now we are awake""

... Run to the water, Live.

"When there was nowhere left to hide I found out
That nothings real here but I wont stop now until I find a better part of me"

... Real Life, 3 doors down.

Não Há Acasos...

2009-02-05T09:46:00.000-08:00

cont...

" ... deixamos este mundo apenas quando é tempo de o deixarmos e nunca antes..."
"... que o sofrimento é inevitável e que possui no entanto o seu lugar e a sua razão de ser."

little w.

2009-02-03T11:13:00.000-08:00

"And every once in your life
You'll feel one true moment"

Lyrics from Basshunter - Basscreator.

Fast, energetic, "bumper car" music.

(Sometimes I live in my own little world,
it is a safe place,
I am me!
and there is no one, around,
I need to smile for, be sad with, behave for, justify to, no form of disappointment!

In this world I strip myself down
until
I am Bare.Naked,

and it is never too cold nor to hot.
Sometimes,
I loose myself, ...
...
in this little world,
of mine)

Não Há Acasos...

2009-01-25T09:03:00.000-08:00

"O amor não é uma questão da pessoa "certa" versus pessoa "errada" mas, como parece retirar-se destas histórias de amor, mais uma questão da nossa própria atitude interior e de como essa atitude cria um momento especial nas nossas vidas em que podemos encontrar uma outra pessoa à nossa maneira."

cont.

2009-01-24T07:14:00.000-08:00

Não Há Acasos,
Robert H. Hopcke

A Sincronicidade e as Histórias das Nossas Vidas.

“Quando nos nomeamos únicos autores das nossas vidas o que mais senão o caos inerente aos acasos da vida nos poderia demonstrar a loucura da nossa ilusão de grandeza?”

“Perguntam-me muitas vezes “Como é que se trabalha com a sincronicidade?”, ao que eu frequentemente respondo “Esteja receptivo ao significado do que não queria que acontecesse”.

“Quando decidimos escrever as nossas histórias com base no que sabemos sobre nós próprios, decidindo, como fazem os autores, qual vai ser o princípio, o meio e o fim dos nosso contos, esquecemo-nos de que aquilo que conscientemente sabemos de nós próprios é apenas parte da história.”

...and so I am still reading.

Person.. (re)ality

2009-01-23T11:32:00.000-08:00

"Rationalization is the most common employed mechanism of reality distortion!"

Much can be said about who we are.
I have always found it very interesting, personality!
An enduring state of something that was molded by so many influences, faces and places that make us an entity. More than an astonishing continuum, I ask the question, where on the scale of socially acceptable are you and me?

(Me: a bit histrionic balanced with a twist of narcissistic added to occasionally obsessive, and of course not to forget, the eternal unsatisfied depressed moody girl.)

choices

2009-01-15T10:58:00.000-08:00

I kind of missed the rides on the bus. I do not particularly enjoy the waiting and standing in the cold, having to deal with timetables is not exactly what I appreciate the most. However, when I finally get in the bus and sit down, in my little space, preferably next to the window, then it begins. It is a process that I have come to love. I put my head phones in and the rest of the world seems to cease to exist. I am left alone with my music and my thoughts and I feel in some strange way, free.

It is my time to think, better yet my time to deal, actually. Therapy is a strange thing. I should not be writing as exams are coming and all my attention and time should be devoted to these, but I am so far away. Motivation is lacking and this is a problem. I am not going to though, give in to writing everything I want, or feel like to. It would take a considerable amount of time and I should leave it for after next week. All I want to do in a strange way is write, say, notes, so that I can remember everything I am feeling, thinking, processing.

To develop: my more guilt trips; easier to stay down low than exile in euphoria; afraid of the future.

steps...

2009-01-12T13:27:00.000-08:00

Steps, some are easier and same are harder to take. I remember a long time now, in a distant past, I decided to move away from a problem I created. I was afraid and I ran; I could not deal with the present I had created. Mixed with a strong desire to understand inner parts of myself, I moved away avoiding to deal.

Many steps have been taken since and much has developed inside me. Looking back I don’t understand all the pain all the suffering all the negative emotions that were tied to such a strong love. Something so beautiful became so sad. I have no more anger inside left and all I can seem to wish is that someone can demonstrate the love that you deserved from me, from the start. Seemed you needed a clean conscious, an excuse, a step from me to justify your need to move on. Even though the words you spoke were so important and the few hours we were truly honest were so significant the obvious truth was, we stepping in different directions. I can not start to explain how much you gave me and how thankful for all, all the laughs and the tears. All of it was part of the construction of who I seem to be today. I have said everything I need to say to you I believe everyone literally knows how important, how much you live in me and how I will always be “there” for you. - “Unconditional love … we could never be enemies because you been such a good friend to me”

Steps, some are easier and same are harder to accept. I have taken a big step and I opened my heart. I felt as if I was allowing myself and not allowing myself but a few months and significant weeks gone through, experience, romance and trust were built. I want to be the best I can be and my heart seems to want the same.

To a new learning with A; I just want to share what we have for each other, a day at a time.
And a sweet thank you A, for making me so happy.

My love... was not enough

2009-01-04T11:32:00.000-08:00

Words, nothing but words. Words are easy. Talking is so much easier than showing someone the truth. Saying what you want someone to believe in is so much easier than demonstrating. Words are only words, It is easy to talk, harder to love.

2008/2009

2008-12-31T01:05:00.001-08:00

The last day of 2008,
So many experiences so many thoughts so many emotions, all in a flash, like a distant memory.

Much has changed in subtle ways, growth and strengthening I leave as one of my wishes for this New Year to come.

The eternal unsatisfied?

2008-12-15T14:49:00.000-08:00

Got thinking about how peoples mind works and realised a bit about myself. There is always something bigger and better to achieve and I’m not sure I am ever satisfied with myself. There is nothing wrong with Average, however thinking of myself as a B in everything really makes me sad. Do I ask too much of myself? Might I have the wrong perspectives? Maybe, still the way I feel or the way I think about me, does not change just because someone tells me this or that. I need to work on me, on the reasons why I push myself further on the reasons why I am not happy. There seems to be a common thread when I think about how I feel when I am a B, the disappointment. The letting myself and the people I love down. Too much pressure for perfection? Yes, a bit, but I do not want to disappoint anyone. I can not deal with disappointment. Why is this so much of an issue? I feel the confidence or belief in myself might have changed throughout a bit of my life and maybe certain things have modified how I see myself. I really want to have something that is special. I would just like to say something in me is an A. I do not believe this though, and it is becoming really difficult to accept that at grades and schooling I am not on the highest, as this before at least felt like was something I did have. However I think sometimes I managed to cheat the system, I am not that bright and for a good amount of years I was on the top and got the highest achievements, it was what I had going for myself. The system has somehow caught up with me and I no longer can rise my self esteem by thinking at least I am a good student. Just really average, and then what about the rest? While I have always been below on all other areas. Low self worth? Oh fuck yes, do not really feel I am worthy and seems like the more I try to compensate in the university area the more disappointed I grow in myself. Does any of this make sense? Would I like to have a higher self esteem? Of course, but I know who I am, I know who I have been. Have I developed a problem? I would like to think that I will allow myself to accept this Average. I would like to think that all these other thoughts… that I will allow myself to believe someone can actually truly like me, for me, for however many B’s I am. I just want to believe a bit more in me and my past seems to drag me down. But then again, I should be strong enough to not let it affect me anymore or so much. But. I am Not.

no flow flowing through me

2008-12-12T15:41:00.000-08:00

- What do I really want from life?
- Emotions, hormones, full moon rising in the sky.
- No More Games! What do you really want from me?
- Complete faith in people versus distrust and cautiousness.
- Life without Pain?
- Grown up versus the child in me.
- Too hard on Myself?

2008-12-02T15:33:00.000-08:00

Crapy news as I end a day that seemed to be so enjoyable… crapy is not even a word strong enough to describe how I feel. There are things we can not control, emotions and feelings being one of them. I am not allowed to be angry nor upset and I should try and imagine how “X” feels when delivering such news. Sometimes I am just not enough of a big girl. I guess, nor upset or angry would be the right descriptions for what I feel right now… sad, confused and somewhat unsurprised! Wish things could be simpler… it seems my life has been twisting and turning and I feel I am getting nowhere.

... and I dream

2008-11-22T15:04:00.001-08:00

2008-11-10T14:16:00.000-08:00

I haven’t been here for a while now. Tonight is a sensitive night. Difficult to juggle work with course with money with availability. This last year is taking a tumble over me. Little things seem bigger and sometimes loneliness also creeps inside me. I try hard to fight and I have been managing, I guess, to a reasonable level. I have people here that have been really helpful and I am so grateful for that. I guess sometimes I just feel I am living a divided life. Hurts to be torn.

Full...

2008-10-14T14:16:00.000-07:00

Moon...

Full Emotions.

P.Sttt... I love you Cassie and Darling and miss you both terribly.

Incomplete

2008-10-14T14:10:00.000-07:00

Overload of information, emotion, thoughts and opinions. Several questions as the day went by, a compilation of my baggage and the world’s ashes flying around me.

So question, how come envy is so prevailing? I have managed to understand there are actually two types and there can be a more hostile and less hostile type. However it basically is the horrible feeling of wanting something or somebody’s things or characteristics, something that is not yours; Feeling a whole group of negative emotions. Anyway I wonder to what extend this is associated to our individual self esteem? Why do people suddenly feel so threatened when they are not part of the in group? Why are we individuals so vulnerable as human beings? I am glad I have began to realise when I feel “threatened” and I am able to understand this sensation of feeling inferior… I believe the first step for me is to understand why, at least then I can try and minimise the strange behaviours we tend to have in these situations. I need to add though there is a distinct complication in distinguishing envy from jealousy as they are spoken of interchangeably. So, could I be strong in these two emotions because in part of my lower believe in myself?

I believe this to be interesting, Psychology.

So question, do we ever fully “move” on?
Do we ever actually stop loving someone that we really truly love?
Does there need to be a “stepping stone”?
Isn’t everyone just another “stepping stone” for someone previous?
How honest and true are we to ourselves when we say, we have moved on to someone else?
How much time do we need to feel better about ourselves before we are supposedly able to “give” to someone else again?
Does it depend on what each individual believes about love?
Should we just take the risks?
Does it all depend upon how much we need to be loved or want to be loved?
Can people actually not want to move on at all?
Can romantic unconditional love for someone be healthy?
Is love fair?

Different people, so many different opinions and therefore so many different ways of living their lives. Strikingly such a major gender distinction in dealing with the pain of romantic loss.
So many questions just from listening to one or two stories.

There are definitly already enough unanswered thoughts and feelings inside of me, most certainly enough to drive me mad. Mad, commonly associated to crazy. Crazy, simplistic definition of Paranoid.

I believe this to be interesting, Psychology.

Trying to let go...

2008-10-13T15:09:00.000-07:00

"Are You Happy Now?" - Michelle Branch

Now, don’t just walk away
Pretending everything’s ok.
And you don’t care about me
And I know there’s just no use
When all your lies become your truths and I don’t care...

Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you’re happy now?
Would you tell it to my face or have I been erased,
Are you happy now?

You took all there was to take,
And left me with an empty plate
And you don’t care about it.
And I am giving up this game
I’m leaving you with all the blame cause I don’t care.

Could you look me in the eye?
And tell me that you’re happy now?

Do you really have everything you want?
You can't ever give something you ain't got
You can’t run away from yourself!

Are you happy now?

I wonder... truth is I really do want you to be happy, because although you so fucking screwed and you so fucking screwed me, you really are an amazing person.

Trying to let go... I keep telling myself that it does not have to be my fault that you stopped loving me. I keep trying to believe it does not mean there is something wrong with me. I am trying so hard to believe it was not my fault.

People just naturally move one, don't they?... I guess I am lacking "life experience"... hopefully only for now.

Trying to let go...

2008-10-13T14:48:00.000-07:00

Forbidden song:

"I think I'm in love, damn finally..." - Glad, Jenifer Lopez.

I still recall in perfect detail that afternoon. We argued because I did not know "X" and it was important, so why did I not know? I remember I was busy with what my mom had asked me to do in her room and you went out to cool down. You went to my room and came back...
I had this one sentence written on my computer. One sentence... the most powerful sentence. Maybe it is because you taught me I could love that I find this so hard... maybe.

I just hope you, at some point in time, had also been glad.

Trying to let go...

2008-10-13T14:41:00.000-07:00

"Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made..."

John Mayer - Daughters

Scared I have become a dissapointment.

2008-10-07T12:45:00.000-07:00

I cry out for help. Tonight as I sit here I confess to the white sheet in front of my eyes that I need a place to die down. I inflicted pain once before on me and others, now it carries my soul. Instead of being a stranger knocking on my door once and a while it has become a guest in my heart. Although I understand the rules, even though I explain them over and over to my heart, mind and soul no one seems to take me seriously. I can’t afford to drown like I did before, I can’t afford to move out and allow pain to take over my inside. Voices screaming I should be stronger as I know that is what has always been expected. Recollection of stories about a person I was once before, always happy, strong and proud. Hate to be a disappointment to the ones I love. How did I become this grew inside? Where has the strength gone? Why am I not sure about me and my life anymore? Have I lost my directions, because all I seem to feel is lost? Did I kill the little girl inside that my mother loved so dear?

I cry out as it seems I am not being able to hold my head up, I miss being loved by my mom, by my closest friends and still I’m trying to accept my grandparents will not be on the other side of the door when I get home. I am a mess emotionally and find my mind trapping me. So many things could be said about what is going on inside so much pressure inflicted on me, too much this time. I confess it hurts to think I might not be what everyone expects or not hand out my heart when someone needs it.

I cry out and apologise, this time round, I might not smile as much.

"One - Mary J Blige ft U2"

2008-10-05T09:07:00.000-07:00

Don't know why, I know I had already noticed and loved the passion and intensity in this song but for some reason I heard it today and I heard it... again and again, it hit me...

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You got someone to blame

You say one love, one life (one life)
It's one need in the night
One love (one love), get to share it
Leaves you darling, if you don't care for it

Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without

Well it's too late, tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to carry each other
Carry each other
One...

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus?
To the lepers in your head

Well, did I ask too much, more than a lot?
You gave me nothing, now it's all I got
We're one, but we're not the same
Well we, hurt each other
Then we do it again

You say
Love is a temple
Love is a higher law
Love is a temple
Love is the higher law
You ask me to enter
Well then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters and my
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One...
One love

There is probably a number of reasons why it hit me more now than before... I guess it takes time to fully let go, if this ever does happen, I guess it takes moments and bits and pieces out of us. It has been such an emotional month and a long time ago I would have cried on your shoulder, now I recall things have changed and this is just the way it needs to be...

Life opportunities

2008-10-05T06:25:00.000-07:00

“Ain’t that just the way that life goes down, down, down. Moving way to fast or much to slow.” - My song and mommy’s, usually played when I recall that we need it and we sing along to the words because we both know them so well.
So, as I sit here in my room playing the song over and over again, I realise how empty the house is now. A month of coming and going, highs and lows, huge love and care, small little arguments but also lots of laughter. I bit of everything that makes me remember how complex my existence can be. A month of having the family all together or better in pieces all together as first my brother came, then my parents, then my uncle and aunt while the essential grandparents stayed solid. It was a life time opportunity and I am so grateful. It had been so many years that it felt like a life time since we last saw them. It is amazing how much I love them but how little I actually lived beside them. A strong emotional connection with two somewhat strangers that showed to be enduring no matter what. I really hope to get the chance to see them again and I don’t want to think of any other possibility.

Cassie and Darling I hope life to come carries on allowing the growth of the love between the two of you. It is most definitely what reminds me there is something special in this world. With all my heart I wish only but the best for you two.

Now it is the time for me to get back into my life. So many serious conversations about who I am and where I am going. Trying to find the “right” path for me and make the “right” decisions as I face one of my deepest fears – growing up. As a struggle all I want is to be happy. All I want is to a better person.

Addictions... drugs... highs

2008-09-20T19:09:00.000-07:00

Inside music or music inside me I am real. I exist solely for music’s touch as only when it caresses my being I truly am me. If it were possible I would stop my brain functions and dance for eternity moving only through the power of vibration. No concern for time or hurt. No concern for right or wrong. Pure, simple pleasure running inside me. No concern for thought. Pure, magic flowing smoothly, deep down touching every single part of me. My body can not control it and my emotions run high. I am addicted to the rhythm, as the sound pumping strongly is my favourite drug. When I allow it to take over I feel naked. Revelations of the true me; and I accept this person with no hurt, disappointment or hate. I feel true to me as music fills my soul with passion.

Gratitude

2008-09-15T05:36:00.000-07:00

I thank life for the love I have received:)

Does anyone actually see Me?

2008-09-07T08:08:00.000-07:00

I am actually not strong enough to carry more than my own weight on my shoulders.

measure it?

2008-09-07T08:05:00.000-07:00

Can we quantify anything that is not countable? In psychology there is the attempt to make abstract, touchable and therefore measurable. I understand how slipy this territory can be and so, how we should be careful when attempting to understand anything on an emotional level.

Can we measure pain?
Can we measure how much someone has hurt?

I can’t begin to count the tears because of him, the times I felt breathless, the times my heart felt like it was dying on me. I can’t begin to weigh the amount of pain because of him. Can’t recall in a figure number the amount of sleepless nights. Can’t quantify the times I humiliated myself.
Although, I can count the years I have loved someone that said not to love me back.

In order to measure something you need to know exactly what it is, only then can you attempt to understand it and draw any type of conclusion. Is pain something that can be understood? How can it be defined? Surely we can see its effects on the brain? The receptor of everything, every feeling and every idea.

Is there a difference between the pain of loving and not being loved back compared to the pain of not having found someone new to love?

When I hit my head against the wall, when I smash my fist into solid brick, when I cut my skin, when I drug my body nothing compares to the pain my brain imposes on me when I think we not together. When I recall the words I don’t love you. When I remember you have been able to move on and be in love with someone else.

But hurt can’t be measured because there is no device that can quantify it. Isn't it?

..Karma..

2008-09-04T07:55:00.000-07:00

I tried so hard to erase my mistakes, regain the trust, restore the faith. I believe I was just not enough for you but I am tired of feeling it was all my fault.

trying hard...

2008-09-01T17:12:00.000-07:00

I miss the friendship.

I wish I could say it is easy but I’m not as strong as other people, I’m not as strong as you or then again I still haven’t been able to move on.

I got to keep believing this is the only way I will be able to breathe. The only way I will finally grow. I got to believe that this is the best because I’ve been hurting for so many years that all I am now is Damaged.

It is not easy to see you around and not be part of your life, it is not easy for me to have so much inside and not be able to let you know about me. Things are not fair for everyone and I’ve been the one that has been “screwed” because I am the one that still cries for you.

It is not easy as I live in fear. My past represents mistakes and failure. Always wanted to be more and better, to be really loved and beautiful inside and out; expectations and desires above my capacities. Above reality. Been holding on to a past, fantasized reality. There is no room for hope when all I am now is Damaged.

No one Knows...

2008-08-18T11:40:00.001-07:00

... How tiring and hard it is to smile...

when I'm crying inside.

Constant Fight

2008-08-18T11:37:00.000-07:00

I find it very interesting that feelings can be compared to the process of boiling water. I can understand what takes place inside me at times when I think of this image: the poring of water into the recipient, taking it to heat and then awaiting until it bubbles. I guess one thing that is nice to remember is that the water can cool down.

During the period when the water bubbles all I feel like doing is coming here and letting of stem. If this is not possible at the moment then time goes by and usually things calm down. Another thing I find interesting is how much I seem to learn during these processes of boiling my water. Curious in a horrible way I can add, is if I pay attention, I can even take the risk of saying that boiling water is cyclic.

Cycles; Amazing events really, that sometimes override any other force. The cycle of life, the cycle of emotion, thoughts and behaviour, the cycle of time and “sneakingly” the women’s hormonal cycle.

A cycle of seven days can be extremely painful. The fragility of people is so underestimated. Twenty four hours in the company of the faces of everyday can be so revealing and surprising. My ideas are so mixed up that sentences do not even came out.

- Constant fight with my mother around the concept of happiness as she believes I have lost mine: “You are depressed”. Am I?

How come this week was so hard? Why are these holidays so sad?

- Things have to be connected right? Finally accepting there is nothing to still hold on to and losing THE friend, going on a holiday during the “anti social” stage of my period, being surrounded with people that seem more intelligent and knowledgeable than me, spending a week with two girls that have perfect bodies, realising I might still not know if I have a passion, feeling insecure and being invisible.

- As a child my mother reminds me, I was strong, secure and happy.

Don’t like the me I see. Don’t like the mistakes that cost me half the person I was. Can’t forgive myself. Can’t change my exterior. Can’t change my interior. Hate that I am so demanding, that I am so needy, that I am so jealous that I am so insecure. Hate that I am this overall package.

Constant fight with myself.

Will this fight ever end?

Nothing left...

2008-08-06T11:22:00.001-07:00

But Goodbye.

I am so sorry I was not able to be the girl you wanted and needed me to be. I am so sorry I took time to learn to Love. I am so sorry but I was blind.
"You will always be an important person in my life but I am not in love with you"...
This is the truth and I can't hide away from it no more because you already able to love someone else.

Goddbye my friend.

You killed my inside

2008-08-04T14:51:00.000-07:00

I few days ago I shed a few tears when told an essential element would not be part of the puzzle. When it comes to things of the heart and it involves him, I loose any sort of perspective. My mind constantly fights between conflicting emotions and thoughts. I still can’t believe he will not be coming with us. I recall adoring him around his friends as he always seemed so much happier. I vaguely remember there was a strong group and I was part of it, today feeling less than a spectator of people’s lives. A big part of me thinks it could be for the best as I know deep down inside I don’t have the strength to deal with him. The other part cried and still seems to be dropping cold tears on my chest.

I few days ago I was torn in emotions. I really wish I was as strong as some people believe I am. Sometimes I feel I’m expected to stand up and smile when inside I’m crumbling down into pieces. I wish I could live up to the expectations and at the same time I wish I could be seen for who I feel, I really am. Conflicting thoughts, beliefs and desires; Representation of the mess inside.

Now I sit here in silence as the day before was unexpected. My mouth is closed as secrets lock inside me while my mind tries to balance suicidal energies. Things never seem to be simple and I am complex enough already. I always end up feeling I am being screwed with. Sad, tired and back to nowhere. Always back to nowhere. Always a pone in a game I don’t understand. Always an object torn up, over and over again. I want this pain to end because I’m sick of being an object.

People tend to always believe what they want as the force inside is always stronger than reason or clarity. It is easier to believe what suits us and therefore we live a blinded life. He believes things that makes it easier on him, or at least provides some reasoning in his also screwed up mind. It isn’t easy to hear someone else’s truth. It isn’t easy to hear something you don’t want to believe in. For years I have known the feeling to be gone and for years I hold on. So many mistakes numb me. So many errors took place that I erased what feels like so much of my life. It is so hard to hear I don’t love you. It is so convenient to say I never promised anything.

Sharing with you the trouble of confliction: pronouncing my soul and heart opposed to my anger and rejection and hearing nothing back when I express not being needed in your life… It’s so hard to hear, in your muted sound, the truth I don’t want to accept.

Express what I think has always been my belief; trouble is my mind does not rest. Voices inside call for so much to be said, but I always find myself quiet. It never seems like I have said everything I needed. It is frustrating to be so messed up that you can’t make up your mind on your feelings.

The very few times he has spoken I heard. I listen to him and the words play back endlessly. It hurts.

“My anger outweighs my remorse”.

Ringing now inside me.

I keep growing angrier. I keep growing more confused and contradicting. I keep growing lost. I keep growing sadder. I keep growing to feel disrespected and unimportant. If this ever growing poison is my love I wish this tree to die.

There was a time I believed my love was not strong enough, there was a time I could not forgive myself, this time seems distant as I slowly begin to realise you where the one that stopped loving.

You are the one that doesn’t love me, so why the hell you still screwing with my mind?

Meatloaf!

2008-07-26T18:18:00.000-07:00

With every attentive word and tear I let out. I loved it and I am thankful I got this opportunity.

disapointment

2008-07-20T14:51:00.000-07:00

This is such a strange feeling, intrinsically hard to understand. My uncle says that when someone does not understand what we are saying or asking this is because we are not explaining yourself the best way. It is not their fault, it is ours. Some times I think this is true but others not so.
When it comes to relying on other people we are confronted with many situations. For some times I believe I might be asking too much and that is the reason I get hurt. Then also in the same breath I think I would not do certain things.

Last night I had the plan of going out dancing to let out the rush of emotion that flows inside me. The afternoon was interesting as I went to watch my brother break dance in a competition, this I really enjoyed and my two friends that came with me seemed to also. To the end of this afternoon, one of them said something that just broke me. I guess he did not realise as the words came out his mouth the profound implications they could have on my mind. I should be stronger, more realistic but hearing him comment on "n's" sex life... it was just such a pain. Did not need that. It is obvious and it has nothing to do with me so I don't want to know, hear or think about it. For god sake I have loved him for so many years, could they just give me a brake and realise how painful this is?

I am always expected to be alright and manage everything that it gets to a point it is just too much to swallow.

Five of us were going to the disco, two were coming later. I had already explained to one of the girls coming later that we were counting on her to get back home as in the morning on a Sunday it is very hard to get public transport, I has clear enough of the intention and she seemed to be fine with it. As we were dancing in the middle of the night, the dance music powered with every movement I took was blowing my worries while I was trying my best to let them out. Again expectations... the people around me seemed to have absolutely no respect, pushing and bumping in to me and my other friend. It gets to a point you can't move and that is something I just hate. Maybe my previous state of mind impacted but I was getting angry and even though the music was amazing it felt like things were not perfect. Then I received a message from the other girl saying she was not coming anymore. To start all I thought was... how expected! Then I clicked and remembered... how were we all getting back home now?
The rest of the night flow by as the disco was asked to close by police men standing outside next to a large vehicle. Something must have happened as it is not particularly common for a place like that to die at 4.30 in the morning. Even though it has been 3 hours of good soul refreshment it was still a pain and it spoiled the night. The three of us made our way the best we could. Got home earlier than I wanted, got to bed and slept.

In the light of a new day still feel sad. Still feel disappointed. Wonder why this is? Am I asking too much of my friends?

Maybe I am.
Still so much a need to learn about living.

2008-07-12T11:27:00.000-07:00

“As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I take a look at my life and realize there's not much left
coz I've been blastin and laughin so long, that
even my mama thinks that my mind is gone ”

“Tell me why are we, so blind to see
That the one's we hurt, are you and me
been spending most their lives, living in the gangsta's paradise ”

“they say I gotta learn, but nobody's here to teach me
if they can't undersstand it, how can they reach me
I guess they can't, I guess they won't
I guess they front, that's why I know my life is out of luck, fool ”

“spending most our lives, living in the gangsta's paradise
Tell me why are we, so blind to see
That the one's we hurt, are you and me
Tell me why are we, so blind to see
That the one's we hurt, are you and me ”

--> Coolio.

[fade out]

I believe I should write about what I feel as there seems to be so much pain inside me. Can’t find the strength to talk about it nor the reason for going on about what is “history”. Feels like I have been “wasting” my heart on a non existent love for so long that my heart has shrank to a size non visible by eye. Feelings like regret and sorrow swallowing my soul inside me. Questions of why it needs to be so much harder for me than for him. Questions of why I can’t be like all the guys I know and just move on.
Is there a point in so many years of my life just been erased, just like that?

I just can’t.
I can’t breathe.

good days

2008-07-01T04:16:00.000-07:00

Time has been passing along and I have been smiling, watching it go has been interesting. I have had such an amazing few days that my soul feels so alive. I know things aren't always like this and life is made of ups and downs, little bit of me is still so ansious because there is still much to happen.

Before I made my back to Portugal I finished my term time on a good note with the summer camp. It was so nice to be a young little girl. I got voted the most bubbly because it is so easy to smile to play to laugh and dance when you put your frame of mind into it. I so enjoyed the experience that I can definitly say I am grateful with much strength.
Followed by two days of excelente company with my best friends there. It was so nice to see that no matter where you go there are people that grow close to you, that want to see you well and care for you. I love them all to pieces!

Arrived to a sunny warm amazing country! Enjoyed my first days with a smile on my face. Had a few bits of conversation that remind me there is a lot of growing that will need to take place here, this time. I really want to try my best and be an adult and when I see him and his girlfriend all I aks for is to have the inner power to not break down right there and then. This time I have changed and no more stupid baby atitudes. I have grown and I must show it. I am not going to deny the effect it has on me, the closing of so many hopes, years of wishing. The end of so much loving needs to take place and this is maybe my first step, accepting.

Much still to came and many more laughes I believe are in store!

It is moments like this one, in front on my computer in my clean and tidy, beautiful room. Music playing as loud as I want it. Moments like this make me so happy and grateful.

My wish this summer is that the heartache be minimized with the love and joy my family and friends bring to me.

2008-06-22T04:52:00.001-07:00

Summer camp, here I come:)

Love hurts

2008-06-08T14:37:00.000-07:00

A few days have passed since the bomb was dropped upon my heart leaving it tiredly heavy in despair. Much took place in these days and thoughts around you have been abundant but I have tried my best to keep sane and whenever my mind turns to self punishment I try to drift away from it. The film sex in the city. A book on the psychology of romantic love. A long swimming session. A party at a new house. A sunny day in wonderful company. A drive home in a convertible with wind blowing my hair to the sound of good music. Truly blessed with things that light my way.
Life has beauty even when my heart hurts.

2008-06-03T15:11:00.000-07:00

The third of June 2008.

For six years I love you. Even though I knew there would soon come the day you would tell me you found someone else I never imagined the pain to be this big. The intensivity is something I can’t describe and I feel so stupid for feeling this way. After so much time knowing we weren’t an item, we where not in sync and that you didn’t love me anymore, there was still a string that held me to you. Broken. A few words of yours and I confront the over due fall into total emptiness.

Even though nothing has changed my world seems to have collapsed. So many pieces of me are just tangled in a not, a mess. My mind is in over drive and I wonder how I’m going to be able to work for eight hours tomorrow. So many thoughts so many ideas that I keep trying to block; I should be more rational I show not even feel this bad. I should have been prepared given the whole situation. For goodness sake you haven’t loved me for so much time why was I still holding on so strongly? Not even that is was that strongly because I have been able to make improvements but there was still something there. For me, there was still something there. Just two weekends age we had a fight that made me feel so horrible about myself, just about 10 days ago we argued cause I was not playing around like usual. Playing around something that had been going on and on for so long, something. To me this was something. My something seems to have been very nothing, I wish I could be able to understand this. Understand how some people are so different to others. I loved for so long and love so strong, and even though things were not smooth a long time ago due to my mistakes I tried for so long to remedy them, there is no remedy when things are just not meant to be. I have always been the girl that believed things happen for a reason, life takes it shape and form because we have some purpose and goals to achieve. We build our life everyday by following our emotions, the guidance to the right directions. We encounter places and people because they are our gifts and from this we learn.

I learned a lot. I learned to love. I love. I thought I was not capable of loving but I learned I am. My time to love you has ended. I just need to understand this. I just need to understand where I belong because I still wanted to belong to you.

I tried for such a long time to be your friend as I am extremely afraid of losing you. I tried in all different ways possible to keep some cord attached to you because I was so afraid of losing you. I’ve now lost you and I continue to be so afraid. I never thought you cared that much about if we spoke and I still don’t believe it makes that much difference. I was not your friend, you were mine. I was the one that needed you, wanted you, kept holding on to you and loved you so much. I am the one that needs to get over us, that needs to move one.

Just today I thought of you. You are usually always in my everyday, songs remind me of you. Places and memories flash back. Clothes I bought I wondered what you would think, how I looked I wondered what you would think, what I did I wondered what you would think. To be very honest when everyone accuses me of being holding on, I could understand but thought maybe was not that serious. Today, a few hours until now the amount of things that have passed through my mind demonstrate you are still so alive in me. It’s not fair.

I don’t think I can manage anything of you now. I don’t want to know about you. I am trying so hard not to question how long it has been going on, how she is, what she is like, what you have done together. I am trying so hard because a part of me is glad you have finally been true to yourself. For so long I knew you had more to give, I just always pathetically whished you would again one day want to give it to me.

I am trying to be grown up and trying to stop crying, trying to follow what is expected of me considering we have been broken up for more than 3 years. I am trying not to break down as if it were the first time my heart had been shattered by you. I will allow myself though to feel. To feel sad. To feel worthless. For a long time you haven’t loved me but I had hope there was something even if remotely. Broken. Was long time coming, and now its come.

It hurts so much when someone we love loves someone else.

It Hurts so much loosing you.

Gratitude, Love, Happiness.

2008-05-28T11:12:00.000-07:00

I have completed my second year of university!

The day it ended was such as relief with my final exam, the hardest one and probably the one I really wanted to just get over with. It is all over and done now as I few days have passed and I have begun working. I have to make some money in order to spend some money isn’t it? That is the way the world works.

I don’t know if what is ahead is going to be simple, easy or even as enjoyable as I wish it to be. I had a slight misunderstanding already with him and even though I have tried not to think about it, it lingers in the back of my mind. So hard to know what he wants from me, what is the correct way to talk to him or behave and I know it is going to be so strange this time round when I go back. If endings were simple I guess they would not be such a strange issue for me. Sometimes in my naïve mind I just wish I could make him understand how hard it is for me so that then he could have an idea about the situation. If only guys could also speak there mind, be honest and just verbalise thoughts. I don’t believe girls have yet learned to read minds, unfortunately.

In order to protect myself I have to constantly remind myself that love has gone and it is always me that ends up hurting. I don’t really want this to carry on and after so many years of this cycle I really want something better for myself.

Easier said than done I know.

Anyway this has passed and I would probably guess it has not even crossed his mind a second time.

I have an interesting month ahead me filled with hard tiring work and hopefully close to the end an amazing experience at the summer camp I will be doing. Looking forward to my weekends also!

I don’t believe I have said these out loud or written it enough times really but I so much want to be given the chance to learn more about this world and said that I state my current goals to be:

Achieving happiness everyday, being able to remember how grateful I am for all the people I have in my life and all the opportunities I have been provided with. I love with passion so I want to be loved back with passion.

Happiness, Love, Gratitude.

disapointed in me

2008-05-15T14:16:00.000-07:00

I shouldn’t really be writing today, because the emotions are so strongly negative that by writing them down I can only make them even more concrete.

I feel so disappointed with myself, a bubble of anger and despair. I let myself seriously down and with the two exams that probably were the easiest out of the way, and the feelings that accompany from them… I am scared I still have two more to go. I don’t think its only the exams, or the pressure or the fact I did so badly up to now. Its also the feeling that if this is as hard already where is there room for improvement, when do things get easier? It is hard to accept being average in turns of work and studying, especially when there seems to be not much left in my life. No sense of security and a nest of conflicting emotions.

Last night I had really horrible dreams and was so concerned with you, I really had to find out even though a big part of me thought there is nothing left on your side that is got to do with me. You never really try that hard to question or prompt or figure what’s going on. I should have learned by now.

For all the possible guys out there, let me say something and see if I can explain myself properly. When you ask a girl how she is do not always expect a straightforward answer. Yes it is strange and confusing that sometimes we are not able to explicitly say what is on your mind or how we feel. But even is this seems really complex it is simple. If you care, ask again, ask what’s wrong. Nearly always, girls want to talk, they want to let something out, sometimes it takes a while but unless there is a definite “I don’t want to talk about it” don’t just figure because she changed the subject that there is no need or that she doesn't want to talk about it.

If this is not clear, let me see if I can make it clearer.

How you? He asks after she has already gone to speak to him.

Not to well, but anyway not going to bother you with stupid stuff. She replies.

How come? First attempt, and already sweet to have shown concern.

And how you doing, aren’t you supposed to be going out tonight? Trying to change the subject but still has already hinted that she doesn’t want to be a pain.

I will be going but later on. Now I am here. Right here is where it would be appropriate if there is some form of interest, concern, anything to ask what has happened or what is wrong.

How came plans changed? She asks because she actually wants to know and is interested.

Because bla bla bla… already forgotten what has been said behind and probably relieved there was no long let out.

Oh I see. And hoping maybe more demonstration of it being alright to annoy him.

Pause…

Pause… not really interested or just plain gone to carry on with his own things.

Hum trying to make small talk… she attempts but receives no answer.

Wonder if this demonstrates what I mean, maybe this isn’t typical of others girls and in that case I do apologise and acknowledge, which I actually already do, that I am the one that is screwed up.

Still,

Wonder why I still hope, wonder why I still confuse you with someone who cared.

Wish I had someone to hold me while I cry. Although I’ve been trying my best to hide.

Tempo,

2008-04-29T14:06:00.000-07:00

Eu
Sei que não
Vais esperar para eu
Crescer!

theory ...2... practice

2008-04-24T15:25:00.000-07:00

Began training for my volunteering next year: second day today and an overwhelming feeling of emotions which words lack in power to describe. This is all I can say. This and maybe there is a light for the potential in me.

Amsterdam

2008-04-18T15:59:00.000-07:00

Trip, journey, a new place to discover. I did, I looked around, I tried out a little of the culture, I loved the lights, the liberty, the freedom and honesty. I visited amazing blocks of difference.

There is a world out there. Astonishing full of differences full of opportunity full of challenges.

There is a girl sitting here.

overwhelmed

2008-04-06T13:35:00.000-07:00

Overwhelmed

so damn fucking overwhelmed
feeling so
stuck
empty
alone
overwhelmed

could my head just stop for a day? Could time slow down for a while? Could life be a little more simpler?

So damn overwhelmed that I don't even know where to start in the attempt to cry out for help...
Overwhelmed. Heart hurting, brain tired, Soul dead.

Do we grow stronger?

2008-03-31T14:46:00.000-07:00

Wish my brain was stronger, emotions weaker and heart colder as I find myself trying so damn hard not to drown in loneliness.

Question why I can not be a little more like other people, normal or at least a little more stable. Why I always find it so hard to overcome certain feelings, doubts and disappointments.

Haunted by questions about a past, about a future, about the paths and decisions that have been and are still in need to be made. Don’t really know how to stop worrying about things that others are able to ignore or at least hide their concerns better.

I am trying so hard and sinking so quickly. Been told I am the biggest critic of myself and I feel all I am doing is failing.

I’m so scared and feel so alone.

real-ty

2008-03-30T15:30:00.000-07:00

In the attempt to return to the reality of my days here, I will go to bed tonight close my eyes, think my last thoughts of fantasy and fall asleep. Leaving behind I will all those feelings and sensations that have been built these past few weeks. Dependency on a company that no longer is present, dependency on conversations that brighten up a little the busy-less day; things that need to be restructured. Reality.

letting ... out

2008-03-29T13:25:00.001-07:00

So now I sit here alone in my room, a big room today, a huge empty and dark room. It was so different to have you around and everyday started with a different sensation. I was able to laugh every single day. Every day I was able to have your hand or shoulder and that support is something I have in a sense done without. It is hard to know realise I am going to be alone again. It is like reality has hit me in the ass and things are going to have to return to what they were before. It just makes me think about my decision about what I believe to be important. It just hits so many triggers so many issues, so many insecurities. I wish I could say I am happy always but you coming and going is proof things are never that simple. My strength is constructed by myself during a session of weeks but then every time I get a change to feel how it is again, to enjoy the love of my friends, then I became weak. It demolishes the walls I seem to have to build.

It could be an accumulation of things that has lead to this out burst of emotions. To what extent isn’t it also just worries about uncertainty. Where will I be in three years time and who will be around me? Combining with the reality that a door I have wished to open is still closed? Will I ever be able to get the same opportunity and experience regression, will I be able to actually have a solid statement of experience, personal experience, to back my beliefs? Will there ever be the sense that my destiny is tracking in the right direction?

The hardest thing is to understand there may never be any answer to any question that I pose. The hardest thing might be to understand maybe I was not actually meant to go down certain paths. There might also be no way certain voids I have inside will be filled and maybe I just need to learn that this is exactly what is to be. Certain things have been done and choices have been made for better or worse, no return.

Regression

2008-03-16T09:58:00.000-07:00

Like a moth to a flame burned by the fire
My love is blind, can’t you see the desire?

I heard this and something inside me trembled. I’m not sure how I am going to write this or if this is a good idea to actually write down, just as I type these few words I feel a pain in the depth of my soul.

I have a desire to believe in things I have always thought to be true. I have a strong wish to feel the truth I believe to hold. I have an intense love in things I have never experienced.
This weekend was my first encounter with the possibility of unfolding things such as past lives; Concepts that inside sparkle joy hope and make me whole.

I feel as if something so special has been denied, there where two other people and they had the most amazing and intense experiences. I for some reason or no reason whatsoever was not “able”. A door I have forever, it feels, wanted to have opened, remains looked. And now the sadness, the frustration and the doubt feeds my soul.

Wondering if I am trapped to such an extent, if I am damaged, if I am not worthy, if I am just not in tune and if I will ever be so that I can be granted a glimpse into this world that is so sacred to me.

2008-03-11T11:21:00.000-07:00

Uma historia de amor, porque nestes ultimos tempos é amor que eu quero dar. É amor que eu quero sentir, amar nunca foi algo que eu entendi, na verdade pouco sei sobre este “sentimento”, hum pergunta se se é mesmo um sentimento enquanto se escreve. O som de uma musica mais ou menos lenta envolta de suaves movimentos e batidas descontroladas de um modo controlado. Com este conjunto de ritmo fecho os olhos e sinto um bater de coração no peito de um abraço que me conforta. Segurança eu procuro num olhar confiante e um sorriso maroto. Releio o que se encontra a minha frente, não faz sentido, tal como aquele sentimento de que vagamento me lembro de ter sentido. Há uma semana atrás foi me dito que amor é um truque, um truque da natureza, algo irracional e ilogico que simplesmente dura um tempo para iludir, fazer as pessoas vulneraveis. Um truque da natureza para juntar duas pessoas num espaço onde acham que só elas existem. Uma ilusão de tempo limitado com o proposito de ajudar este mundo a continuar a espandir, para o proposito de mais vidas surgir, mas numa pura ilusão de sagrado e magico quando não passa de meras leis de evolução. Amor, não sei se sou fria se quero ser para me proteger ou se a minha falta de confiança tem razão de ser. Quero rir me das palhaçadas, quero chorar com os contratempos, preciso de saber se aquilo que fui com ele é o que serei com outro amor. Ter muito que dar, ou achar que se tem muito que dar e sentir que não há lugar, espaço ou tempo onde alguém existe “perfeito” para receber, é um pouco triste. Sentimentos fisicos que perpetuam dentro de mim, calor e mais do que outra coisa força no meu interior, a espera de se libertar. Quando me deixo, fecho os olhos e sinto um aperto, partilhamos muito, partilhamos a nossa vida procuramos objectivos e lutamos juntos para sorrir todos os dias. Quando me deixo, fecho os olhos e imagino que é possivel alguém querer me, querer me durante muito tempo para o bem e para o mal. Quando me deixo, fecho os olhos e acredito que amor existe para mim, um amor daqueles como na televisão nos primeiros tempos, cheio de paixão e depois um amor como aquele que me assusta.

Entro na discoteca com uma enorme vontade de dançar, a seguir a fazer amor esta é a minha grande paixão. Posso libertar a energia que não nego existir dentro de mim. Sei que não é o mais correcto admitir que tenho estes impulsos tao fortes dentro de mim mas não sou pessoa de os deixar me controlar a mim, eu sei como me comportar. Liberto tudo com cada movimento e passo que dou ao som seja qual som que estiver a dar. Cruzo o salão de uma ponta a outra tomando posse do chão que piso. O calor vem de dentro e o pequeno bafo que vem das colunas refresca me quando me encosto, subo e desço de costas viradas nelas. Rodopio e fecho os olhos, mexo no cabelo e sinto o meu corpo a encurvar batida sim batida não. Sou livre e posso me libertar. A pica, a vontade, este sentimento estranho que surge como uma onda do mar de bem la do fundo ate ao de cima, rebenta e espuma quando bate na realidade. Tambores e batidas que me fazem estremecer, tenho uma reacção fisica por todo o corpo, alegre por se mexer.

I close my eyes and I feel these strong arms around my body. They hold me slightly thigh as if in control of me, as if in possession of me, as if worried I will run away. We are so close, his breath on my ear slightly leaving me trembling inside. He pulls me to the side moves me from one point to the other; I follow as if in his control, as if he is the owner of my heart and my soul. His hand just slightly bellow the line of my back smoothly moving down making me feel slightly excited. The music loud and strong drowning in us in a world of desire.

cold inside

2008-03-02T09:35:00.000-08:00

Stardust.

One word, one film; So many, many emotions. There was no way I was able to control it, tears came as I tried so hard to contest them.

To be very honest sometimes it is hard to actually lower guard, but it is even harder to feel mislead.
Reality sometimes seems stranger, harder to actually make sense of so maybe that is why I have always been a dreamer. Desires of reaching highs that only in my mind seem to exist with the power and beauty I want. Hopes of a future as bright as the starts that light my soul on a good day, these are still inside. Reality slowly slips and I feel myself drift, fighting against certain details trying to maintain the sense of me I wish I was actually to be.

powerful

2008-02-21T11:40:00.000-08:00

Got off, taking a step onto the solid ground beneath me. As I put my headphones in and watch the bus move away I take a few slow steps walking ahead. Routine walking home; dark surrounding which I am not afraid off, actually never been. Sense of freedom as I reach a corner; I’m struck by the enormous sky above me, dark, demanding respect as the clouds gather. I can only put smile as a sudden rush runs through me, the world is so immense and I am so small and insignificant although today I feel strong and cannot help but smile. Maybe it is the moon, maybe it is my inner me. I spin, MUSIC is flowing through me. Intense. Emotions. I am proud of being me, I am proud of the life I have chosen, I am proud of feeling the way I do, as a sudden breeze of wind blows me. With it I rise. I cannot help but smile as I spin underneath the amazing sky. I am grateful and I say thank you. Thank you God for being the best part of me.

some days come harder...

2008-02-13T14:36:00.000-08:00

bah pequeno desabafo:

It is so fucking frustrating, I have “n” online I mean added as a contact so I can see him, I think maybe it is better, because in a sense I need to deal with the fact that he may be in front of me but I don’t need him, don’t want him, he does not feel the same as I thought and I do not love him the same way because he is not the same person, things changed... I need to learn to deal. but seeing him makes it hard cause he changes his nick, he changes it quite often and I see that and I ask myself how hard can it be to say hello, how are u. ask if everything is alright. I got back to this country and he didn’t even ask me if I was alright. I spoke to him once about a film and he didn’t even seem to care because next time I went and spoke, he didn’t even have a memory of the message I had left him. So or he didn’t read it or he didn’t even care. This second time I spoke, I was on my way to bed when he actually responded so I didn’t speak much and left before he said goodnight. Then the next day went just to try and say hi speak a little bit better but he was going to shower. Told me, I said oki and after that he didn’t even talk again... so the three times something was said it was me.

What fucks me the most is I care for that fucking ass-whole when he couldn’t even fucking see what he had not that I am all that but… I would have given my world for that bastard. It is so sad the amount of hate I feel towards him.

Today I’m reminded of how I am such a horrible person as my mind fills through of thoughts.

I wish he could suffer, hurt as much as he has hurt me, feel the pain he has made me feel so many times, for so long. Love someone so sincerely and not be loved back, care for someone with so much passion and not be respected either. I wish he could hurt as I hurt.

Tonight he feels so died to me. I will allow a shed of one tear because I don’t even think I have been alive for him for already over a year.

I am so fucking annoyed for being such a rubbish person inside.

gutto

2008-02-04T14:50:00.001-08:00

fdx n diz me
caralho
kem te vai amar assim?

14th

2008-02-04T14:47:00.000-08:00

I hate this month.
this month is reminding me off the fucking mistakes I made. The screw up I am at the end of the day.

fantasies

2008-02-03T11:53:00.000-08:00

The feeling of skin, smooth skin, on your hands as you press them on my legs slowly. Moving from my ticklish feet, in long awaited movements, up to my thighs. Squeezing me tight, close to your body, so close I can hear your heart beat. Looking in my eyes rendering me with that feeling that nothing will ever hurt me again.

For a while now I dream of being in someone’s arms. Feeling loved, wanted, desired. I lost the only love I have known, such a long time ago and been left with a hollow sensation. There are days I believe I have nothing to offer and my dreams are filled with preoccupation; Visions of an uncertain future, or nightmares about my mistakes. These days the most common. Then in a glimpse of boredom my mind wonders to these fantasies and my dreams turn into attempts to distort my reality. There is a part of me that wishes I could share the love I feel inside me. I could have a second chance at being someone’s love. Holding hands and taking those steps…

Story by Two

2008-01-31T19:15:00.000-08:00

It was no ordinary love and they certainly were not ordinary people. But their feelings had been turned to the most basic of emotions. Life confused them, used them up until they had no certainty about what was real and what was a figure of their own individual minds. They were similar but so damn different. The way the world was imagined by each one of them, their ideals, goals were so different...

In the beginning those issues did not seem to account for much; what was of one was of both. In difference they came through as alike because their love bonded them. Just like in a fairytale, a story to later tell their children's children.

A fairytale was the way they learned with each other. Many special nights, many sweet days they had spent together and still they looked forward to sharing a lot more. She wanted to evolve in her career, she was an amazing lawyer and she fought like hell for justice. he had a heart like no other and dedicated this passion to everything that touched art.

Through her strength and his kindness they had found a way to conquer the world. at least their own world. She spent her time fighting for others while he dreamt of ways to fight...for anything. She admired his passion for what was beautiful but didn't have much in her to keep on always admiring - that was more his «thing». So she kept on waiting for him to get up and fight, just once, just as she did. For him, for her, for his art to come true.

One of his favourite things was to paint; One day when she was studying as a good professional, concerned with maintaining standards, he saw her. This was a moment like no other. A feeling that he had never actually sensed before took control of him. It was not familiar, he could not understand it very well. He went and collected his things, arranged it and in silence painted her. Painted her beauty,

painted her distance.

It was this characteristic of her that first attracted him because it was something so untouchable, so far-fetched. He knew he couldn't have her. And because he knew this, he longed for her. Fiercely, secretly. He pinned to have his hands holding her face, with the most distant look he had ever seen. But he went on painting her for months without her even realising his presence.

In secret she held on to desires of having a softer side, understanding how the beauty of the sky could be so vivid, as vivid as when he looked up. she didn’t understand how he could stop to feel everything, every detail of the world. her senses were numb.

So it came as no surprise that once they got acquainted, she found in him a reason to feel. Again or for the first time, she didn't really know, it had been so long since her senses had been so alert. But he brought the softest in her and for that she was grateful. Every day she told herself how grateful she was for having met such a man and for allowing herself to open up to the emotions he rose inside her.

He was so grateful for the fact she had opened up, allowed him to try and penetrate, try and show emotions. He was just sad he could not live to her expectations. after years went on, painting were done and he realised ever so more how he would always love her for the unattainable person she was. she fought between the knowledge she could not have a life forever next to that heart and the desire to elude herself.

Their time was due and she knew this. Her work was, once more, forcing her to build walls to prevent her soul to crash to the floor. There was an enormous amount of pressure to be strong and she tried her best. He didn't understand this very well. He knew the world was rough and that someone had to do the dirty work but why did it have to be her, his heart of always? Once and again he tried to bring her into his world, to show her it was okay t dream of better things once in a while, that she wasn't betraying any of her ideals while doing so. But as he went on with these attempts, the taller her walls became. And she knew it wasn't long before they would tear them apart.

Destiny was tracing itself in a separating manner. they knew the friendship, the caring they had shared, the touches they had celebrated. doors were closing while they both saw roads shying in separate ways. One day she got an offer to go to America, she had always dreamt about this. a country she believed had been a dream. one of her very many few. she knew she would have to say goodbye and and kiss away their story. It didn't please her but there were other dreams in line and once a chance is upon us, we better take the whole lot of it. So she did. She left. Him and everything she had known with him. America stood there waving in one end of the line, while he stood on his, watching their end take form and fly to the neverland where they would never return from.

It was hard to see her go but deep down he knew, he deserved more. Also in the same breath she was far too much for him. Their feelings had been turned to the most basic of emotions and they knew they needed to give life another chance: apart.

By Sara and Amie

a story by three

2008-01-31T17:20:00.000-08:00

She was always a little afraid of showing her sensual side, she didn't have enough confidence...

mas era podre de boa !!! com umas montanhas em q se podia galopar ate mais nao e com curvas q pareciam as estradas portuguesas nas montanhas ! ate q um dia...

até que um dia, nessas estradas por onde inumeros gajos passeavam do nascer do sol até ao cair da noite, um deles avariou a meio caminho, preso na gruta suprema do seu desejo.

o k poderia acontecer nessa noite iria modificar a vida dela...

she was taken to a large room, where no light could be seen o_O, and then...

and then he showed her The Light, it was so bright and big and shiny. it was huge, actually. she was overcome by its power and wanted to grab it all so maybe then she could feel as powerful as that...thing. however...

however her faith was little and she was scared. life had not always been easy, holding on to that light could be a big step. she wasn't that sure if it was save enough to trust, trust a stranger with such a beauty, so much power, and she so weak....

and then he whispered: "don't be afraid, to heaven my light leads and with it your soul will be freed".
so she trusted him and....

and was struck by the most awful pain in her groin. the light which she thought would free her inprisioned more and more at each blow. because once you get too close...

this can became to hard for the soul. when pain has been a central part of one's life it isn't easy to understand the difference between certain emotions, the complicated roots they build. she breathed, felt the light burning and in a sudden spark of joy, she laughed... it was...

it was breathtaking..! and then she started singing : "Heaven... I'm in heaven,
And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak.
And I seem to find the happiness I seek,
When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek." ...

she was borderline crazy out of her cuckoo's nest. he stopped and looked at her with amazement, almost terror. okay for light to be joyful and prone to singing but to sing the music from adagio's yoghurts? that seemed too much for him to bear so...

but he smiled and remarked, my gorgeous girl you have been what i have been looking for all my life, someone nuts, someone alive. stay with me and enjoy my light. i will never hurt you if you forever share with me your most beautiful smile. End

By: Amie, Pedro, Sara

Grateful: Dad

2008-01-30T14:33:00.000-08:00

To my dear Dad:

I don’t need to say much about the way I feel about you, it is only but expected that I truly love you. I read some things and they made me consider how upon years, the relationship I build with you will for ever have true impact on the person I am. The father, the figure of the father is as important as the mother; at least this is my honest opinion. You have impacted the whole of me, you have made an impression that will influence all my relationships and the way I view the world. Truth is Dad, you are a building block to the person I will be for the rest of my life. So said all of this, as it is expected and as I am a girl that follows the general rules, it is quite easy to guess, I love you. But, there is more to this. I do love you, I love you a lot, and there are many things I can point that bring a smile to me. Before anything else I would have to mention that fact you try so damn hard to support this family, my family. I will for ever be thankful for the time, the effort, the dedication. Now, small things, the way you have been the one to show me music, sparkled my interest in dance, techno and sounds that have defined my taste in music. The way you can always fix my technical problems and repair anything I need, figure out solutions to any computer related faults. You have always been there for me, but in very strange ways also. And that is the thing, this little idea that leads me to why I need to write this down. It is only but normal that I love you, but I also feel so sorry for you, I also have disliked the way you treated me, I also don’t understand certain attitudes, and sometimes I have even hated.

The world is a complicated place; you have done your best to prepare me for a future, a future that is dark and hard on the soul. And this is a vision you hold or at least I believe you do, because of the way you have always spoken. It is sad, and for this, I am sorry and I feel sad. I wish you could not have the pressure of our futures on your shoulders, for then maybe you could relax. I don’t see myself as a negative person and I am so damn glad, because I don’t want to be like you Dad, I don’t want to be full of negative emotions. I believe the world is complicated and it can be hard, but I believe my world is smaller than you see it. As I am concerned with the people around me, the ones I love and love me back I see future so much brighter. Isn’t it funny how you watch the news everyday, and I have always been against it? Maybe this little characteristic is something I build in defence of your view. Maybe it is exactly a rebel characteristic. I want to believe in a brighter day.

You have pressured me and my brother, and I am currently fighting for what you and Mom also, believe will be a better future. Part of me believes it also, another does not really know if being away is providing this door to that wish you hold. But for knowing I am bigger than sometimes I believe, for knowing I am stronger than sometimes I take credit, for trusting me, that I thank you.

Fathers they are essential, they will mark a girl and then she will live a life in function of that man’s love. That man’s presence and importance in the girl’s life will have profound impact. So many problems can arise when the father figure is absente, doesn’t care or gives up on the daughter. I had a perfect childhood, Dad you provided me with so many things that I can not begin to enumerate. I know I have issues towards you, like have feeling not good enough, or disappointing. Only normal I presume, and I know these things made a difference but all in all I don’t think there is anything major. I can’t say that consciously there will be any problem in my relationship because of our relationship. And for this I thank you.

There are many other things I could actually speak about but the need to drag this letter out is non existing. For the thing I love about you and for the things I don’t I am grateful.

One day I hope you can experience a single moment of happiness, a moment so strong that it can take your breath away. One day I hope you can love mom the way I think she deserves, hold her and appreciate her more than it seems you do in my eyes. One day I hope you can understand how you are such an important part of my life. One day I hope all your worries disappear. One day I hope I will make you the proudest father on this earth.

GRATITUDE!

2008-01-29T13:44:00.000-08:00

The day I was coming back to England, on the plane there was a women next to me. She was reading the magazine “Psychologies” and I saw a couple of headlines that sparkled an interest, thought to myself, self you must buy this when you arrive. But I so much wanted to read a couple of things, that I actually asked if I could pick. The woman said, take it, have it. I answered I couldn’t accept but she insisted and so I did. I have been reading it these past two days. Very interesting things; I need to write a couple of thoughts; I need to let out some ideas. For now I want to say I am grateful for the fact there are people in this world with a caring heart. I am grateful I can talk and I can listen. I am in touch with this amazing complex world.

beginning

2008-01-28T01:37:00.000-08:00

Although it is the end of January it feels only now my new year has began. I am back into England for around 6 full months and my life seems to have changed a lot this month. Travelled more than I usually do in such a short period of time. I special ocassion took me back to my "home" and I had, i can consider, an enjoyable b day. my 21st. so many years i waited for this, somehow i seemed to have imagined and created this sense of identity around this number. unfortunatly for me this imagined life was built around a joined sense of who i was. i loved him so much and wanted to reach this target in his arms. silly ideas of fullfilment. life changes. things happen and sometimes paths taken lead to different constructions of reality. today i sit in a different country, reached the target age and put and end to a non existing relationship just this month. a love that ended long ago for one and rested in my head. like a gost haunting me, you take my breath away. no more. i can't no more as i feel you drift away into a life you have built without me. no words or actions to let me know if there is anything left. no way for me to still hold on because you have clearly been able to say goodbye.
i new way of life with hard working months to come. several objectives to build upon, a new rise in determination. things need to be achieved in order for things to make some sense. i need to understand my life is what i have choosen and that although far from family and friends people's feelings true, true feelings of friendship don't die. Although i can't give all myself to everyone I love i can only ask for the ones that love me back to take what i can give to them, to hold it dear and make the most of it when i am in a giving mood. to those that dont recognise the intensity of my effort, the intensity of the concern, to those all i can say is i am sorry if they feel betraid. i can't do more than i do but i don't want to long for people who cant see me hurt. no more.
to a new life with no holding on to the past. i do not believe there will be no more doubts. i believe i believe in myself.

moving

2008-01-18T03:25:00.000-08:00

As a sit here in front of the laptop, I breathe in this new air, this sense of relief. Exams finished yesterday and it was some of the hardest four continuing days. The pressure of exams is something that is far too hard to describe, especially because I knew I had been bad. I left it all for the last minute and ended up overloading my brain with information, information I can’t even remember very well now. That is the problem when we learn just for the sake of remembering for a test. I feel sorry for my head because these last weeks have been hard, my heart has been forgotten and my soul in some way just accepted the fait, so my mind was felt with processing. I don’t know how things are going to be this week coming. I feel like only now I can break down. Only now I can allow myself to feel the emotions that my mind has been repressing. But at the same time, I can’t afford it. There can not be any tears; there should be no more questions. My past has been cut. Or the idea of it needing to be cut has been “accepted” hum, no, has been admitted. That’s it, I have admitted to myself that I am holding on to nothing, and I am the only one holding on. Then my future, while these questions in a sense although they hurt as much as having to let go someone I love, they seem as no matter what, my fate has been written at least for four more years or so. But today I sit here, and I have a very long day ahead to go to the airport and make my way to Portugal (my home, I question it a little bit…). Sit here knowing I should be so happy, I have dreamt about this occasion for so many years, but now I feel it overloaded with negative emotions; wish I could be as excited as I have always dreamt to be.

2008-01-09T10:56:00.000-08:00

as an overly emotional person is it possible to actually be a psychologist?

New Year 08 cont.

2008-01-07T17:13:00.000-08:00

This is not the way to start the year. I finally closed the little slit of that door I still tried my best to believe was open. I feel like crap because I would so much prefer to be able to deal. I wish I was a normal adult that can stand up tall and see how things are, put emotions to side and just have been able to be a friend. Why is it that I am still holding on to the past when he isn’t? Why is it that I am not able to process and be cool with everything like him? I hate that I was not able to maintain the slight friendship we might have been sharing. I always fuck everything when it comes to him, always did. Then ended a glorious day, with a family dinner with tears poring down everyone’s face. I feel sorry my dad is the way he is, so many times, I guess years of shit have got to him and now life has left him bitter and cold. I so much don’t want to be like that. I so fucking want to be happy. Worse argument in recent times, maybe the one thing I don’t miss about this “home”. My dad ended giving me money to actually catch a cab tomorrow. Yes, I am leaving tomorrow. Leaving back to England. There seems to be nothing inside me. No strength. No more. So much crap so many emotions to try and sort out but this agonising pain. I still love you so much you have no idea how hard it is to close this door. I wish maybe I had never opened it to start with because tonight I’m too weak to believe its best to have loved than never loved at all.

New Year 08

2008-01-07T10:39:00.000-08:00

I'm leaving "home" tomorrow, back to England for me again. Portugal still feels in a sense for like a home because my mom dad and brother happen to live here. This holiday so far has been the hardest as my emotions have been flowing and i've had to hide behind the usual mask of the perfect amie. This sense of being lost and alone with no place to call home. This feeling of not knowing if this was the best choice for me. This insecurity in myself. This lack of being able to imagine myself in the future, happy and fulfilled. I can't brake down. I have never truly been allowed. All these questions and these doubts crossed between my only certainty, that I’ve finally lost him. Maybe it was all an illusion for just such a long while. I should have dealt a long time ago. I should be able to talk to him normally. I should have been a normal person a grown up that deals… fuck it hurts so much because I’m nothing but a pathetic child. So hard to close a door that I’ve tried so damn hard to keep open. Like 6 whole years fighting for something I had already lost. Too many emotions. Too much to process. And even if I pretend to be alright I feel too tired to stand up straight. I know I have a better life than so many other people and still today I am grateful. All I want is to be the best person I can be, but I’ve been torn apart inside.

My New Year vote

2007-12-24T05:09:00.000-08:00

Tonight, my friend, I made a mistake. Don’t believe joining your group for a coffee to have been that invasive but trying to get more of your time, this I know was wrong and selfish. I had managed to spend a few/many hours along your side and although through my eyes you seemed, lets say, not distant but bored; a side of me felt glad we had been together.
You have always known how I feel about you and even down these troubling years your company still lights my heart. But I don’t believe mine to have the same effect, and each day even less as I feel you drift away.
I have decided I need to understand my time has ended, reached that point that probably for you was comprehended a long while ago. I still see in you that man I want to hold and cherish and have for myself. Not able to separate my feelings and say I don’t get jealous I don’t get sad or even disappointed. Maybe forever you will have this impact. I just believe it is time for me to let go. As I write this it hurts because I feel split a huge part of me screaming why the hell… it ain’t necessary. You can handle it, you can be his “friend”. I am afraid… I know you, or at least I think, if I take a step back you take two and then what would I be to you? I don’t think I can be just another contact with whom you politely talk to on the base of how you doing and what the crap. The hell with that; but I know you don’t see me as the person I fucking wished you did for what feels like nearly all my life. My time has been and I failed at that. You hate talking about emotions you hate having the same fucking conversation. And I hate the girlfriend I was, the girl I am to you, all the worst of me comes out. I have been holding on to you N because I am so afraid I will never be loved, like I once believed you did. But I know deep down you don’t love me so all in all it is my problem, my cycle that I need to break. Sometimes, don’t even know if you can believe it, I think to myself that you and I would work because I try so hard to make you happy. But I know it is an illusion I built, maybe like the one were the other side of me believes I can settle with just being you “f”budy. I really try and convince myself and even if more of the time I am strong, still the moments when I am not seen to still persist. Therefore I should rationally be able, to admit I can’t fully deal with this shit. The though of never seeing you, or having you look at me smiling again kills me and sometimes, I so wish so hard, that after I messed up I had had moved on. I’ve grown, I have… I don’t believe the fantasy of us no more. You loving me again has been melted out slowly. Just find it extremely hard to fully say goodbye to admit that might be the only solution. To not be strong enough because I so want to be part of your life.
Oh N I wish it was easy, I wish I wasn’t this girl that ran, that asked you always for far too much, that seems to have been holding you back from who you truly was. Actually think I would give back what you taught me about love. In the chance of now being someone present, a real true friend. Not feeling this sense that when you with me, you doing it as a favour to me.
It makes no difference. Not any more.
Goodbye my friend.

home?

2007-12-21T05:00:00.000-08:00

I feel the need to ask what is wrong with me? Or is it that tehre is something wrong about me?

I don't understand, I really don't and I don't care if I don't actually have a load of guys trying to impress me... I just wonder for how much longer am I going to have to feel so alone?
For how much longer will I have to feel like I can't even recall how it is to be loved?

there can only be something strange about me but once again, in the middle of a huge place with plenty of looking around, both my two friends got hit on at least twice.... wonder if there was an even second look taken in my direction. I don't need stupid guys trying to get some I just can't figure out why there seems to be no interest what so ever.

Maybe I should cut the crap... yeah maybe I should I guess it all begins to build up around the sense of being lost. Is there ever going to be a place where I feel at Home? At ease?
Will there ever be the time that people came after me instead of me feeling like it needs to be after everyone else?

...

Self esteem linked to the wish of being wanted.

2007-12-12T13:49:00.000-08:00

yeahhhhh
perfect day!
i love when this happens!
amazing!
:)

void

2007-11-28T11:23:00.000-08:00

Kiss lost its meaning.

There far away in the distant light she saw the couple hug and kiss, kiss once and then kiss again. A long, firm, gentle, honest but firm kiss, this is what from the distance she perceived. The girl looked, she saw it clearly, but could not recognise.

Staring right ahead, as visible as an enormous ship in the middle of a calm ocean, that couple stood embracing. Her mind drifted and she carried on with her day as if nothing absolutely nothing had touched her that right moment.

A kiss lost its meaning. Just like a limb that due to no use atrophies, just like a subject that is not familiar therefore holds no meaning.

life experience

2007-11-10T16:35:00.000-08:00

Life is just so fucking fascinating!

Was bad today, instead of doing my work, which I really need to do cause yeah it is just like 2000 words due in two days… not even like I am a slow reader either… anyway! Was bad cause I decided to go with Mariko and Lola (my two “motherly” good friends from work) for dinner and a drink. Man. Life! Wau. I wonder if it ever happens to anyone else when you just want to stop time to call someone and share that moment. Just let more of the world into that brilliant moment. Life! Wau. Amazing how people go through so much shit and still can stand so tall, amazing how people have so much in common and how often people say things and I just stop, smile, breath and think, yeah… I definitely understand. Oh if I do!

It is so silly cause in such a few hours it seems I was like overwhelmed with information I just found myself thinking wau so interesting, wau other people also go through this, and man there is so much we can learn when we listen.

Don’t you find people don’t listen anymore? I don’t mean look in the other person’s eyes and move the head up and down. I don’t mean try and find a solution. I don’t mean judge. I don’t mean criticize. I just really mean listen, no need for any solutions, no feed backing back what was just said; no saying what was just said in other words. No bullshit, just really listening!

It is so funny how I find that I can’t actually put down all the things my mind processes. I guess maybe cause I think to much, would not be able to be fast enough and would not know where to start. I also don’t think I have the words.

Anyway

In relation to the mood the thoughts the vibe,

I’d do anything for love – Meat Loaf.

Mommy I heard a couple of meat loaf songs today and so you were on my mind, but I’ll tell you tomorrow.

night out

2007-11-03T13:57:00.001-07:00

One thing I have never noticed and became obvious to me today, when there are fireworks there can also be guys controlling it. And I have to say thank goodness there are people that are mad enough to do so.

2007-11-02T16:30:00.001-07:00

I just posted and then found, previous post was exactly named Hope.

The contrary to exactly how I am feeling tonight. I guess certain days just consume me and maybe that is a reason I consider myself such a hard person to deal with. But that needed people, needed my family, needed support and fucking wanting to feel loved is something I really need, it is; No matter how good my day.